Some advice from Chance:
Seriously, dude. Practice what you preach.
A new episode means a new morning note from Tango to New York. This one reads, "I pray to God that you continue to play the right hand." She probably will — look at how wrapped around his finger she is:
We haven’t seen this kind of rejoicing since Sister P got freaky with the mic at church.
New York takes her butt to Tango’s room and plops it down on him.
He tells her to put her leg down, that she’s going to get in trouble. Whatever, she hasn’t so far. In fact, a nice crotch shot is exactly what this show’s been missing (unless you count Chance’s flopping fun).
In an interview on this subject, New York can be seen drinking Red Bull (Sugar-free, no less):
So that’s why she’s so excitable! And here, you thought it was genetic…
Oh, and then this happens:
But does he love-love her?
Then, the guys get a message detailing what’s in store for them: their mothers are coming to visit. Real and Chance’s will be first:
In a voice over, Real says that his mom, Claudia, can get along with anyone, even a demon. As he says this, there’s a shot of Claudia and Sister P embracing:
Once again, editors, fabulous job.
The boys, New York and the moms will all take a trip to the horse ranch owned by Real and Chance’s family. Sister P has dressed for the occasion:
It would have been better if she wore a muumuu.
On the way to the ranch, Sister P and Claudia discuss Real and Chance. Sister P is obviously anti-Chance, whom New York is obviously feeling. The conflict forces New York to twist her face up like the Predator:
Sister P rags on Chance, which is sort of dangerous territory, considering that she’s talking to his mother. Claudia says Chance is full of life.
…which entered his system via those blunts he needs to smoke that he so desperately needs. Also, Sister P most likely doesn’t believe this, but couldn’t she have picked a better substance to explain Chance’s behavior. If it’s really steroids, they’re going straight to his brain and forcing it to push on his skull because homeboy is as meaty as a chicken bone after a pass through New York’s lips.
Anyway, they arrive at the ranch, and if you haven’t yet gotten a flashback to New York’s previous horse encounter, um, well, here you go:
That isn’t a yawn or hay-eating imitation; it’s fear, baby.
Chance riles up the horses, which would seem to only raise New York’s anxiety. It doesn’t, though. She rewards him with some butt bumping:
After watching Chance deal with his Arabian horses, New York recalls in an interview: "Seeing Chance stroke those horses made me want to stroke something else." And just in case by "something else," you thought she meant she wanted to stroke, "her hair with a brush," "a pair of oars" or "a shape outline in Photoshop," New York provides a visual:
Again, if you refer to that bouncy Chance gif, you’ll see that New York’s suggestion of Chance’s, ahem, circumference might not be at all exaggerated.
The five of them eat. New York ignores Real throughout and focuses on being weirdly sexual with Chance. She giggles and kisses him in a frenzy. She’s like Taz in heat.
Who could have guessed that finger sucking would become the motif that it as on this show? Oh, everyone probably.
Some conflict arises when Chance sort of manhandles New York and tells her to come close to him. Sister P says she thinks Chance is an "undercover abuser type." Sister P is an undercover genius type.
Chance and New York both leave the table and we see Chance spending quiet time with his horse, as sort of a counterpoint to the chaos he wreaked so far.
As he and his horse friend nuzzle, we hear the same Brokeback Mountain-inspired, country-esque score that accompanied 12 Pack and Real’s late-night dalliance. What exactly are they trying to say about the nature of Chance’s relationship with his horse?
After that, New York finally spends some time with Real, even if at the prospect of doing so she’s all…
"I don’t wanna! I want my bottle!"
New York screams at Real because, for some reason, she gets in his head that he’s pulling out of the competition, when really, it’s more like he’s being pushed out. After screaming at him, it only follows that she’d want to make out.
New York and her fiery emotions. Who knows what adventures they’ll bring next?
And speaking of emotions, it’s time for Real and Chance to leave their mom. She tearfully tells them not to let this competition come between them. This, in turn makes Chance cry .
So he’s a softie underneath his tough exterior. Unlikely! What’s next? Finding out that underneath New York’s false eyelashes are real ones?
