This episode offers draws…
…and foul draws…
These girls have come so far from their wild days on Flavor of Love!
At the start of this episode, Heather walks around in her bra and sings "Mary Had a Little Lamb." It’s too hard to pick out the most beautiful thing about this scene.
Heather should consider taking up shepherding. Think of all the lambs she’d save.
Clearly, Larissa hates that carb-ass bagel.
The girls find out via Mo’Nique that today’s guiding commandment will be…
There’s a typo in that screen shot — someone added a "C" and an "L" to the last word.
Anyway, what this means is that the girls will receive an etiquette lesson from this woman:
With a name like "Colette Swann," it would seem that she was sentenced to a life of etiquette coaching no matter what. Well, that or pageants and/or porno. The lines blur, but the name kicks ass. Schatar is stoked for the etiquette lesson.
"You know, as a direct descendant of royalty, I know all about etiquette." Girl, scooping out what was left in the sink of a Burger King bathroom and throwing it on your head as your "weave" does not make you royalty.
The Swann starts out by observing the way the girls walk and then sit.
Becky gets admonished for flashing the Swann.
"The teacher told me that she could see my little vagina!" First of all, Becky wasn’t wearing panties? She should call herself Becky Bucknaked. Second of all, it’s reassuring to know that her vagina is little and not, you know, baggy.
The Swann criticizes the red platforms Heather’s wearing over her knee socks for being "stripper-ish." In response, Heather says, "OK," as though it was a request and not a statement. How much for a lap dance, then?
Then, it’s time for the girls to walk with books on their heads. This rattles Cristal, for placing a book on her head will mess up her mohawk.
With a rebellious attitude to go with her rebellious hair, Cristal is nothing if not punk rock.
Then, the girls are schooled in table manners. The Swann teaches them a neat trick to use when remembering what side of the plate drinks and desserts go on: make circles with your thumb and forefinger so that you have formations of "b" and "d." The "b" side is the bread side and the "d" side is the dessert side. Alternately, you could always just look down at the table.
Saaphyri objects to this lesson.
"In my neighborhood or at my table with my family, we throw some symbols like that, we woulda got slapped across the head. ‘Cause my daddy was not gonna have no gangbangers up in his house. That is just not happening." Oh, Saaphyri and her continuing adventures in the concept of culture clash. Life is a constant safari for Saaphyri.
Then, practicing their lesson, Leilene asks if she can make a toast.
"May we all graduate and be successful at Charm School and in our everyday lives." Um, isn’t participating on a reality show the definition of graduating from your everyday life? Next thing you know, Leilene will toast to more Flavor of Love spin-offs. The Swann is similarly unimpressed with Leilene’s toast.
And back to her pond swims the Swann.
Then, the girls find out that they’ll soon have to impress someone and must group themselves in twos. They’re urged to choose a partner who they know they can beat. This means teams should consist of one fiercely competitive girl and one uniquely delusional girl, right? Wrong! Heather and Schatar team up despite both belonging to the latter group…
Mary had a little self-awareness, but it ran away screaming.
And then, Schatar proves to be a villainess, but a mild one in the vein of, say, Miss Piggy. Heather realizes she has clothes missing — a $400 dress and a $1500 BCBG suit. Brooke, too, notices that she has stuff missing. Hmmm…who would have done something so dastardly?
Heather cries and cries about her precious clothes that she loves like people.
Schatar mocks Heather’s tears.
This event will go down in history as BCBGate.
Instead of sitting around with crispy hair crying, Brooke actually does something about her plight. She gets off her ass and ends up showing it off.
Eventually, she finds the sentimental garments.
In the kitchen. Yeah, because none of these girls would end up getting hungry and looking there. Smart thinking, Schatar.
Reflecting on the event, Heather says…
"I didn’t realize that Charm School was gonna be so catty between the girls." Heather was also surprised to find out that Charm School involved charm and school.
Reflecting on the event, Schatar bursts with glee…
Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
And then we meet the man who must be impressed.
OK, so this marks a veritable wrinkle in the pop culture universe. Flavor of Love, if you can remember back as far as 2005, was initially a take-off of the concept of the then-phenomenally popular reality show The Bachelor. What does it say about your impact as a parody when an alum from the show you were spoofing turns up on not even on the original parody but a spin-off of it, and the whole thing is a great career move for said alum (as far as visibility goes)? This is seriously amazing.
