I Love New York Recap – Episode 8 – Love Is in the Synthetic Hair

In this episode, New York climbs into a hot-air balloon and then worries about her weave catching on fire.

Seriously, what else do you need to know?

Well, actually, you do need to know about Tango’s big-ass…

…ass. Ladies and select gentlemen: you’re welcome.

We’ve reached the point in the season in which the guys must attend three-way dates with New York. This way they have only one person (New York) to climb over to get at each others’ throats. Menage a drama! The dates will take place in Palm Springs, and the first will find Real, Tango and New York golfing. Ah yes, a sport with a refined reputation and an emphasis on keeping quiet. Right up New York’s alley.

Before the date, Real and Tango talk a little trash . Real reveals that he thinks that Tango looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle (Donatello, specifically).

Even with cartoon enhancement, he doesn’t. His full butt couldn’t fit in a half shell, you know?

The two show up at the golf course to find New York looking like this:

All right, so maybe she is fit for golf.

Hijinks ensue as New York drives them to their destination:

That looks like a still from Speed Buggy. That makes sense because all these guys want to vroom-a-zoom-zoom and a boom boom.

She totally crashes, btw.

More hilarity by way of incompetence ensues when New York’s given the opportunity to play golf.

Shockingly, balls her not her forte. Then comes some putting and smack talking from Tango and Real. Real decides that the winner of their “game” will get a kiss from New York. He wins, so he gets the kiss.

You know, if there’s one thing golf doesn’t have enough of, it’s Frenching.

New York tells the guys that they’ll all be going out to dinner tonight, so they go to their hotel and get themselves “g’d up.” Does that mean that New York will be getting hoed down? Does Snoop Dogg blow bleezies?

Then, they dine.

And by “dine,” we mean, “make faces at each other.”

New York looks like…something here. A sloth? A giraffe lazily grazing? Bea Arthur? Something.

Mmmm. Golf balls…

New York talks to the men about their standing in the competition and their general feelings on love. Real says he’s looking for a lifetime companion. New York asks Tango what he sees when he looks at her and he says he doesn’t see “all this” in reference to her decidedly ornate hair and makeup. New York begs to differ as she’s watched Tango watch her chest. Ha! New York and Tango watch each other watch a lot, don’t they?

There’s a lot of petty back and forth. Basically, Real says all the things New York wants to hear, and Tango whispers them. Case and point: he tells her that he loves her in her ear. New York wonders why he isn’t saying it out loud, and calls him on it. He continues muttering. Tango is failing this challenge.

And so, New York chooses Real to accompany her back to her room.

It’s hard to tell whether she’s feeding him or attempting to dislodge something from this throat in that shot. Either way: sexy, sexy, sexy. And so is this:

Not tragically? New York gets real with Real and talks about her past pain. Flav is mentioned, of course.

Awww. She looks larger-than-life when she cries. Jeez, all you wanna do is suck a little whipped cream off a lady’s finger and she’s gotta get all weepy on you. Women! Real is sent home before anything heavy between him and New York can go down.

The next day is reserved for Chance and Whiteboy’s date with New York. Some of this date will take place on a hot-air balloon. “Love is in the air, and I’m ready to take it to new heights!” New York explains. Ah, who could resist the charms of such a grand visual metaphor? Love really is in the air.

This has both of the guys nervous.

That’s OK, baby. The balloon will be gentle. New York seems valiant compared to her would-be tough-guy dates until she gets on the balloon and realizes that she’ll be standing under a flame. “Is my s*** gonna set on fire? I’ma ask you ’cause this s*** is synthetic.” This is what you call the fight-flight-or-reveal-the-true-makeup-of-your-hair response. Once they get up in the air, it’s all good. Even Chance comes around, saying that this ride (or the landscape or, uh, something) is one of the “most beautifulest” things he’s ever seen.

I Love New York resembles a Muppet movie with each passing episode, doesn’t it? The only thing that would make this more perfect would be Chamo serenading us with “The Rainbow Connection.”

Since they didn’t die or anything while up in the air, the three celebrate.

Then, it’s time for their three-way date with New York. The guys arrive at a hotel, where they receive word that they’ll be dining out in style.

Remember this fraternizing because it’s the last you’ll see of it. When they arrive to dinner, Whiteboy gnashes at New York as he tends to do. Before Chance gives New York his kiss, he wipes her clean.

It’ll take a lot more than that to get rid of whatever Whiteboy could have given her. Like maybe some Lysol. Or fire.

Whiteboy and Chance decide to dance with New York…

The switching off leads to a literal tug-o-war, which, again, will get your blood flowing if you love a visual metaphor.

When they settle down, Chance becomes increasingly belligerent. He starts out telling Whiteboy, “Don’t worry about me and Ne-Weezy. You know what I’m sayin’? We gonna do what we got ta deezy.” Riiight. Chance is otherwise the picture of class, or is that cleezy?

Becomes increasingly belligerent, and threatens to beat Whiteboy up. New York tells him to “Shut the f*** up,” and he tells her to “Shut the f*** up,” and then takes her cigarettes. Taking New York’s cigarettes is like taking away a normal person’s oxygen. New York’s capacity to be impressed by Chance’s gangsta tendencies is waning. Even though it comes out that Whiteboy’s last relationship, the five-year one, ended but two months ago, he’s still the one she invites back to her place. Chance is just a little too much for her right now.

Whiteboy and New York go back to her room and start sucking at each other. Seriously. They share a French kiss with what can be presumed as French cream.

“I am so horny!” says New York in an interview. What a rare occurrence! New York being horny only happens, like, every 75 years. New York’s libido can otherwise be characterized as Horny’s Comet.

Anyway, at some point, New York spills champagne on her leg and Whiteboy licks it up.

What would have happened if she spilled it on her lap? We’ll never know, as she sends Whiteboy away soon because she’s so distracted by the steam they’re generating. She says she has “a lot to sleep on.” But you know, most of it’s synthetic, so it’s not really clear why that matters.

Everyone returns to the mansion and Sister P comes over for her weekly advisement. New York tells her mother about what went down, and Sister P says she finds Chance’s cig-snatching and cursing “abusive.” She confronts Chance.

Because, you know, he’ll surely change his behavior if Sister Patterson wants him to.

Then, elimination. New York is verklempt.

She says that this week, she’s flipping things around and instead of giving out chains one by one, she’s going to request that the one guy who isn’t really there for her step forward. The guys prod each other and eventually Chance feels like he should be the one stepping forward. He does and then New York tells him that she isn’t talking about him. But, uh, wasn’t his choice to step forward telling? Whatever. New York is actually talking about Whiteboy. He’s just too fresh out of his relationship to give her what she needs.

New York can’t have Whiteboy around because she’s not a rebound kind of girl. What is she, then? A three-pointer? A lay-up?