Hogan Knows Best Recap – Season 3, Episode 12 – Animal house

Despite what it looks like, no animals were harmed in the making of this TV show.

Humans, however, are an entirely different matter…

This episode starts off crappy . Literally. Brooke and Linda ride in a huge limo with a few of their dogs and one of them decides to unleash, as it were, right there. It’s pretty courteous, however, that the dog decides to do its thing on some paper that’s on the floor.

Brooke and Linda complain. Blahblahblah, poop smells. That’s life. The ordeal turns into something of a comedy of errors when Linda is squirted by the hose of a man they pass watering his lawn. See, the windows in the limo are open to rid the car of its doggy stench, which gives the prankster an open shot of the Hogans. Being hosed off makes the female Hogans pissed off, if you can imagine.

Brooke has the driver stop the car so she can get out and yell at the man with the hose in his hand. "Do you think that’s nice to do to two ladies in a limo?" Haha, Brooke just called herself a lady. She’s 18! And really, he wasn’t going for nice. After Brooke sashays back toward the limo, a cop car rounds the corner. Linda gleefully reports what happened and the cop seems to respond. This makes the Ladies Hogan ever so happy.

There really never is a cop around when something like this comes up, so you can understand their glee.

The ladies arrive home and tell Terry about what happened. He wants to crush the dude that dared to squirt his ladies, but Brooke assures him that she "took care of him." "I verbally lashed him out," she says. And with such cunning linguistics! Then, we get to the real meat of the episode: dog meat. Well, just dogs, really, but wouldn’t it be exciting if the Hogans decided to start eating their pets? Anyway, said pets are out of sorts, maybe because of the move from Clearwater to Miami. A montage of dog antics ensues. Included are examples of inopportune excrement, finicky eating and furniture destroying.

Then: something terrible. Terry’s yellow frog that is apparently kept in a jug in the kitchen jumps into a bucket of ammonia nearby. He, obviously dies. Terry’s really broken up about this.

OK, so maybe there were animals harmed in the making of this TV show. Linda storms out because she can’t deal. When we next see her, she’s come back from the grocery store. Ah, shopping therapy. She says that someone she met in the store told her about this place called Dog Bar, which is a spa and boutique for dogs. Society just keeps on progressing. Dog Bar, apparently, offers classes in "doggy yoga." Linda, apparently, thinks this is a worthwhile endeavor so she rounds up her family and her 500,000 dogs and takes them for some yoga.

The yoga is instructed by this woman:

She informs the Hogans that doggy yoga will help the dogs release their tension. And seriously, after their 60-hour work weeks, dogs have a lot of tension to release. Margot shows the Hogans some moves to try with their dogs…

This, she says, will help the dogs "release their spine." Uh, don’t they need their spines?

Apparently, acting like a 7-year-old and doing a seated dance with your dog qualifies as "yoga." Little girls have been releasing their dogs’ tension for hundreds of years, they just didn’t know it. Ultimately, Linda concludes that yoga isn’t for her or her dogs. A shocking twist!

Then, Linda gets a massage and, while on the slab, tells her masseuse of her canine calamity.

The masseuse informs her that there’s such thing as massage for dogs. Of course there is. This, says the masseuse, may help relieve the stress the dogs are feeling from the move.

Linda calls and arranges for the dog masseuse to come over.

Bonny leads Linda in some rubbing. Exposed animal penises ensue.

Oh yeah, like we were really going to take a screen shot of that. Pervert!

After Bonny leaves with the viewers’ dignity, Terry has a run-in with one of the Hogans’ birds.

Things just keep getting worse for the Hogans and their dealing with animals . What’s next, chicken pox? Mad cow disease? Chiggers?

Linda decides to nip the pet problem in the bud once and for all by calling…a pet psychic.

This woman dangles a crystal on a string (a "pendulum") over some circular cardboard and, apparently from that, can look into the previous lives of the Hogans’ animals. Seriously. Nothing that she says has anything to do with the dogs’ current behavior, but no one seems to mind. When asked about the dog Molly, the psychic says that Brooke knew her in a previous life, when Brooke was a young boy in Italy. Here’s Nick’s reaction and it should be yours, too:

Nick leaves the room and goes upstairs to get on the intercom to pretend that he’s the spirit of Molly (or maybe another dog, Muscles — it’s hard to tell). The psychic is not amused. Then she makes Linda cry when Linda asks about Foxy, who’s apparently getting up there in years. The psychic makes reference to Foxy’s imminent death. Nice!

Linda says something about Foxy being her "soul mate." Suddenly the psychic doesn’t seem so weird at all.

After the psychic leaves, Linda seems satisfied with what went on. She refers to the psychic as a "psychologist." If she’s a psychologist, then the poop at the beginning of the episode was chocolate. The episode ends with some back-and-forth joking between Terry and Linda. Terry makes a "doggy style" joke and that’s it. A classy end for a classy season of Hogan Knows Best. However will they top it?