Anyway, New York sums up the whole crying thing quite amusingly: "Soliders cry. And dogs cry. And doves cry. And I cry. We cry, we all f***in’ cry!" Brilliant. That’s Chance, really in that order. Chance is a solider. Chance is a dog. Chance is a dove.
The next day brings New York’s meeting with Tango’s mom. As a primer, New York informs us: "Tango is definitely a lot more mature than Chance and Real. You know, turtles do live a lot longer than humans!" So now even she thinks he’s a turtle? Maybe it was only a matter of time before things became bestial.
Tango’s mom arrives.
And immediately it’s clear that she’s way too sweet to ever make it in this madhouse. New York, Sister P, Tango and his mom, Paula, will receive a tango lesson. Some fun and a pun. What could be better? Upon arriving, the instructor says, "Every movement that you do, I want you to think drama, drama, drama." In other words, New York was made to tango.
New York soon becomes jealous of the attention Tango’s giving his mother. "He actin’ like a little bitch," she says. But that’s not the problem, exactly. The problem is that he isn’t acting like her little bitch.
While Tango and Paula continue their dance, New York and Sister P talk smack.
Sister P notes how old Paula is. New York couldn’t agree more. "Do you really feel like helping her in and out of the car? You know, rolling her into the handicap bathroom?" Seriously, who has time for that when there’s a mirror in that bathroom to smoke in front of? It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta look fabulous doing it.
New York also notes that Tango’s time spent with his mother is foolish because, "He has to see that now, I’m his momma." Tango, get the broaches ready — you’ve got some eye-gouging to do.
The four of them eat. One of these things is not like the others and she makes it totally clear:
Yep, pretty interesting, right, Paula? It’s kept our attention so far, at least. New York curses and says that Paula bored her so she acted up to spoil lunch. Sister P half-heatedly (and nonsensically) reprimands her daughter: "You’re actin’ sporadic and erratic," says the P-ster. New York’s acting sporadic? Does she have, like, narcolepsy?
So that date didn’t go so well. In the end, Paula proves her sanity once again (not that she has to):
"My advice to Patrick [Tango] about New York and her mother…if he’s prepared to deal with her, fine. If he’s not, I want him to run as fast as he can to the border." You know when he got there, New York would be waiting for him, all like, "Yo quiero Tango Bell!"
But whatever, you get Paula’s point. She’s too good for this world.
And then: scandal. Sister P takes Chance aside and offers him $5,000 to leave the competition, should he receive a chain at that night’s elimination.
After Chance hesitates, Sister P ups the sum to $10,000. She seals the potential deal with a kiss.
Careful, Chance! She’s trying to suck out your soul. Of the kiss, Chance says, "The kiss from Sister Patterson tasted like old-lady perfume." Ha! But you know, that’s probably better than just tasting like old lady, you know?
After some deliberation…
…it’s time for elimination.
Chance is the first to get his chain, which is, of course complicated because of Sister P’s deal. He immediately takes it off:
New York is confused. He tells Sister P to pony up the cash then and there. New York is confused. Sister P asks, "Do you trust me?"
Now everyone’s confused. How could you trust anyone with nails like that?
New York pulls Chance outside because something’s going on that she’s not been let in on and that’s no way to treat an H.B.I.C.
Chance explains the potential deal, which just gets New York more angry. But not angry enough to kick him out on principle, because he’s invited back in.
He’s given his chain again. Apparently, his plan was to remove his chain, get the money and then put his chain back on and stay. Right. And if that worked out, Sister P would have just dropped the whole thing and let him have the money since he outsmarted her and she’s not the type to harp on things, anyway.
And so, despite his deception toward all sides, Chance remains in the competition. Ta da!
In the end, it’s Real who ends up getting the boot.
And probably somewhere, an Arabian horse cries, too.
So it’s down to Chance and Tango. New York announces that for their final chunk of time together, they’ll travel to Mexico. This is exciting, but even more exciting is the fact that during their toast, New York spills some champagne on herself. Tango helps her clean it up.
New York sucks so the show doesn’t have to.