Pussycat TV: The Blow by Blow Breakdown

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Just in case you had any doubt that Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll is the gnarled, conjoined twin of America’s Next Top Model, this week the girls get made over.

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Yay! Makeovers!!!

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It’s time to get pretty, y’all.

The episode starts with Sisely getting all salty about the criticism that judge Ron Fair gave her after last week’s performance…

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Her thought process is as muddled as her syntax: Ron said that Rihanna’s “Pon De Replay” wasn’t the song for her, which is actually exactly what she said when she was assigned it. Apparently Sisely is the only one who’s allowed to criticize Sisely. She’s like her own mother, in that respect.

This week, the girls will nurture their personas, as that’s key for any Pussycat Doll. Oh yeah, totally. In fact to prove this, name any Pussycat besides Nicole Scherzinger. Oh wait, don’t do that: you may cause the brittle universe of this reality show to implode.

For this week’s challenge, the girls will be divided into two teams and perform songs with a harder sort of edge:

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That’s Pat Benatar’s, not Mariah Carey’s. The girls rock out at the intensity of, hmmm, say the Misfits. Not the Misfits as in Danzig; the misfits as in the nemeses of Jem and the Holograms. A fine, but notable distinction.

As they rehearse, things get tough for Sisely, who was pegged to nail this challenge since she comes from a land called rawk. She kinda sucks at “Heartbreaker,” but in her defense…

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This has been two weeks of, like, literally, like, three to four hours of sleep, and it’s, like, not f***ing easy. OK, you guys?” Fair enough. Pussycats do like their sleep.

And then makeovers. Nothing notable happens except for the apple-cheeked (both sets!) Chelsea gets bangs, which is apparently somewhat scandalous where she hails from.

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I can’t believe I have bangs! My family’s gonna freak!” How bizarrely conservative is her family that they’d freak about bangs, but not the fact that their relative is in the running to make her money by shaking her ass and spewing innuendo?

Oh, and Mariela gets her hair “straightened”…

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…although, from the looks of it, it’s merely been blown out (by Jonathan Antin, no less). It looks like the humidity produced by a sneeze could make it curl up to its natural frizzy state:

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And then, we’re witness to the best thing this show has thrown our way yet. Sisely decides she needs to help Chelsea, who’s a much stronger singer than dancer (she’s the antithesis of Mariela, basically). They’re in the same group and Sisely doesn’t want Chelsea bringing them down. Sisely, who’s either gotten a week’s worth of rest or is otherwise, ahem, amped up, shows Chelsea some moves:

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Chelsea’s reaction is priceless:

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With the gusto of an aerobics instructor dying a slow, painful, possibly violated death, Sisely barks nonsensical orders at Chelsea. Chelsea has a hard time keeping up.

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For her grand finale, Sisely flails herself across the floor. The suggestion is that Chelsea do the same:

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What the hell kind of instruction is that? It’s like having someone who’s cross-eyed assist you in target practice.

Awesomely, in the end, Sisely asks Chelsea, “How did that feel?”

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Chelsea’s response is an instant classic: “Uh, stupid.” Chelsea just rose in the ranks for me. In fact, if she doesn’t take this thing home after that cherry on top of this brilliant scene, I’ll never listen to the Pussycat Dolls again. Willingly.

Then, the girls hit the studio for their challenge: they’ll recreate the chorus of a Pussycat Dolls track. The track will be…wait for it…”Don’t ‘Cha.”

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Knock knock. Who’s there. Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad that you get to listen to “Don’t Cha” again?! It’s been almost 30 minutes since the opening credits when it last was played! You know you missed it.

Ron Fair records the girls and gives them guidance. What a gorgeous voice. If only he had killer knockers, he himself could too be a Pussycat Doll. Next season should be all about Ron’s transformation.

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Not much else happens, except that Mariela kicks ass, despite the fact that we’ve been told countless times that she can’t sing. The praise has her burst into tears:

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Please take a moment to reflect on the fact that Mariela was reduced to tears upon hearing her own rendition of “Don’t ‘Cha.” Are you moved?

In the end, Melissa S. wins.

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The “S” is for “sappy but classy.”

Then, it’s time to get ready for the final performances:

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The lesson here is that while fake eyelashes might make you prettier, the act of applying them does not.

The girls perform:

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The judges like the “Free Your Mind” performance much more than the “Heartbreaker” one. On the latter, Lil’ Kim says, “I love Pat Benetar. On my second album, I redid this same song. And whenever I did perform it, you would’ve thought I was Pat Benetar.” When Kim says “you” here, she’s addressing the segment of the population that is blind and has not ever heard Pat Benetar’s music.

Sisely gets the most negative feedback during judging. She just couldn’t get it together. Again, out come the sage words of Kim:

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Sisely, you wanna be the next Pussycat Doll. This is something you’ve gotta go through. I mean, I’ve been in the industry a long time, and could you imagine the things I have to go through? I mean, I had to go to prison. (Boisterous laughter) And I had to come back, could you imagine what I had to go through?” You know that since she stepped on that set, Kim has been dying to mention her prison sentence. Prepare to hear it repeatedly. When the girls will do their inevitable performance of “Stickwitchu,” for example, I bet Kim will be all, “In prison we don’t have sticks. We have shivs.”

Sisely does not take kindly to the negative feedback:

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Well, Sis, at least you know that if the Pussycat thing doesn’t work out, you can definitely get a job as the new face of Mr. Yuk on poison-warning stickers:

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In the end, for lacking in persona and for not standing out, Jaime is eliminated:

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In her exit interview, Jaime notes: “I think Robin helped me find that person that I am right now.” You mean the one without a persona? Gotcha.

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