In this episode, New York finally chooses her man.
Don’t they look adorable together?
As promised at the end of last episode, New York and her remaining guys are whisked away to Playa Del Carmen, Mexico for their remaining time together.
It’s beautiful that the ocean is filled with hearts. Even the Gulf of Mexico has love for New York.
When New York and her studs arrive in Mexico, a party breaks out.
The last time New York was this happy involved a trip to Chi-Chi’s. New York is presented a pineapple dressed as a man, Mr. Potatohead-style.
"He’s cute!" she exclaims. Too bad that she’s just meeting him now. He could have provided some stiff competition on the show. You know that New York loves a dude with a tough exterior.
Then, the three of them eat. New York asks Chance why Tango has made it to the Top 2. Uh, ask yourself, crazy woman. Chance doesn’t know. Then she asks Tango what she sees in Chance. Tango points to his honesty which makes no sense, as Tango talked about Chance’s fakeness during lunch. New York points out the contradiction while wearing the face of a know-it-all:
The eyelashes make her look smart.
Chance bristles at the suggestion that he’s fake (defensive much?) and that he agreed to be on the show to further his rap career. He argues with Tango to the point where things reach an incoherent fever pitch.
Threats of violence abound. As does nonsense. In an interview, Chance says, "F*** him and his back-stabbin’, big fat mouth, blabber ass, Ninja Turtle-lookin’, motherf***in’ yezzir-talkin, syrup-sippin’ motherf***in’ ass." Curious.
Tango may hit the sizzurp, but he’s definitely not into is having wine spilled on him, which ends up happening as the result of Chance’s flailing.
This sets Tango over the edge:
Despite the sexiness that may or may not result from Tango’s hot-and-bothered-ness, New York decides that dinner has been a disaster and from now until elimination, she will have to spend time with the guys separately. Chance leaves in a huff. Tango is more civil.
In typical New York fashion, she decides that dates or no dates, she’s there to eat and proceeds to pig out.
It’s sort of inspiring to watch someone who will gorge herself so openly with a few cameras as her only dining companions. New York is a walking PSA against eating disorders. If that PSA were translated into Spanish, the result might be "Mucho Delicious-a" campaign. It would probably be muy persuasive-a.
The next day, Tango receives a note telling him to put on his bathing suit and get ready for a wet and wild time. In other words, get ready for New York as you’ve seen her every single time before. Good old Tiffany "New ‘Wet and Wild’ York" Pollard.
Her date with Tango takes place on a boat. This is the first time that they’ve spent alone together, amazingly enough. But is anyone really alone when there’s a pack of Newports nearby?
And then: eyelash drama. Quite hilariously, New York’s right eyelash starts flapping around in the wind.
She moans and complains for a while. "Just don’t look at me!" she shouts at Tango. That’s probably the first time she’s ever said that in her life. She resolves this vital and compelling drama by deciding that a pair of sunglasses will protect her precious fur eyelashes.
Then, she and Tango eat on a nearby beach. New York explains that she eats like a truck driver, and then proceeds to bite Tango’s sandwich (nudge, nudge, wink, wink).
She eats like a truck driver…at a glory hole.
It also feels important to note that New York’s rogue eyelash has taken a beating:
It looks like it had a stroke.
The pair enjoy their time in the sun. Tango remarks that they "look like a postcard." You know something…
The pair sail back to their original spot for…more eating.
New York eats like a truck-driving tapeworm. To put an end to their "marv-u-lous day," New York invites Tango back to her room for a "night cap." And maybe a jimmy cap. There, she dons lingerie that looks…long.
She tells the camera in an interview that at that point, she looks hot and sexy and is ready to…"uh." Ah yes, the usage of "uh" as perfected by Adina Howard. Unfortunately no tour of the hood on a gangsta lean is to follow.
But at least there’s this for consolation:
And then, New York and Tango take their alone time.
New York emerges a changed woman in the morning.
See what a lack of sleep can do to you?
No matter what, no matter where, no matter how, putting New York around (semi-) wild animals is a recipe for comedy. Seriously, if the woman ever gets sick of guys, she needs to host her own animal show. She could even do it elimination style ("Manatee, you have the heart of gold but the face of a…manatee. Also, to be quite frank, your fat rolls disgust me. I’m sorry. You’re going home tonight."). You know the tortoise would totally win that show.
And so New York frolics with the dolphins .
