Johnny Soto, a member of the Native American Tohono O’odham Nation, now has the distinction of revealing the most bizarre story about Anna Nicole Smith since her death (even more than O.J. Simpson’s tale of slow-moving sperm!). Johnny claims that in 2001, he and Anna had an affair that resulted in the birth of his child, Marshall Black Deer Soto. Due to, uh, fame obligations and her commitment to squeezing in as much bizarre public behavior as possible, Anna couldn’t be with Johnny and Marshall, so she sent them $10,000 a month in support. Since she’s now, you know, dead, the money has stopped coming and Johnny is stepping forward to claim what his son is entitled to. Oh, keep in mind that he plans on donating whatever he his son receives to his tribe. Right. He says he has the birth certificates to prove her maternity.

While this is weird enough as it is, it’s the details that make the story (KFC mashed potatoes and gravy as sex aids, anyone?). After the jump, we present Johnny Soto’s best quotes.

• On his obviously poetic courtship with Anna: "She smelled like rose petals, her whole body. Every time I got near her, I felt like I was drunk. When she brushed against me, my skin was on fire."
• On Anna Nicole’s racist requests: "Sometimes she’d ask me to do a war dance naked with this feather from one of her dresses stuck in my baseball cap. I tried to tell her that the Tohono O’odham don’t wear feathers, but she didn’t care."
• On Anna Nicole’s continued racism throughout their relationship: "Sometimes she’d answer the phone, ‘How!’ when she knew it was me because of the caller ID."
• On Anna Nicole’s racist gift-giving: "…Then she gave me an old Cher CD. Remember that one from the ’70s, ‘Half-Breed?’ She said it was one of her favorite songs, and could I play it for Marshall. I kept thinking, ‘How dumb is this woman?’"
• On Anna Nicole’s amorous racism, during the heavy pre-Trimspa years : "She kept saying she wanted me to use my ‘bow and arrow’ on her ‘ax wound.’ I told her that was no ax wound, it was the Grand Canyon!"
• On his last contact with Anna Nicole before her death: "Before I heard the news, I got a letter in the mail from her, written in lipstick, with a photo of her shaving Howard K. Stern’s butt. I thought maybe she needed to be institutionalized."

You get the feeling reading this epic of a story that she isn’t the only one. [Phoenix New Times]