Pussycap: lolasia

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This is such crap. In fact, it’s a big bunch of pussycrap.

On top of not being the best singer (that was Chelsea) or the best all-around package (that was Melissa R) or the cutest (that was…well, anyone else), here’s the main reason why Asia should not have been chosen to be America’s Next Top Peentease:

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She does not know what to do with her mouth, and now she’s going to get paid to open it. Wack!

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She is alien-esque.

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And when she tilts her head back and opens her mouth like she does in so many shots above, she isn’t being soulful. She’s just hungry.

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You know she’d get all huffy and be like, "Next time, chew up some French fries to spit in my mouth, before I been smack you in your face."

Even though she hustled last week, Asia should not have won. Anyone would have been a better choice. Even Robin. Even Kim. Even Mikey. Even a feather boa draped over a stool would have been a better choice. ANYONE.

Anyway, at the start of the episode, Nicole Scherzinger reminds us and the remaining girls (whom she addresses as "Dolls" even though they only wish they could achieve such prestigious status) that only one of them will be the next Pussycat Doll.

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Only one. Got that? One. It’s a hard concept to wrap your head around, even this late in the game, so I’ll remind you again: one.

The girls convene with Robin. For their final performance, they will sing "Lady Marmalade" together and perform PCD songs as solos. Asia will sing "I Don’t Need a Man," Melissa R. will sing "Stickwitu" and Chelsea will sing "Feelin’ Good." Asia is intimidated because Ron Fair produced the Moulin Rouge remake of "Lady Marmalade" and "he is one of my tougher critics." Girl, if only you knew. Ron’s a…well, a pussycat, compared to all of your Internet critics.

The girls practice. Chelsea says that Asia has been straining and, "She looks like she’s suffering." Everyday without chewed up worms is a day of suffering for Asia. Melissa R. says that since Day 1, Asia has been her competition. Since Day 1, everyone has been your competition. And I’m including "your communicative skills" when I say "everyone."

After practice the girls sit around and Melissa R. wonders if she sounded bad during practice. "Don’t ax me," says Asia. Can I ax you Asia? I’ll be quick and it won’t hurt a bit. Chelsea and Melissa crack up in her face when Asia says this. Her bitchiness and pronunciation are cartoonish, which is further proven by the fact that, as Melissa S points out, Asia says "revvy" instead of "very." Is she Elmer Fudd? More laughing at Asia’s expense occurs.

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Then, there is dinner, which Melissa calls "elegant."

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Oooh, bamboo, candles and fairy lights. Apparently, a part of finding your inner Doll is learning how to confuse elegant with tacky. Makes sense, considering the job uniform! At dinner, we come to learn that Asia thinks the other girls are fake because they weren’t sad to see Melissa S. go. In fact, Melissa R. said that Melissa S. was getting on her nerves! Scandal! And you know, Asia is so easy-going and warm that you can tell that nothing gets on her nerves ever.

Except when it does, because…

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Melissa and Asia get into it in the wee hours of the morning. Melissa wants the whole "fake" ordeal settled, while Asia is standing firm. At one point, Asia inexplicably exclaims, "Don’t judge me!" Dude, you judged Melissa when you called her "fake." Judging is the name of the game, as set by you! Melissa tells Asia that she needs to go to anger management and Asia replies, "You need to feakin’ go to psychology and find out who the f*** you are." How ’bout we all just go back to kindergarten so we can start learning our words anew? Melissa tells Asia to go be with her kid. Ha! You know that’s going to get Asia. Asia threatens Melissa with violence. Seriously, why go there? What a jerkmouth.

The next day in rehearsal, Mikey can tell that something’s up when Asia acts all icy. He asks what went down and the girls eagerly launch into a sequel of their night-cam fight.

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Mikey says he is uninterested. Like you haven’t been there, girl. Drama is practically carved into your impressively thin facial hair.

Anyway, the best part of this is that Asia recounts how Melissa told her to "shut the f***" up, and her mouth his blurred on "f***."

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No joke: mouthlessness does wonders for Asia’s beauty.

