Charm School Recap – Episode 3 – Jennifer Is Toast(eee)

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Last week, we had a panty party. This week, it’s a boob bash.

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Raising the bar each and every week!

At the start of the episode, the girls get a bulletin from Mo’Nique Video_icon: they have an hour to get ready and are told to dress to impress. Well, that should be impossible! Schatar wonders if she should do business couture or evening couture. Note that her choice to use the word "couture" conflicts with what she carries it in: a pink nylon suitcase.

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Suddenly, the state of her weave that cost "thousands and thousands" of dollars makes sense. Is that any way to treat couture?

While Cristal shakes her derriere (most likely not in the House of Dereon)…

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…Saaphyri wears an outfit that is, in a word: perilous.

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It’s always the right one that gives you a hard time, you know?

Once ready, the girls take their places downstairs.

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Apparently, Schatar went for the evening wear. Unless her business is being a mermaid. Which: maybe.

This week’s commandment is:

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Saaphyri’s dress that teeters on the brink of obscenity just happens to fall in line with the lesson. "…Since they are there, I am working with those," she says in reference to her bodacious tatas. Too bad they aren’t working with you. Or for you, even. Those pups could run a dog-walking business on the side without ever interfering with Saaphyri’s day-to-day.

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The girls will receive a style lesson from Mikki Taylor and this guy:

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He styles Mo’Nique, so, uh, no jokes about Snelly.

Becky is called out for having a distinct look.

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She points out that skulls are trendy. Forgive her, fashionistas: this show was filmed a few months ago. Becky explains her approach to style: "I don’t dress like a slut. I dress more like a slot machine. Slot. Slut. Very different." Not in Vegas they aren’t!

And then there is the most reliable guffaw-fest since Hee-Haw, Schatar:

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You’ll be shocked to know that Schatar is also praised for having personal style. It’s personal because no one else wants it. Mikki says that Schatar always knows what works for her. What could that possibly mean, keeping in mind the concept of logic? Drugs?

Schatar’s lopsided breasts are a smash with SaaphyriVideo_icon.

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Saaphyri’s tig old bits are noteworthy in their own right, but hey, at least they’re even. Darra is more outraged at the transgressions committed by Schatar’s girls.

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"One is like this big, and the other is like this big hangin’ out the side! That’s a big t**** girl no-no!" It’s Commandment 4.5: Though Shalt Work Only Proportionate Bosom, Or Don’t Work At All.

Then, it’s Saaphyri’s turn.

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"My style is inspired by brokeness. I don’t have a lot of money, but I have a lot of boobs. I guess some people might say it’s a little cheap, but hey, what the hell!" That’s the spirit! Saaphyri seems like a of fun. She’d probably let you pose with those boobs on your head for pictures, a la Annie Sprinkle. If Saaphyri charged for those shots, then she’d be able to upgrade her wardrobe and be inspired by money, too. Do it, do it!

Then Mikki talks to the girls about couture, which she calls, "a near art form" of fashion and "a vision in loveliness." Lady, who are you trying to fool? We already spent minutes gawking at Schatar’s outfit and hair, Saaphyri’s boobs and Cristal’s butt. We know all we need to about visions in loveliness.

The girls get their assignment for the week: they must split up into two groups and design and show and couture outfit in a fashion show. Since there are 11 girls, one of them must be a judge, who will have immunity this week. Free immunity is like free cone day at Ben & Jerry’s. Expect a line to form and much shoving. Case and point:

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If you were to plop an ice cream cone in front of Larissa’s face, she’d be able to lick it evenly without even turning it, what with all the swaying. That invisible ice cream’s so good, it makes her body rock. She’s kind of amazing. She throws a fit over the judging decision. But that’s to be expected: Larissa probably throws a fit over Judge Judy’s decisions. While the other girls carry on, Saaphyri assembles her team.

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Saaphyri ends up asking Schatar to work with her. This may seem like a mistake, but Saaphyri notes, "You always need a shiesty person on your team." It’s a little cheap, but hey, what the hell!

Somewhere in the middle of the mayhem, it’s decided that Courtney will be the judge.

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Someone takes issue with the fact that Courtney is best friends with Brooke and thus will be more likely to allow Brooke’s team to win, which will tip the scales…OH SHUT UP ALREADY.

The teams are, as follows: On the first are Saaphyri, Schatar, Shay, Larissa and Leilene. On the second are Cristal, Brooke, Darra, Becky and Jennifer. The girls decide their roles: Leilene will be the model, Saaphyri will do the makeup, Larissa will do the hair and Schatar and Shay will design the garment. On the other team, Cristal will do makeup, Brooke will to the hair, and Becky and Jennifer will be the designers. That leaves Darra as the model:

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Also: because they can get sympathy from fellow big girl Mo’Nique. Oh yeah, because pandering is the new pink. These girls try to pull a fast one and they end up pulling their fashion muscle.

The designing gets underway. Leilene announces that she wants to be "sexy, but subtle sexy." Here is what she means by that:

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So by "subtle" she means "as close as humanly possible to having exposed genitalia." Got it. Also, it should be noted that this dress seems to be directly inspired by the Showgirls poster. Perhaps it is a Versayce.

And then, planning on the dress that Darra will wear begins. Here’s where things fall apart:

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Bad idea! Here’s a worse idea:

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Making Darra’s dress out of curtains! They should leave the rod in. At least she’d get the laugh.

To Darra’s credit, however…

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…she’s mobile. She’s like the Duchess of Bazooms. Her dress should have one of those contraptions that makes the bust line fall down and then back into place quickly, should she work her back the right way.