Moving along (hard as Andrew Firestone’s postmodern presence is to not spend all recap gawking at), Andrew will meet with each of the pairs. One girl from each will be asked to dinner and then, at dinner, two of the six girls will be asked to dessert for the final face-off. Or eat-off depending on the girl and how honnnnngray she is. The grand prize will be an invitation to Andrew’s wine-release party. "Wine-release party?" What, is that held in a urinal? Everyone hold onto the cake!
The first girls to go are Darra and Saaphyri.
Darra impresses Andrew with her worldliness and so she is chosen to progress. Saaphyri tells the story a bit differently, though: "Andrew invited Darra to dinner because he seen she was round as hell and he thought her fat ass might enjoy some French food." Maybe he was just afraid that if he fed Saaphyri, her boobs would explode. Seriously, how much more can you fit in that?
Next up, Cristal and Shay:
Shay is forced to recount her violent balcony-tussling past, while Cristal proclaims herself a lover, not a fighter and compliments Andrew’s pink socks to boot. For not gay-bashing him, Andrew chooses Cristal.
Then, Courtney and Leilene:
Then, Becky and Jennifer.
Jennifer says that she doesn’t drink, but Becky steps right up to the plate, saying she loves some Coppola wine. This impresses Andrew immensely and he chooses Becky. Becky becomes so excited that she squats and scampers across the floor like a zombie from Evil Dead. Here’s a still:
She’s not even touching the ground. On a related note, you know what this show needs more of? Flying eyeballs.
Then, Larissa and Brooke.
Larissa bats her eyes at Andrew and wins him over. Whatever, she’s cute. Flaunt it if you’ve got it. Well, if you’ve got it, as well as a tube of mascara and an eyelash curler.
Then, Schatar and Heather:
Schatar, whose dress is equal parts Wonder Woman, She-Ra and Vegas-casino carpet, immediately reveals that it was she who stole Heather’s dress of high sentimental value. This immediately throws Heather off and she never gains any footing during the entire session:
Homegirl is rattled and that’s exactly what Schatar wants. That’s Heather for you, though: falling into every trap. Remember how she actually thought New York was on her side on Flavor of Love 2? You know if Heather were a mouse, you wouldn’t have to put peanut butter on a trap to catch her or anything. The shininess and spring-loading would be enough to get her on the trap.
Oh, and here’s a shot of Schatar you might like:
If there’s every a question as to the size of Schatar’s anything ("My Schatar, what big eyes/hair/breasts/ideas you have"), the answer is the same for all: the better to freak you out with.
Heather reports to the group that it was Schatar who hid the dresses. Brooke decides that this means she should mess with Schatar’s stuff and runs upstairs. Schatar whines like a five-year-old girl/grown flaming gay man (fine line!). She and Brooke exchange words that devolve into Brooke doing the following for no good reason except that it’s easy and disgusting enough:
Again: like a five-year-old girl or grown flaming gay man.
Larissa chimes in on Schatar as only Larissa can:
"She’s a wack-ass bitch that has a wack-ass weave, and I don’t like her wack-ass ass." Larissa should do commentary on Seymore Butts DVDs. She could just repeat "ass" for the duration of the film and be totally dead-on.
Then, the chosen six eat dinner with Andrew.
Most notable about this is Becky’s rap about her ass’s lack of assed ass.
"They call me Miss No Booty, when I turn around I got no back to me." So, she’s not the blackest white girl after all then, huh? Although maybe the
Mos Def Bubba Sparxxx reference makes up for what Becky lacks in the trunk.
In the end, Andrew quite wildly chooses Darra and Schatar to progress to the final round of dessert. Larissa is unhappy with this decision.
"I am so pissed. I’m thinkin’ after he was so intrigued with Schatar, I should just bend over and shake my ass like I been doin’ in his f***in’ face." You may only do that, Larissa, if you refer to it as your "ass-ass ass."
Darra, Schatar and Andrew eat.
Schatar tells some obviously fake story about her mother being in a wheelchair and goes as far as to fake cry:
Schatar wins the challenge. After Andrew announces this he calls out to Heather, saying, "Wait, girl! I’ll check out that mousetrap with you." Seriously, WTF?
Meanwhile, Brooke hatches a plan…
Schatar spazzes out and gloats when back in the house. Brooke, rather hilariously, says, "You won? You’re going to be horrible representation for him." First of all: ha! Second of all: give the guy a break, Brooke. You saw the talent pool he had to choose from.
