Over the weekend, Britney Spears delivered what might be the performance of her career: a rant into a paparazzo’s video camera that’s heavy on the Valley Girl accent and even heavier on the sarcasm. Or, uh, something. Watch the video here, but don’t expect to understand it: as Brit says with facetiousness heavier than a five-pound bag of Cheetos, "America believe everything you read. Because, like, you’re smart and I’m stupid." Yo, America, Britney Spears just called you stupid. That’s like a manatee dissing your curves. How does that make you feel?
And since you’re so stupid, we thought we’d help you out with a line-by-line translation of Brit’s speech after the jump. For real: come on, y’all.
What Brit says: "I’m just really, really shocked at, like, how nice our world is."
What Brit means: The world is a mean place, and after spending about two thirds of my life in the public sector, I’m just starting to see that. But I’m the smart one, y’all.
What Brit says: "Because it’s just so nice."
What Brit means: The world is really that mean, but the word "nice" is so…nice. It bears repeating.
What Brit says: "Like, oh my God!"
What Brit means: Are you there, Chester Cheetah? It’s me. Britney.
What Brit says: "Like, the other day, like, I was sitting there, and I saw these magazines and they said I was pregnant. And, like, it’s so true."
What Brit means: Some people eat their pain away. I pregnant my pain away. But only sometimes.
What Brit says: "Like, America believe everything you read. Because, like, you’re smart and I’m stupid. For real. Come on, y’all."
What Brit means: By asserting my mental superiority over the whole of America, I will undoubtedly endear myself to anyone within earshot. You know me: America’s Know-It-All! Someone tell Dakota Fanning that she’s been replaced.
What Brit says: "And after that, I totally saw, also, on the USA Today, ’cause always believe everything you read, that it said that, you know, like, I was drinking all the time. And, like, it was so right. It was so true. I mean, oh my God, it was so right."
What Brit means: I don’t need alcohol to have fun flashing my vagina in public and posing in outlandish wigs. I’m a big girl.
What Brit says: "And, like, my management totally knew what they were doing when they sent me to rehab. So right, you know?"
What Brit means: I ain’t got 70 days ’cause there’s nothing, there’s nothing you can teach me, that I can’t learn from Big Bird.
What Brit says: "And I’m just gonna cry right now because the world is so nice. Like, this lady, she told me, she said, ‘Britney. Go to the light. Go to the light and see Jesus.’ And I was like, oh my God, I’m gonna do it. And I did it. And it happened."
What Brit means: Remember Poltergeist? Yeah.
What Brit says: "And it was just so weird because our world is so nice. So thank you so much."
What Brit means: Have you put on some weight, America? Your collective manatee thighs are, like, totally destroying my buzz.