So, Rob went a little crazy and smashed up the house…
Big deal! It’s not like anyone needs that mansion, anyway! The show is over!
At the start of this, our Surreal Life Fame Games season finale, we see Ron and Pep plotting. It seems unimportant at first, but as we’ll see, it has disastrous results. Remember it.
Robin corrals the remaining Lifers and tells them that today’s challenge is to film a 30-second commercial for GoldenPalace.net. He gives them a bare-bones script and tells them that they can do whatever they want with it — adding to it, rearranging it, whatever. Rob immediately starts violently tearing it and making spitballs that produce welts on the faces, arms and backs of his competitors. How’s that for rearranging? Just kidding. He doesn’t do that. But he would.
The celebs get to work:
A stressed-out Pepa says that she gave herself a pep talk. Does that surprise anyone? It’s not like she’d give herself a salt talk.
They then film their commercials. Ron hits a wall when he’s told to add three words ("I just won money at a casino") so as not to misrepresent what GoldenPalace.net offers (which, apparently, is experience, not money).
Ron’s not exactly the type of actor who has to rely on perfect line-readings, you know?
Everyone seems to do pretty well. A funny outtake occurs when Traci says, "It’s a great place to learn and [messing up]…f***!" A great place to learn and f***? Just like high school!
They complete their commercials and find that they’ll watch them be scrutinized by a focus group via a two-way mirror.
First up is Rob, who speaks with the manic verve of that guy with all the question marks on his suit that tries to sell you that big book of rebates on late-night TV.
Rob’s commercial is loved. One girl says Rob is hot. An older woman says, "He’s young, he’s now, he’s hip, he’s got the tattoos." What more could you ask for? People also like his energy.
Then, it’s Ron’s turn.
Everyone knows Ron and his porn. One woman says Ron is very well known for his "well-endowedness." that woman is, however, not known for her linguistic endowment. Ron is sleazy-looking, says one person. That seems kind of appropriate, though, as this ad is for an online casino. Have you been to Atlantic City recently?
Then, there’s Traci:
People think she is convincing and hot. One guy says her boobs were distracting. Dude, are you gay?
Finally, there is Pep.
She is savaged. People don’t believe her. The same guy that took issue with Traci’s boobs thinks that Pep tried to be sexy and failed. In an interview, Pep lets this roll off her shoulders, saying that she knows she’s cute. "Are you gay?" she wonders. Exactly, Pep. Exactly.
In the end, Traci wins.
This means that she will automatically be in the final two. Traci is elated.
She’s like a bird, but she won’t only fly away because she has a competition to win.
The other three remaining contestants are now forced to turn on each other. Each one has to choose someone to kick out. Scheming ensues.
Those are Ron’s words. Basically, he’s playing both sides. He decides that what he’ll do is vote for himself to be kicked out. That way, if Rob votes for Pep and Pep votes for Rob, it’ll be a three-way tie and, in theory, they’ll have to play another game that won’t involve backstabbing. That plan is foiled, however, when it comes time for the elimination and Robin gives each player two tokens, each with one of the other players names on them. By the challenge’s design, Ron cannot vote for himself. Yikes.
Ron votes for Rob, basically because he’s the bigger threat. You understand his line of reasoning, but it really sucks that swore up and down the Ron (whom he’s been friends with for years) that they had an alliance. Rob confronts Ron all sassy and hands-on-hippy.
And then, Rob explodes and blows up any semblance of sympathy you might have for him. He tears the house apart.
He has to be restrained…
But, unfortunately, no one brings him his blankie. That probably would have done the trick. That’s to say: GROW UP, DUDE.
Rob leaves the competition with a bloody hand…
…and less dignity than you ever would have thought was possible. Whatever, at least his exit was memorable.
Ron and Pep immediately are thrust into the series’ final Back to Reality game. They have to play it on the busted set, which is actually sort of hilarious.
Nothing says A-listed like smashed light bulbs. The Back to Reality game they’ll be playing is…
Basically, they have to go through and rank where each member falls on a list of Google hits. Ron cleans the floor with Pep. Here’s the final ranking, btw.
Search for yourself and you’ll find that these rankings have gone down considerably since last year, when this show was filmed. Tragic.
And then, the final challenge. Robin drops Ron and Traci off in front of an alley. Classy. He tells them to walk down and they’ll meet their fate.
Their fate is a Fremen! Not really, but it would be so awesome if this show closed out with the two of them high on spice, their eyes filled blue instead of with stars. Traci says she didn’t know whom the cloaked figure was. Was it Chyna? Was it Verne? Because, really, they’d look exactly the same if they were hidden under a cloak. The statures are the same, it’s the faces that are different.
Anyway, the real person under the cloak turns out to be:
That’s kind of awesome. Kathy does the sensitively insensitive thing well.
There’s a funny bit where Traci gets inspiration from the ghost of Verne. He’s supposed to be Yoda-like…
…but again: FREMEN.
Kathy puts Ron and Traci through some final challenges. The criticizes Ron’s outfit.
Next time, he should bring a boa, too.
Kathy has them deliver fake Oscar speeches. Ron gets to do his patented name-dropping one last time.
You know it’s bad when even the producers stop counting.
Kathy sees how they deal with heckling. Then, Kathy dances with them.
Traci’s dance involves the robot…
…shockingly, the lameness factor does not disqualify Traci.
She has each one plead their case one final time before setting them in front of two doors. One leads to the prize money, and the other leads to…another alley? Something.
We never find out where Ron goes because we’re too excited celebrating Traci’s win!
Say what you will: Traci wanted this bad, and she fought hard for it.
In her acceptance speech, she even thanks the hookers that took part in one of the challenges. Who else would do that. Traci has a heart of gold. In her exit interview, she calls the experience "surreal." Uh, yeah, babe. That’s the point.