With Sisely knocked out of the competition this week, the normal question would be: Who will pick up her slack and bring the crazy?
But since we’re talking about Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, the only possible answer could be: oh, everybody.
We open on drama. Girls in the kitchen laugh and say "bitch"…
…while Asia, distanced from the girls, sits alone reading her Bible:
She’s reading Chapter 13, Verse 69 of the Letters to the Hoe-rinthians: "Does thou not wish thy idol was righteous like me?"
The girls get video mail from the Dolls.
This week will focus on creativity. Apparently, that’s something a PCD needs only part of the time.
Charlie Nicole Scherzinger tells the girls that, "It’s all about being a unique individual." And then I see the Pussycat Dolls together and realize that I wouldn’t know them from an armful of Bratz dolls, and this seems like a bold-faced lie.
In the rehearsal studio, Robin addresses the girls with help from…the red-headed ‘Cat.
(Take note: The secret to individuality is a bold hair color. It’s vivacious so you don’t have to be.)
Robin tells the girls: "That’s what it takes to be a Pussycat Doll, is taking all of that stuff that you’ve learned all of your life and just mixing it up." Into an incoherent jumble-slash-reality show? Gotcha.
Chelsea would seem to take these words to heart, based on her general approach to communication.
Chelsea’s inner Doll is a Betsy Wetsy and it just peed all over her brain.
The girls are split into two groups with the meek-ish Chelsea and Asia as the group leaders. They pick their teams one-by-one, gym-class style. Sisley is picked last because the girls can’t hang with how rock and roll she is. They’ll be singing disco songs this week. Here’s how it all breaks down:
They rehearse, though nothing they sing can match the beauty of Anastacia’s hair.
Homegirl looks like Joss Stone in a cyclone.
During a break, Sisely jokes that Asia dances like a drag queen. Everyone finds this hilarious, except for Asia, who sucks her teeth…
…like a drag queen!
More rehearsing, and then we return to the aforementioned, apparently pivotal moment. Asia is still pissed about what Sisely said and she reveals that she has a history of violence. The prospect of Asia bringing out the God warrior is really exciting. Her inner Doll is probably a Talking David.
After Asia’s reveal, Sisely cries. This may or may not be related to the threat of having her ass throttled righteously.
Sisely bemoans her lack of common ground with the other girls. Sisely’s tears don’t fall so much as rawk down her face.
Then, Robin shows up and tells the girls they’ll be going somewhere. She instructs them to "dress sexy." Kinda goes without saying, no?
That somewhere turns out to be the rehearsal space, where the girls get a lecture from the yellow-haired ‘Cat.
Yellow-Haired ‘Cat (aka Ashley) tells the girls, "Inside every woman is a Pussycat Doll." Ashley may have just summed up exactly what is wrong with our culture in three seconds. Very impressive. Ashley’s inner doll is Sociologist Barbie.
The girls are informed that this week’s challenge will involve dancing creatively and sexily with men. At the sight of the boys that are brought out, the girls salivate.
Remaining sassy but classy in the face of all that man meat will prove to be the girls’ biggest challenge yet.
As usual, Chelsea proves herself to be the most entertaining girl still in the running towards becoming America’s next top Pussycat. What she lacks in dancing skills she makes up for in sexual prowess and general flexibility.
When Chelsea finally performs, she seals her dance with a kiss.
She comments after that her dad is going to freak out. First the bangs and now this. Chelsea is this close to buying a time-share on Loose Lady Lane!
Mariela, however, wins the challenge.
She’s creative even if her hair isn’t.
And then, it’s time for the final performances.
Chelsea, Anastacia and Mariela’s rendition of "Shame" is universally praised. When Chelsea gets good feedback about her voice, she becomes more apple-cheeked than usual. She’s seriously close to sprouting a stem. Maybe her inner doll is actually Apple Dumplin. Regardless, she looks a lot like Dolly Read in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.
Beyond the Valley of the Pussycat Dolls is a great idea for a spin-off, if I do say so myself. How else could you top this show, except by adding even bigger boobs?
Asia, Sisely and the Melissas don’t do as well. In fact, this is the most exciting thing about the performance:
Also of note is the fact that Sisely performs with her pinky out.
Don’t let that stripper pole she’s using as support fool you: she is a lady.
Oh, and, after the performance, Robin scolds Melissa R. for dropping her boa, which we see in a flashback:
That boa hit the ground? In the name of all things good and Pussycat-like, burn it!
Oh, and as Sisely is being ripped apart by the judges, it strikes me that she’s a ringer for Kim Cattrall:
Sisley’s inner doll is named Samantha.
Then, deliberations, which are unexciting, as Lil’ Kim is both lucid and silent about her time spent in the clink. The only cool thing that happens is that Robin brings up Sisely’s branding of Asia as drag queen-like. Robin reappropriates this for Asia, saying that "Drag queens are hot."
Robin has just revealed the guiding philosophy of her appearance.
In the end, Sisely and Melissa S land in the Bottom 2. As Robin rambles, a shot of Sisely reveals that she is awfully reflective:
It would seem that Lil’ Kim isn’t the only one on the show with a potentially radioactive nose.
Except that now she is because Sisely gets the boot for being too unique. See, I knew that whole "be different, gal!" thing was a total crock. Nicole Scherzinger is a Pussycat con!
In Sisely’s exit interview, she wonders what the show will do without her. Oh, we’ll manage, Sis. We’ll manage.