Pussycap – Farewell-a, Mariela

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Mariela may not have been the best singer in the competition, but she was by far the most limber.

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It sucks to see her go!

We start with a grim vision of the future:

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Chelsea reports, "We’re the final six in the nation!" Can you imagine if that were literally true and how chilling it would be? Pussycat Apocalypse would be the grindhouse scare to end all grindhouse scares.

Then, Anastacia frets.

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She just can’t stop eating, which means that instead of a toothpick, her figure is starting to look more like a twig. How humiliating.

The girls get video mail from the Pussycat Dolls, which is incoherent even for them. They then go to meet Robin in the studio. She tells them, "As we already know, if there’s one thing the Pussycat Dolls are, it’s sexy." Not musical, not entertaining, not even necessarily women. Just sexy. As ridiculous as it is, it’s a pretty lucid statement. And since the PCDs are soooo sexy, the contestants are going to be shipped to "one of the sexiest cities in the world": Las Vegas. Uh, ok. Las Vegas is sexy like having pubic hair stuck in your teeth is sexy. The girls will perform at the Pussycat Dolls Lounge (such a thing exists!) during a show consisting exactly of one song: "Tainted Love." The girls will learn the song and their choreography on the bus on the way to Vegas. They’ll also be fit for wardrobe on the bus. This challenge is meant to replicate the potentially on-the-go lifestyle of the Pussycat Dolls, but really…

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…it more replicates the potential octogenerian lifestyle of the Pussycat Dolls, what with all the stumbling, hobbling and complaining.

Melissa R. explains what it is to learn a dance on the bus with a handy visual:

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Melissa R’s inner doll is a windshield wiper.

Complaining, especially, from Asia, who takes issue with the food they are served (it’s hard to tell exactly what it is, but apparently, it involves turkey):

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"I’m sorry! I don’t eat healthy, I don’t eat like a bird. I can’t eat vegetables and crap like that. I’m a simple girl. I like cheeseburgers and French fries. Like, God! Why is that so hard to get? I’m from freakin’ New York." First of all: if you’re going to be a performer in Vegas, you better get used to brown rice and vegetables. Second of all, this isn’t hard to "get," Asia. It’s just stupid. Third of all, SHUT UP, ASIA!

This bitch session is juxtaposed with a wardrobe fitting that doesn’t go well for Anastacia, who apparently does not have the metabolism of Asia.

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Oh yeah, she’s a regular hippo. A hippo carrying triplets. Tripplos, even.

Then, they get to Vegas and perform. We find out that the audience will be judging the girls – whomever garners the most votes will be exempt from this week’s elimination. "Tainted Love" begins. Mikey, via narration, harps on Anastacia’s body. "Anastacia did not feel comfortable in her outfit, and she let everyone know that, which is the first no-no of being a Pussycat Doll, and really, just being a performer." I want to see that list of no-nos. I’m curious as to what No. 69 is.

Also, I ask you, does this look like someone who isn’t comfortable with her outfit?

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Come on, dude.

The only other thing of note about this performance is that Mariela strikes this pose and keeps it for a while:

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Wouldn’t it be awesome if you ran into someone in the street and she was just doing that nonchalantly? It’s inviting, really.

After the performance, the girls are brought up to their presidential suite and they proceed to freak out.

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Robin joins them and announces that Melissa S received by far the most votes.

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The "S" stands for "seriously?"

Then: more food drama. Anastacia eats a whole serving of crème brûlée. Can you blame her? Meanwhile, Asia complains more about what they’re given. Dude, if you used your mouth to eat instead of bitch, you might discover that crème brûlée kicks more ass than a million French fries on top of New York cheesecake on top of New York pizza. Chelsea says that Asia is diva-like. Only in the valley of the Pussycat Dolls would a demand for a cheeseburger and French fries be considered "diva-like."

Regardless, Asia gets her way.

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The next day, the girls are assigned this week’s songs. They’ll be singing duets that they’re told to make sexy. Don’t forget Sapphic! Anastacia and Melissa S will sing Toni Braxton’s "Un-break My Heart." Chelsea and Mariela will sing Christina Aguilera’s "I Turn To You." Asia and Melissa R will sing Aerosmith’s "I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing." And if that doesn’t have you all hot, surely this will:

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Girl-on-girl wrestling! Between the high drama and higher eye makeup, this show has been resembling Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling all along. Now it is gorgeous ladies wrestling. Beautiful.

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With Chelsea defeated, Asia’s next competition is, undoubtedly, her arteries.

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"Take that, bird food!"

To help the girls with their songs, vocal coach Valerie Morehouse is enlisted. Asia gets all pissy all over again after Valerie tells her that her vocals are too acrobatic. "Stop the theatrics," says Valerie. NOT. LIKELY.

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Asia sulks and has nothing oily to console her. Chelsea describes the scene as only she can: "Asia is the biggest complainer out of all of us. Like, very bitchy and very like (choppy breaths) to (high-pitched squealing). Like, whines about stuff, and it’s just like…

"

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Chelsea is the best recapper on the planet. I seriously feel inadequate.

Then, more bitching from Asia. This time she complains about missing her child. Then go take care of her and stop bothering us, lard licker. Between the way she holds her arms in her hoodie and her crocodile tears, Asia looks exactly like the Mock Turtle from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

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Then, it’s time for the sexy duets. First up is Melissa R and Asia. Melissa R doesn’t want to miss a thing, and her skirt doesn’t want you to miss a thing.

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Seriously, she might as well have worn a bathing suit. Asia, meanwhile, does nothing to reduce her nausea-inducing vibrato. She sounds

like a sheep singing Stevie Nicks singing Aerosmith.

Melissa R breaks down by the end of the song because, she says, she was thinking of her grandmother.

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TMI!

Melissa’s voice gets good marks, but her breakdown does not. Kim says…

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"I had to perform literally two weeks after Biggie died. So, try not to stop singing because something amazing can come out of that emotion." Something amazing like Notorious K.I.M.?  Also, you know she’s been dying to mention Biggie since the show began. It’s kind of amazing that she held off till now without exploding.

Next up are Anastacia and Melissa S. Anastacia is particularly notable:

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She sings like a molester. You may need me here to hold you now, but I need to call PCA.

Still, their performance is liked. What isn’t liked is Chelsea and Mariela’s rendition of "I Turn to You." They end up in the Bottom 2.

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Mariela gets the boot. The rationale isn’t any clearer or more rational than any other week’s decision. After dismissing Mariela, Robin cries, saying, "I’m sad because you’re beautiful."

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Lady, that’s a weird reason to cry. But on the plus side, it’s nice to know that all the work hasn’t blocked her tear ducts.

Mariela leaves with dignity.

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The show has changed her. "I don’t care what people think of me anymore, and I used to care what people thought." So she’s either been beaten down by the constant judging or she had an epiphany. Either way: amazing.

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