Post-Academy Awards Awards

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Sunday’s Academy Awards show may have been bloated with shadow puppets and the usual useless montages, but it wasn’t nearly as uninspiring as it seemed. There was still plenty to make fun of. In the spirit of derision, here’s a list of awards I’d hand out for the awards show:

Oscars_2007_ellen Best JokeEllen DeGeneres’ logic-based call for tolerance: "If there weren’t blacks, Jews or gays, there would be no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about it."

Worst DateRyan Gosling with his mom and sister. Any sweetness derived from Ryan’s keeping it in the family was obliterated by his proclamation that he likes to (wink, wink) keep it in the family. On the red carpet, he put his arms around both and said he brought them to "do it like Snoop

Oscars_2007_forest Worst SpeechForest Whitaker’s beat out Alan Arkin’s by a hair. Both read theirs off paper because, as actors, they clearly couldn’t bother to speak from their hearts. Reading names of a sheet is one thing; reading sentiments is another. At least Alan had the sense to add a disclaimer to his ("I know you’re not supposed to read, but…")

Best SpeechEnnio Morricone’s. He didn’t even try to speak English and just said what he had to in his native tongue (Italian). This seemed like the most unpretentious move of the night; it was as though he was acknowledging the fact that no one really listens to Oscar speeches anyway.

Oscars_2007_sallykirk_1 Best Red Carpet Train Wreck in a Leading RoleAndre Leon Tally. From his spastic interviews to the behind-the-scenes footage of him dressed as Blacula shoe shopping with Jennifer Hudson to his affected speech rendering "exquisite" a tongue-twister, Andre ruled the red carpet.

Best Red Carpet Train Wreck in a Supporting Role - Sally Kirkland. She shows up every year and deserves a lifetime achievement award at this point. This time she showed up wearing a parachute or something that was supposed to look like it.

Oscars_2007_gore_guggenheim_1 Most Useful Advice – From winning screenwriter of The Departed, William Monahan: "Valium does work." You know, just in case Hollywood forgot.

Best Subversion of an Oscar ConventionAl Gore being cut off by music before he could make his "announcement." And even though it was a gag, you could practically hear liberal Hollywood’s collective stomach drop.

Worst Idea Ever – Interpretive dancing! This one, of course, doesn’t just apply to the Oscars, but also the world at large.