The girls sit around the bedroom, and it’s clear that Schatar is oblivious to the panties that were placed over her picture. Panties, it should be added, that suggest said wearer has both a yeast infection and a leaky-ass ass. (The blacked-out center of the draws in the shot above would seem to corroborate the allegations of stainage.) The girls attempt to suggest that dirty draws have been placed above Schatar’s picture and she still doesn’t get it. Then they tell her that’s what happened. She still resists.
"Those aren’t mine, she says." Lies! In response, Larissa says, "Those are your dirty draws, and fess up to it!
Larissa’s crescendo at "fess" is nothing short of gorgeous. Larissa is music.
Oh, also, it would seem that Shay and Brooke have gotten past their differences, as they are seen nearly spooning:
Just in case you were concerned about race relations in the Charm School mansion.
The girls get word that as Schatar attends the
pee-pee wine-release party, they will have to cook for a meal with Mo’Nique. Their recipes will come from Mo’Nique’s cookbook, Skinny Women Make Excellent Toothpicks, or whatever it’s called. Immediately, Leilene freaks out.
Jennifer chimes in:
"She needs medications, bad," says Jennifer, her Philly accent blazing like a pack of Parliaments. When did Jennifer become a pubescent dweeb in the voice? Seriously, get her a Wii pad and some tinted Clearasil and she’s set.
Anyway, the girls cook, sans Leilene, who’s still babbling motivational platitudes to herself upstairs.
When Leilene finally makes it down, all that the girls were to cook is cooked. Leilene decides that she’ll make grilled cheese. She figured Schatar’s draws should be put to use somehow.
Speaking of her yeasty highness, Schatar’s entire party incident is quite special. First of all, this is what she wears:
That way no one can call her a cow, because she already has herself.
When she arrives, within two seconds, she wipes out.
It wouldn’t have been more of an omen if Damien himself put down a banana peel for her to trip over.
Schatar finds out that she’ll be addressing a group on the merits of Andrew’s new wine. Some party. She makes her way to the podium.
The guy all the way to the right is totally into her. Schatar reads her script as though she is trying out for a part in Red, White and Blaine.
And then, she unveils some sort of poster, only to have it fall on the ground.
What a spaz. She then cackles about what just happened. So even Schatar amuses Schatar. It’s nice that she isn’t missing out on what the rest of the world can always count on for some comedy.
In the end, Andrew kind of sends her back to the mansion quickly.
He says that she still needs some work. "She would probably need to get a little more refined in the dress code," he says. Apparently, he didn’t notice that when he chose her. Schatar’s dirty panties are to Schatar as Schatar’s Wonder Woman/She-Ra/carpet dress are to Andrew.
Back at the mansion, the girls dine with Mo.
Everyone can’t wait to tell on Leilene. Tattletales! Saaphyri points out the holes in Leilene’s cheese, if you will: "Leilene didn’t cook, so the bottom line is Leilene should be in trouble. We were supposed to cook out the cookbook. I don’t think Mo has no recipes called grilled tired-ass cheese." Leilene babbles something acknowledging that she was late, but that it’s not too late to change. Ooh, way to turn cliches on their ears! Saaphyri steps up as the voice of a nation when, in response she asks, "What are you talking about?"
The dress-hiding instance is examined. The girls can’t believe Schatar did that. Mo’Nique feels that Heather is a willing victim. "What she did, she played the hell out of y’all. Deal with it." Why is that OK?!?! Then, in what can only be interpreted as an act of sadism, Mo’Nique asks the girls to imitate each other. Saaphyri imitates Cristal and, in the process, implies that Cristal is a narcissist who talks too much. In response, Cristal imitates Saaphyri by doing this.
This impressionist rendering of Saaphyri does not amuse its muse. Cristal then launches into a monologue that proves most of Saaphyri’s point.
And then: elimination. The Bottom 3 this week is Cristal, Heather and Larissa.
Larissa was standoffish during the lesson and inappropriate with Andrew. Cristal is a mohawk-rocking diva. But it’s Heather who’s eliminated for the cardinal sin of wearing red pumps and being rattled by Schatar. Mo’Nique notes that being the victim gets boring. At least she’s looking out for the viewing audience!
In her exit interview, Heather says, "I think I’m a beautiful woman because of who I am, and if I change it might not be the same." Prized pupil right there. And so, this is the episode in which the music died. See you at the Apollo, Nevaeh!