Asia ends up apologizing for the bitchfest, which is actually pretty big of her. Asia is a weird bird. And perhaps, fake.

Robin comes in and sees that the girls aren’t up to par. She gets totally nasty, tearing up Chelsea’s lyric sheet…

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…and shooting nasty looks everywhere…

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After she hears the girls perform, she tells them that not one of them is ready.

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How tragic! What will happen? Perhaps Robin will decide that none of them should be Pussycat Dolls because, hey, six girls in one group is enough and America only knows the name of one of them and even with her, most of us don’t know how to pronounce it (seriously, when I say Nicole’s name, I usually just say some variation of, "Nicole Shcerlkdfaslkfsjdflskdjfksl").

It’s time to move out of the house.

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Those aren’t crocodile tears. They’re pussycat tears. Similar, except pinker and liable to carry social diseases.

And then, it is time for the performances. Before the girls perform Robin tells them, "I truly believe that you have found your inner Doll." Too bad that two of the girls will have to have them removed in a costly process that’s a cross between a labatomy and female circumcision.

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Then, the girls do their "Lady Marmalade" thing.

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It involves so much squatting, it might as well be an ’80s aerobics video. Up and down and up and down. It’s practically a Catholic mass, except, you know, slutty.

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After the performance, Robin says, "I could start a girl group right here with these three, right now. You all look like the true meaning of a Pussycat Doll." What happened to, "Not one of you are ready?" Fake!

Then, the girls prepare for their solos.

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Lady, no matter how much you paint those teeth, they’re still going to terrorize anyone who crosses their path.

Then, the girls perform. Since the songs are seriously terrible (except for "Stickwitu," which is rather nice) and nothing exciting happens till end of them, anyway, I’m just posting the last 30 seconds of each. Believe me, it’s for your own good.

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Chelsea "Feelin’ Good"

Overall, Chelsea gets good marks. Ron says it wasn’t as great as he was hoping for, but it was still good. Lil’ Kim says Chelsea put her in the mood. Oh please. The microphone put Kim in the mood.

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Asia "I Don’t Need a Man"

This song is so stupid coming from women who regularly sing in lingerie. It should be called "I Don’t Need a Man…Except, Yes I Do Because My Entire Career Is Based on Turning Them On With My Suggestive Hips and Cleavage." Asia has "star qualities" according to Kim.

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Melissa R. "Stickwitu"

Melissa, apparently, has a good ear. Not noted is the fact that her rack is much better.

And then, it’s time for deliberations. While she waits Asia proves that she’s such a feakin’ lady.

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That water is now tainted

The judges go over the girls. Chelsea sings well, but she isn’t a good dancer. Chelsea can learn. Melissa R. is good but not going to win so they can’t be shown saying the kind things she deserves (the "R" stands for "robbed!"). Asia is called a star. If by "star" they mean "woman able to fade into the background as she lip syncs," they still aren’t right.

And then, the announcements. Chelsea will not be the next Pussycat Doll.

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Pangs. Bangs.

However, Asia will be. Her reaction is kind of sweet.

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And then…

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…not so much.

Mark McGrath takes Asia’s boa and puts it on as he announces that the Pussycat Dolls will perform with Asia for the first time.

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It would seem that even he has found his inner Pussycat Doll. Something tells me that it wasn’t difficult.

They perform (what else?) "Don’t Cha."

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Nicole Shcdfklasdjfwelkjerklfjasd;k calls Asia "baby girl" a few times as they perform. If only she would have called her "baby bird."

Look at how happy Asia looks.

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You can tell she’s happy when her mouth is open at that angle. She’s such a star. You got the worm, baby!

Oh, and slipped in right before the episode’s final segment was an ad to apply to be the next Pussycat Doll via another show, no doubt. Yay, Season 2! Either Asia didn’t work out, or the Pussycat Dolls are going to expand like the Brangelina clan. They’ll probably be just as consciously diverse, too.

Hopefully, at least Kim will be back for Season 2.

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Talk about a mouth!

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