Celebrity Fit Club is back! And this time, it’s got gender issues!
We open, quite awesomely, on the eight celebs — Da Brat, Maureen McCormick, Kimberley Locke, Tiffany, Cledus T. Judd, Dustin Diamond, Warren G and Ross the Intern — walking into what would seem to be a sports arena.
"What the hell?" asks Da Brat, announcing that her defenses are up. She’s sassy, that one. Here’s more proof:
As the celebs change in the locker room and they get the first clue that they’ll be split up by gender, Brat doodles on a poster of Harvey that’s hanging up. Everyone takes their turn with it and eventually we have this:
He really does love Ross, though. You can just tell. More on that in a second.
Harvey comes along, banging a garbage can because he isn’t menacing enough by himself.
He is not amused by the artistic rendering of him. Oh, get a sense of humor, Jowls. Da Brat virtually immediately starts giving him attitude.
Again, sassy. Da Brat is sort of fearless. She’d make a good Pussycat Doll. She goes back and forth with Harvey about not very much at all in particular. Seriously, the proportion of her resistance to what there is to resist to in the first place is more off-balanced than a scale holding last season’s Fit Club celebs on one side, and this season’s on another. It’s kinda svelte this time around. Just sayin’! Anyway, Da Brat threatens to go, but she doesn’t because, duh, she signed up for a reality show. She just likes to live up to her name and, actually, it’s kind of cute.
Then, there are events. That’s why they’re in the arena. They are rather dry, so let’s just be results-oriented instead of descriptive, shall we?
Oh, during the quarter-mile, Brat flips off Harvey, with both hands this time.
Let’s hope she finds a way to work her expressive fingers into every episodes.
After Fit Camp, we’re swept into the weigh-in/group-therapy room that we all know and love. Awww. It feels like home. No, no. Wait. Even better: it feels like returning to the womb. Missed ya, Fit Club!
Ant is back.
So is Dr. Ian…
And, of course, Harvey.
He loves his job.
New to this season is this woman:
Fun fact: Stacy Kaiser is a psychotherapist by day and welder by night. (Doesn’t she look like Jennnifer Beals for real, though?)
And then, the celebs take a trip down Weight Struggle Lane. It’s a lumbering trip that requires many stops to catch breath, but a trip nonetheless.
First up is Tiffany.
Tiffany is a former teen-pop star who made malls in the ’80s that much more notable by touring in them. She was like an uber-’80s teen. She had struggles — estrangement from her mother during the peak of her career, as well as alcoholism in her family. She had fame. She had a spread in Playboy in 2002. Now her thighs rub together, and her goal is to shrink them down so that they don’t anymore. Noble. Tiffany’s immediate weight-loss goal is to lose 4 lbs. by next session. Here are her stats:
Next up is Ross the intern, who holds his hand out has he steps on the scale because he’s dainty.
Ross has had a gym membership for three years and has been to the gym about 8 times. Well, it’s the thought that counts. Harvey asks him about his work-out regimen and Ross says it begins and ends with checking the mail. Ha! Ross is fun. Talking more about his struggle with his size, Ross squeals, "It hurts to sit! When you reach for the food it hurts, and that’s never a good sign." Seriously. Harvey says that Ross is a firecracker. Looks like someone has a mancrush! Ross is to lose 4 lbs. by next time. Here are his stats:
Then, Kimberley’s turn. Former American Idol contestant and pop songstress Kimberley is from the South and didn’t know that she had a weight problem until she came to Hollywood. Apparently, scales are exclusive to the West Coast. Kimberley loves pizza and fears that she may be addicted to it. Exhibiting her first bit of awesomeness for this episode, Stacy says, "I wanna tell you something really serious. You do have an addiction to pizza." Couldn’t be worse than being addicted to reality TV, right? Dustin finds Stacy’s statement hilarious and openly mocks it, telling Kimberley to go back to the pizza. Nice guy! Kim’s target for next week is 5 lbs.
When asked about his heckling, Dustin says, "I don’t believe that pizza can be an addiction, but I also am different than most people because I battle with truth and logic, therefore I can never be wrong." Wow. Really makes you want to rip into a conversation with him, right?
Dustin’s getting-to-know-you video is notable for a few reasons. The first is that he talks about his sex tape. Well, more specifically, he talks about not wanting to talk about his sex tape. So does that fall under the truth or logic category?
The second is this:
Which is hotter: Dustin or the ghoul in the background?
Dustin also reveals that, "I wanna be the first person to figure out for the entire world how to eat crap and be healthy."
Logical!
Dustin has already offended everyone on the panel. Dr. Ian challenges the "truth and logic" proclamation. Harvey suggests that Dustin go ahead with his plan and break the mold: try, just try to lose weight without dieting. As Dustin rambles, Stacy in a stroke of supreme awesomeness says tells Dustin to go like this…
…and then go like this…
Ha! That’s so much fancier than saying, "SHUT UP!" Stacy is classy. Somewhere in Dustin’s time in front of the panel, he makes fun of Kimberley for not winning American Idol. Whatever, dude. You didn’t win Saved By the Bell. Did you get to appear in Showgirls after? Nooooooo. Then, you lost.
Dustin is to lose 5 lbs. by next time. Yeah right.
Next up is Maureen McCormick. You may recognize her as Marcia (Marcia! Marcia!) from The Brady Bunch. Maureen, now 50, was rocking a killer bod up until a few years ago, when her mother died and she had to assume the responsibility of taking care of her disabled brother. Ergo:
Sad. But she’s here to kick her ass’s ass and get over her love of sweets. Maureen’s goal for next time is to lose 4 lbs.
And then there is g-funk rapper Warren G. Fatherhood has expanded his gut.
Dude, how ’bout not wearing shirts like that, then?
In his video detailing his weight struggle, Warren G’s wife gives her moderately bellied husband the side eye.
She’s sick of his flab, and Tennile does not look like someone you want to cross. He’s probably on this show just out of fear. More Tennile! More Tennile! Warren’s target for next time is 5 lbs.
Then there’s Cledus T. Judd, country music parodist (think Weird Al with a twang). At one point, Cledus weighed close to 300 lbs. He also was a methhead. And then he became virtually anorexic, subsisting for months on blueberries and milk. Ah, the Booberry diet. How ghastly. Anyway, Cledus wants to lose his remaining weight in a healthy way because he has a daughter.
With his historied past, zest for life ("I’ll be pissed when I die") and human-interest angle, Cledus just might be the most fascinating person in this cast. His goal for next time is 4 lbs.
Finally, there is Da Brat. Her video is amazing, as it features pictures of her brattily mugging for the camera.
Also, we see her talking about her ass (it’s big, she says) and eating. "A meal ain’t a meal without butter poured on it," she says and then burps. When did she become Homer Simpson? Anyway, she’s adorable and, for sure, a woman after our own clogged arteries. She spars with Harvey a bit when in front of the panel, and it’s clear that her ‘tude at the beginning of the episode was just to assert her dominance over the military man. Yeah, good luck with that one. Still, she gets a few digs in: she tells Harvey he looks fatter on TV than in person and that he’s going to wrinkle if he keeps frowning like he does. Kimberley concurs. Harvey gives them a quick smile in response.
Careful, you might pull a muscle, Harv.
Now that we’ve gotten to know our celebs, it’s time for them to hop on the giant scales outside.
Then the scales are calibrated, so that the teams are at equal levels on the scale. This way, the teams’ weightloss can be compared visually. But what this really means is if these boys and girls want to play see-saw, it’s going to require a lot of effort. Sucks!
