We didn’t think a reality show about finding another pair of juggs to add to the Pussycat Dolls’ collection would be worth watching. That’ll teach us to doubt Pussycat Power.
The first episode The Search for the Next Doll not only featured dance rehearsals that were as dramatic as scenes from Showgirls, but a sense of desperation worthy of A Chorus Line, too. But it wasn’t until a series of close-ups revealed vomiting girls (thanks to a flu bug that wiped out half of the potential candidates) that we realized we were glued to the Cannibal Holocaust of elimination-based reality shows.
Synopsis? This is one that goes all the way! After the jump is a small recap of all the craziness that went down on this week’s show:
In this episode, the girls move into their place that’s supposedly on Los Angeles’ Sunset Strip. It seems to be the exact same living space used on Cycle 4 of America’s Next Top Model:
You know how animals like to mark their territory? So do potential Pussycat Dolls. To claim her bed, Melissa R. licks it.
And then: lots of rehearsing and dancing that would suggest that these girls won’t so much progress from week to week, they’ll just aimlessly jiggle to pop songs you were tired of hearing two years ago ("Pon De Replay," anyone?).
Some drama comes up and it’s best recapped by the preternaturally perky Chelsea:
"It’s like she’s always just like, ‘Hi, hi, nanananananana.’" Would you believe that Chelsea is among the most articulate girls in the house? No lie.
Then the girls compete in a burlesque challenge in which the notion of sexy is obliterated by the sheer velocity of their gyrations. During this, flamboyant Mikey informs us that the "Pussycat Dolls are sassy but classy." They expect these girls to absorb that and differentiate between the two? They only have eight weeks.
Some time, it becomes clear that PCD founder and choreographer, Robin Antin looks exactly like the product of a love affair between Linda Hogan and a panther.
During judging, three groups with three girls in them each must perform the songs they’ve been rehearsing. They are mostly indistinguishable, which makes them ideal for pop radio. During judging, Lil’ Kim admonishes one of the girls for focusing on being sexy.
Despite the fact that the sheer force of her hypocrisy is roughly 5,000 times that of gravity, the universe does not fold in on itself.
In the end, it’s Brittany who goes home for being, uh, not indistinguishable enough? Something.
It’s really a shame, considering: