It’s down to the King of the ‘Burbs and White Rapper’s ambassador from the South:
Who will reign supreme? The anticipation must be killing you…the show aired days ago!
For the last time (for a while, at least, sniff sniff), this show begins where the last one left off. $ham and John Brown travel back from Detroit to the Bronx . Once in the White House, the two recollect their journey from the first episode till now.
These cats don’t talk enough smack to make reiterating what they say worthwhile. Damn nice people.
$ham and John Brown soon get word that they’re about to be cut. Not like that. (Or like that, pervert.) Like this:
Hair is courtesy of Ralphie the barber, who puts the men at ease with gentle banter as he shapes their domes.
Dude is yawning. You can’t tell he’s excited?
After the boys’ hair is did, Serch comes in, swinging his arms and screaming, "It is not a game!"
Aren’t you going to miss that? He didn’t do it nearly enough. Serch is there to tell the guys that to prepare for the final challenge, they’ll perform at Rucker Park , which is famous for its basketball and hip-hop associations alike. Serch brings in a very special guest to explain the significance of Rucker Park…
It’s the King of the Carbs. Just kidding — Fat Joe is looking decidedly not-so-fat. Will he get to the point where he has to change his name? He tells the guys that Rucker is crucial for cred. "You hot in the Rucker, you hot in the whole city." Good to know. He talks to the guys about where they came up and when he finds out that $hamrock is from Atlanta, Fat Joe notes that the South is really hot right now. Thank you, Fat Joe. We’ve all been deaf and blind for the past five years. Now please explain to us this MySpace phenomenon that has the kids so rapt.
Fat Joe takes his sage wisdom and leaves. It’s time for the guys to hit the court. They’re both nervous.
Um, do think about it because things sort of fall apart, at least for $ham. Soon after stepping on stage (or on court, really) he gets cold cocked with Murphy’s Law when his mic doesn’t work as he tries to perform for the crowd.
And then, once the mic is replaced and he’s spitting for the crowd, his grill falls out of place and almost chokes him.
Grrr! He looks like a nurse shark. Still, John Brown and $ham hold it down with their respective 16’s. The whole performance isn’t nearly as embarrassing as it could have been. Despite or, perhaps, because of that, Serch gives them some constructive feedback back at the White House. He makes fun of $ham’s runaway grill…
He looks like a great white. He also makes fun of John Brown’s visible nervousness. John Brown shakes like he’s Katherine Hepburn on the mic! Finally, Serch gives them beats for which their final challenge will be built around. They are to work on two tracks — a single, 16-bar thing and a fully fleshed out song. He leaves them to their work…
…only to return soon after with a surprise. People! From their past…or, uh, something.
$ham is thrilled to see Black Josh, who’s his best friend and a huge supporter of his career in music. John Brown, on the other hand, isn’t so jazzed. $ham says that when he first saw John Brown’s friend, he looked kind of crazy, "like a fashion designer or model or somethin’." Somethin’, indeed.
That "um…" hangs in the air for the entire duration of Blaise’s visit.
While $ham and Black Josh skip through the house, Bart-and-Milhouse style, things are still and incredibly awkward between John Brown and Blaise. It’s as though there’s something we’re not being told. Something…um…
At one point, Blaise notes, "This place is way surreal. I’m like where am I?" Um…
John Brown says he’s disappointed that they didn’t send someone from his company or crew or whatever it is, Ghetto Revival. Well, it’s an explanation, at least. Um…
Soon Black Josh and Blaise must leave. Blaise, I swear. This gives John Brown and $ham the opportunity to work on their final rhymes. As they prepare for the last challenge, we see interview footage of John Brown calling himself the "greatest white rapper of all time." Not according to some people!
The guys set off for the venue of their final destination.
They didn’t almost call this show Devil Factory for nothing! This time around, Serch will have some help in making his final call:
From left to right, that’s Prince Paul, Clinton Sparks, Dante Ross. They’re all producers. And now you know.
John Brown and $ham go back and forth.
John spits his 16.
Notable couplet: "I’m on some King of the ‘Burbs s****/The kid’s a problem. Hallelujah holla back." Would it be a John Brown rap if he didn’t say that?
Then $ham does his 16.
Notable couplet: "What ‘chu know about focus? / Do you know what growth is?" Just tying everything he’s done on the show together!
Then John Brown does his full song, "Car Wars," a socially conscious track about suburban economics.
John Brown manages to make a fairly coherent statement in the 11th hour. Who saw that coming?
Then $ham does his track, "Fly Away," which is maybe a bit more standard in content than "Car Wars," but undoubtedly charismatic.
After the performances, the judges have a big decision to make. The positive content in John Brown’s track is mentioned, but was "Car Wars" too high in concept for such a venue? $ham’s run-of-the-mill sentiment is attacked, but did he make "Fly Away" his own? And is his grill an asset or a debit? And what the hell does "Hallelujah holla back" mean, once and for all? OK, so that last question is never breached, but really: what the hell does "Hallelujah holla back" mean?
In the end, as we all know, it’s $ham who’s named the winner . Upon hearing the news, he gets to weak in the knees he can hardly speak.
But yay, look at how happy he is!
John Brown, for what it’s worth, takes defeat graciously. He says he’s not sure if the best MC won because they both are so different, but he’s sure that $ham will be a great rapper. Serch asks $hamrock what he’s going to spend his $100,000 prize on, and $ham says that he’ll help out his family and pay back Black Josh for the rent he owes. What a sweetheart.
And so ends the first season of Ego Trip’s The White Rapper Show. To try out for the second season, please leave lyrics to one of your raps in the comments section. Just kidding — that’s not really how you try out. But we know you’ll do it anyway.