As she pets one, she says, "Oh my goodness! Is this real?" No, it isn’t Real. It’s a dolphin. And you’re New York. However, Real’s brother is standing to your right. His name is Chance. Welcome to your show.
A "son-of-a-bitch dolphin" splashes New York in the face. It would seem that dolphins can sense not only fear but false eyelashes. New York docks hers:
They deserve their own spin-off. They’re practically supporting characters in this finale! Then, New York talks some smack about the dolphins.
"I don’t trust anything that has a hole on top of its head. What’s up with that? Where is the brain?" Indeed, New York. Where is the brain? Indeed.
Then, there’s some freaking out and eventual body surfing via propelling dolphins:
It’s a triumphant moment from New York, like something out of the Special Olympics.
Time for dinner with Chance.
…and, after they’re seated, New York mentions that Chance reminds her of Flav. This dredges up all kinds of old feelings of being abandoned and probably wielding knives and bathing in saliva. Chance is at his smoothest tonight and so, he gets an invite to New York’s room after dinner:
It’s hard to tell if they uh-uh all through the night till the early morn.
Then it’s, "Later Mex! Heeeey LAX!"
The guys receive word that they should pretty themselves up before the final elimination ceremony.
Chance goes shopping for clothes…
…and receives the painful ritual procedure that is the unibreezy-ectomy.
And right before elimination, he does his hair all slick…
…literally. It looks like his head has been wrapped in marbelized lunch meat.
Meanwhile, Tango shops at a jewelery store.
What could he possibly be buying? Hmmmmm…
Before elimination, New York frets over the choice she has to make.
Sister Patterson is as anti-Chance as usual (she doesn’t seem to be very pro-Tango, though). In an interview, she says something totally bizarre…
Since when does Sister P refer to her daughter as "New York"? Doesn’t she hate that name? This lady only gets weirder.
Too weird for New York, who casts her mother away while she makes up her mind:
Sister Patterson promises that she’ll go in peace. Liar!
And then, it’s time for elimination .
New York actually looks pretty. Maybe she switched to synthetic eyelashes?
Again, she sends her mother away. Again, Sister P does not disappear in a puff of smoke. Again, that fact is shocking.
New York gets down to it, explaining her dilemma. Tango’s her rock, but they’re different. Chance is her fire, and they are "totally exact," whatever the hell that means. She then announces that she’s going to be rolling with Tango…
"Tango, New York wants you to be her rock," she says. You can tell that she really means it because she speaks in the third person. She asks Chance for some love, and he sort of resists.
He gives her a half hug and she says that she wants both hands. New York doesn’t just wants her cake, she also wants to eat it and to smear it all over herself. Chance bounces. He’s met outside by Sister Patterson who’s obviously thrilled that he’s the first one out the door. She asks him what this means, so as to rub it in his face. His response is brilliant:
And then, more brilliance.
And then, head-exploding brilliance as Chance rides home:
Chance launches into an undoubtedly bleezy-enhanced rant
about New York that concludes with, "I ain’t huggin’ your ass. I already done slapped your ass, shook your ass, tapped that ass…man, get your ass up outta here." Just when you thought the most creative use of "ass" repetition could be found on Flavor of Love, Chance proved you to be a sucka. He also refers to New York as a, "crazy choice-makin’ ass woman." You get the feeling that he isn’t referring to her hair choices, too.
It’s important to note here that many people have criticized New York’s choice of Tango as her man. People say, among things, that he’s ugly and fat. Not true. He’s just kind of thick and muscular. The difference between Chance and Tango is like the difference between a Cornish hen and a juicy steak. You may enjoy sucking on chicken bones, but don’t begrudge those who want to sink their teeth into a thick slab of beef. OK?
Back at the house, more craziness is about to unfurl. New York presents Tango with the last chain, which is much nicer than the others. She asks if he has love for New York and he does. In fact, he says, "I love New York." And then, to prove that he gets down on one knee…
New York stammers and eventually says yes, kicking off a series of bizarre faces, each prettier than the next.
New York babbles like someone who’s been hit on the head. Maybe she has been…by love! She asks Tango what the rules of marriage are. His response:
That should be simple enough. Snapping back to reality, New York asks him, "You really just engaged to me?"
Uh, yeah, New York. Something like that.
Expect to hear more about this during the I Love New York reunion, airing Sunday, April 15 at 9/8c. This is only the beginning…