After talking trash on Chelsea for approximately an entire episode, Melissa S. gets the boot.
But it’s karma that ultimately proves to be the biggest bitch. Thanks for playing!
First of all: sorry there was no recap last week. My pussycat ate it.
Anyway, at the start of the episode, the Pussycat Dolls tell the girls that they are to receive a "crash course" on what it means to be a celebrity from Robin.
Good thing the actual Dolls aren’t teaching this one. A course on long socks and needless skullies (they’re in Cali!) would be quite dull.
But before that class, there will be dancing. We find out that the girls will sing solos. Asia will do JoJo’s "Too Little Too Late," Melissa S. has Norah Jones’ "Don’t Know Why," Melissa R. will perform Rose Royce’s "I’m Goin’ Down" and Chelsea gets Christina Aguilera’s "What a Girl Wants." You know what a recapper wants? Proper respect for Rose Royce. Robin says that "I’m Goin’ Down" is Mary J. Blige’s track, when it’s Rose Royce that performed it first. Don’t try to make like you don’t remember the ’70s, Rob. You can Botox away your wrinkles, but not memories.
The girls will also dance as a group to the PCD track "Beep." Honk if you’re vaguely talented! Instruction begins.
"Hot! Sexy! Ha! You know what I mean?" barks Robin. Um, not really. The "ha" part kinda rings true, though.
And then, Robin does this:
That’s extremely urban of her.
Dancing continues and Cheslea gets slammed repeatedly. Mikey gets all huffy with her. He says, "Fists…
Chelsea has a hard time getting this because she was not formerly aware that she has the motor skills to ball her hands into fists in the first place. "Fuh-ists?" she wondered. You learn something new everyday.
And then, Chelsea practices, dancing by herself with nothing but a slow, glowing dream.
Bizarrely, kindness wraps around and takes a hold of Asia’s heart, and she helps Chelsea, going through some moves with her.
This infuriates Melissa S., who says, "This competition isn’t really about being a good person." Yeah, yeah, pipe down, there, Nicole Jerkzinger.
And then, it’s time for Robin to bring the girls on a "whirlwind promo tour." If only she’d bring them to an actual whirlwind and, like, let go.
First up is the filming of a deodorant commercial. The girls are given a script that extols the virtues of Secret’s new Scent Expressions line, "an exotic collection of beautiful fragrances from around the globe." With such diversity, it’s like the Pussycat Dolls for your underarms.
The girls do their bits.
Melissa R. forgets the name of what she’s looking at. Now she knows how this show’s viewing audience feels whenever she’s on screen.
Melissa S. pretty much just poses like this the whole time:
Lame perhaps, but at least the deodorant is aroused.
As Chelsea records her commercial, Melissa S. stares at her, undoubtedly to shake Chelsea up. It works and she fumbles. The directors suggest that she sing a few lines since she’s so good and so she does.
The vibrato on the last line makes her sound like a ghost. Her freshness is haunting.
Finally, Asia goes and knocks it out of the park.
It’s nice to see her upping her game and all, but it’s even nicer to see her repping for those with freakish sweat glands in their neck. Make-out sessions just got a little less sloppy!
Then, as per the whirlwind tour, each girl gets a (boring) photo shoot and a (boring) interview with Mark McGrath. The only point of interest is when Mark asks Melissa S. which girl she’d boot from the show and Melissa boldly says Chelsea.
Apparently, Melissa S. doesn’t watch America’s Next Top Model, she just appears in a thinly veiled rip-off of it. For if she did watch that show, she’d know that you never talk about your fellow…um, girl in the same situation as you. Or something. Anyway, Melissa S. goes into the control room where the rest of the girls are watching and attempts to hug Chelsea.
Well, that settles it: Melissa S. is a sweetheart. See how easy that was?
To her credit, Chelsea (as you can see in the shot above) doesn’t hug her back. To her discredit, she creates a mutant cliche (a triteoid?) when she mashes two together to express her frustration. "I would have never thrown you under the gun like that!" she says. Is the gun wearing a pair of steel toes?
In the end, Asia wins the whirlwind competition, and her teeth come out to congratulate her.
The prize, we come to find, is that the commercial she filmed will be shown as a real commercial. We see this commercial at the next break and it features a shot of Asia doing this:
What a prize.
Then, there’s some more rehearsing and Chelsea cries on the phone with her dad, who says to her, "Millions of other girls wish they were in your place."
He’s probably correct: millions of girls probably do wish they were crying on a reality show. It’s right, but it’s not OK.
Then: the performance. Per the judges’ feedback: Chelsea’s getting better, Melissa S. learns choreography quickly, Melissa R. is perfect and Asia is like this:
And then, the solo performances. Melissa S. is called out for not having enough grit, but Lil’ Kim likes the breathy parts. That’s because she can relate.
Asia makes full use of the prop couch while performing "Too Little Too Late."
It’s a good thing she wore a shirt to match the upholstery. It’s always neat when that works out.
Everyone likes Asia’s performance.
Melissa R. sings about going down…
…and then she does so on the microphone. Kidding! But she does use the steps leading to the stage to great effect. Her performance is deemed "almost flawless."
Chelsea sings "What a Girl Wants"…
…if her body language is any indication, what a girl wants is an end to cramps. Makes sense!
Robin likes that Chelsea can sell this image. With that fringe she looks like a lamp. Oooh, Chelsea, you seem so…bright. Great image! Ron Fair thinks Chelsea should have made the song more hers. Kim doesn’t like the way Chelsea sang the hook. Kim mimics Chelsea’s singing to unintentionally hilarious effect. She sounds like she’s underwater. Really, it’s worth listening to a loop of this thing.
The judges deliberate. The most notable thing is that Melissa S. is deemed "white trashy" by Ron. He means it as a compliment. Seriously.
But not all the white trashiness in the world can save Melissa S. Melissa R. and Asia are told that they’ll go on to the final round. Asia squeals and makes this face:
Just when you thought she couldn’t get more awesome…
In the end, it’s down to Chelsea and Melissa S. Despite Chelsea’s bad dancing, she stays in the competition. Melissa S. gets the boot, but it’s Chelsea who needs the consoling.
And so, Melissa S. must hang up her boa. In an elimination montage, we get this, the greatest of all send-offs…
A crotch shot. Remember Melissa S. this way, please.