Sadly, there’s nothing that exciting to be had:

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Not even feathers on toenails can redeem this.

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But really: feathers on toenails? Why? It doesn’t happen often, but it’s always strange when a woman wants to extend her toenails. Your style icon has to be a sloth, or like, Coko from SWV, for you to think that’s appropriate.

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Not as pretty as the symmetry of your top-ass, Cristal.

More toiling happens with the other team, but it isn’t really that interesting because they have everything together. Even Schatar’s attempt at spying on the other team becomes a nonevent. Harriet she is not.

As Darra’s team works to make her look as frumpy and messy as possible, Jennifer seems to fade into the background. Smart girl! Becky notes, "Jennifer has contributed to the dress by going and smoking. I thought that was good because she dresses horribly."

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Foreshadowing!

Then, it’s time to prepare for the event. This means, apparently, mummifying Darra:

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Apparently, she needs to be taped up like this to fit in the dress. The dress is curtains! Basically what they’re saying is, "Sidle up your girdle, Darra: time to jump in the garbage bag!" Nonetheless, it is nice to be acquainted with the charms of Darra’s butt.

Then, it’s time for the show to begin. Schatar introduces her team as dramatically as possible, saying their design was "inspired by an entire continent."

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The dress may be inspired by a continent (Asia, apparently), but Schatar’s intro is most likely inspired by Life Goes On.

Leilene models the dress and she’s hot!

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Her transformation is actually amazing. Who knew she was so poised? That sling must have done wonders for her posture.

And then…

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Warning! Warning! Disaster is about to strike, and it’s walking on air (per Becky’s description of the garment). Hurricane Darra is…here Video_icon!

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Note that there is hair hanging from her belt. Hair.

Mo’Nique’s reaction is on point:

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"Oh my God! What is that?" Note that her voice raises an octave on "that," flaming fashion-boi style. The better to Project Runway you with!

Darra’s walk no longer feels set on a runway, but on a plank.

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You know, Darra’s a big girl, but she’s an attractive big girl. She has nice features and good skin and lovely natural hair. Unfortunately, this dress suggests she belongs in an Easter basket. Has this dress been given the Hallmark Gold Crown of approval? Better yet, is it brought to you by the viewers of PBS? Larissa’s description is amazing: "Darra looked like a f***in’ chocolate-ass Big Bird."

The teams then convene on the runway for judgment:

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Apparently, the color and pattern of Leilene’s dress is supposed to represent koi fish. Maybe if they bred with cheetahs. And speaking of the Cheetah, Leilene gives insight into her masterful performance on the runway: "If you have a stripper background, you can look so much more graceful than anybody." Young girls of America looking to up your poise, have we got a job for you!

Basically, the judges love Leilene’s outfit and they hate Darra’s. What’s really heartbreaking is that all the criticism of the dress brings Darra to tears.

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Careful! You’ll cry the glue out. The only thing worse than being a chocolate-ass Big Bird is being a plucked Chocolate-ass Big Bird.

The judges just hate everything about this, including its unflattering back and inexplicable hair. Really: who wants more fake hair to tend to? These girls are always complicating their own lives. Cristal is called out for not being the model: this was her chance! Jennifer is specifically asked about her role in all this and has virtually nothing to say. Darra in an interview filmed later that proves that she got her spirit back right quick says, "Jennifer didn’t even answer the damn question. Maybe she need to take them fingers out her damn p**** and put ‘em in her ears and let the wax out so she can hear some people sometimes." If Jennifer were to do that, though, she might get…other stuff in her ears.

The judges also pick up on the would-be sly move of having Darra be the model so as to appeal to Mo’s sympathy.

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"I am a big woman, and if y’all were gonna pick her and use her, she should have been absolutely…" starts Mo before Saaphyri interrupts with her baby voice: "Fierce." It’s seriously adorable. Mo doesn’t think so, and scolds Saaphyri saying, "I don’t need help!" C’mon, Mo. Everyone can use a little fierce in their life and vocab!

Needless to say, Leilene’s team wins. The decision rests entirely on Courtney’s shoulders, except, not really because even blind people are like, "Oh yeah. Leilene looks so much more fierce."

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And then, Cristalgate. Well, actually what happens isn’t such a big scandal. We’ll call it Cristalite. Cristal decides she needs to explain what went down to Mo. So she makes the same mistake that Thela did in the first episode and calls a one-on-one:

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No weed this time, though. Sucks! Basically, Cristal tells Mo’ that she messed up by not being the model, but that she had nothing to do with the design of the dress. Lies! And also: way to endear yourself by shrinking from responsibility. The judges will love that. Fab idea.

And then begins a game of Whisper Down the Lane. Er, make that Whisper Down the Gutter. Cristal tells Brooke of her meeting with Mo. Brooke, in turn, tells Jennifer…

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…who confronts Cristal…

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…who, apparently, at some point was overheard by Darra because she, then, informs Becky.

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Reality TV: the chance to get back in touch with your childhood nonsense.

Anyway, at judging, the Bottom 3 is no surprise:

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Cristal was dumb for not following her vain heart and being the model. Jennifer did nothing (Keith calls her "the most pathetic"). Becky needs to be down there because the dress was that bad. Becky admits that she messed up and was stupid to follow Cristal’s guidance and, in a Charm School first, is sent back. She is safe this week. This means that the elimination comes down to Cristal and Jennifer. And it’s…

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Jennifer Video_icon. Aw. She looks so sad and confused. Kinda like Diane Lane at the end of Unfaithful. Or maybe just Diane Lane, period.

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