12 Pack isn’t gay.
…but his pillow is!
Guess what, everybody? 12 Pack likes to work out!
OK, so that’s not exactly new information or anything, but this might be: he shaves his pits. Not exactly surprising, but interesting all the same. And smooth!
While 12 Pack is making himself pretty, Tango is busy making himself more attractive…to New York. He writes her a letter:
And she reads it…
Note the gorgeous stationary. Nothing says "I love you" like hole-punched loose leaf.
New York gathers all the guys up and during some 12 Package fondling…
…New York tells them to get ready for a big surprise: girls from their past! She parades them out one at a time. There’s Chance’s ex Malay (sp?)…
Tango’s ex, Sunny…
Whiteboy’s sister, Melissa…
Real’s ex, Sienna…
(Doesn’t she look like Aaliyah?)
And 12 Pack’s ex, Jamie.
Hosting some women in the house gives New York the chance to do what New York does best: rag on bitches. New York on Sienna: "Sienna, she seemed to be the cutest one, but this girl, she looks like a virgin [pronounced 'version']. She’s a stick figure. She can’t do anything like I can do it." Jeez, intimidated much? After herding all the girls and Sister Patterson into her car for a day of beauty , New York talks with Sunny about Tango. We find out that Tango is good in bed. Not surprising. Also, Sunny reveals that Tango’s work led to the demise of their relationship. Again, New York’s claws come out. "Sunny told me that Tango was a workaholic and I think, you know what? With you he was. You’re not all that good to look at…" There’s the New York that we all know and gawk at!
Malay talks a bit about Chance’s weed smoking, explaining that since he’s in the music industry, it’s sort of a job hazard. To this, Sister Patterson gets all anti-drug and nonsensical a la Florrie Fisher: "He needs to smoke that blunt that he so desperately needs. So go smoke your crack, wacko." Lady, you think people smoke crack in blunts. What are you smoking?
Jamie reports that her parents think 12 Pack is gay. It takes a village, you know?
…a gay club! Again, Sister Patterson’s fine words do the most justice to the situation: "He is freakin’ gay." And, also: "He is an undercover brother that’s low down on the down low." He needs that penis he so desperately needs, apparently.
The girls do more gossiping while getting their nails done…
Meanwhile, the guys at home talk about their own history. Chance informs the world that he treats his women, "very motherf***ing good, if you know what I mean" and then gestures just in case we don’t know what he means.
Awww, charming. What woman doesn’t want a pet snake?
Later that night, New York holds a dinner for the guys and their former girls. She is extremely animated throughout.
12 Pack admits that he had a girlfriend for a few weeks right before coming out to the show. Romance was right! Then, with what appears to be a mouth stuffed full of lettuce, New York asks 12 Pack about his time spent at Feathers…
12 Pack says that just because he danced for gay men, it doesn’t make him gay. This is true — liking it makes him gay. Kidding, kidding. During dinner, New York also chastises Whiteboy for not being up front about the fact that he was in a five-year relationship. She asks Tango about his workaholic tendencies and he says that his relationship with Sunny taught him to overcome them. And yet the relationship still couldn’t be salvaged. Maybe he did such a good job of getting over those tendencies that he forgot how to put effort into his relationship?
After dinner, everyone goes outside for some more drinking. Sip on this:
Obviously, VH1 wishes all of its talent the best after their time on its shows, but just one question: when’s the last time you heard from Hoopz? And she won! Just sayin’!
Tango mingles a little too closely with Sunny, which infuriates the self-described "jealous-ass woman" that is New York. Thus begins a dance (a tango, even) in which New York pushes Tango away and then acts like everything is fine, while Tango acts like nothing is wrong and then threatens to leave. New York and Tango traverse the entire mansion over the course of this fight . Tango tells New York that she thinks she can talk to anyone however she wants. Well, of course she does, it’s gotten her this far. At one point New York tells Tango that he’s "faker than pleather, faker than faux fur." The girl knows her textiles. New York pulls out all the stops for her grand finale:
It’s the return of the ass! This basically being New York’s signature move tells you everything you need to know about New York’s problem-solving philosophy.
After the blow-up, New York twists her face up like a Boston terrier and thinks about what just went down.
She realizes that only someone with feelings for her could get this upset. Well duh. Tango has feelings for New York; New York has makeup above her eyes that’s an inch deep; Sister Patterson has a fascinating hairline. These things we know.
And then: reconciliation.
New York explains that it was hard watching Tango interact with Sunny. "Watching you watching me wasn’t very comfortable, either," counters Tango. But watching him watching her watching him was pretty damn entertaining, you have to admit.
…just another normal at Feathers! Whiteboy and Chance are drunk, too. Hmmmm.
Speaking of that, Whiteboy gets on 12 Pack’s case for the whole Feathers debacle. "Y’all gay, dawg," says Chance. 12 Pack should respond, "And y’all has no concept of singular and plural," but he doesn’t. His issue seems to be not so much that 12 Pack is gay (which, all along, 12 Pack denies, as usual), but that 12 Pack didn’t tell him about it. And then Chance calls him a "fruit loop," and you understand why Chance is just in front of Ann Coulter in the line of people that anyone would want to come out to. The gay debate ends unresolved.
Sister P swings by because she’s going to tell New York whom she should choose for this week’s date . For some reason, Sister P all along thought that she was going to pick out the date this week. This is like when New York came back during Flavor of Love 2 with the idea in her head that she’d decide the elimination. These people are foaming at the mouth for whatever shred of power they can tear from anyone’s jugular. Anyway, Sister P assigns Real as New York’s date. Here is New York’s response:
New York, instead goes with Chance. Their date is to the Chez Cherie cooking school.
One of the dishes the instructor has him make is asparagus wrapped in prosciutto and cheese.
Chance is well versed in such rolling because of all that crack he smokes.
Then, Chance and New York eat and finger sucking ensues.
And if that isn’t French enough for you, try this. In an interview, New York says that the meal with Chance had her so turned on that she was ready to "pop and blow up and push it all out at the table right there." Yay! Placenta for dessert!
Just kidding, here’s the real dessert:
New York gives Chance some bling for his ears. And here’s the realer dessert:
The champagne makes it classy.
Back at home, it’s time to decide who goes home. But first, New York comes clean with her mom and tells Sister P that she didn’t go out with Real, she went out with Chance. Sister P takes it in stride. Creepy stride: "You look too pretty to spank." Is she hitting on her?
Then, a wild elimination:
Kidding. It’s not wild at all. But New York’s eyes are! 12 Pack ends up getting the boot because he keeps too many secrets and New York isn’t sure that he’s there for her.
His exit interview would seem to back this up, as he admits he was there to be on TV. And then, to make sure his is the best exit interview ever, he adds: "My girlfriend was looking good yesterday. I’m gonna go home and bang the s*** out of her." That’s 12 Pack for you: always going for the butt!