Celebrity Fit Club: Men Vs. Women Recap – Episode 2 – Screeching for dinner

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Puh-lease to not get him started!

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Oh well. Too late.

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This week’s Fit Camp challenge requires the teams to trek through 3.3 miles of rough terrain. There are twists, there are turns.

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There are also paths leading to dead ends and two mini-challenges that the celebs must face. But no ditches to push Dustin into. Sadness.

The teams will be playing for this…

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Oh nice, exercise equipment as a reward for…exercise. Isn’t this "reward" kind of like waiting in a roller-coaster sized line to wait in line?

The hike begins, the teams face challenges.

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The teams also, apparently, face the Blair Witch.

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Remember how the gist of that movie was like, "Oooooh, a pile of stones…scary! Oh no! Some strategically arranged twigs…shocking!"? The above shot had you crapping in your pants. Admit it.

Anyway, the girls get off-course for a bit, which gives the guys the chance to swoop in and take the lead. The men win. In addition to the equipment, they get dinner cooked by the women.

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Not that the women wouldn’t have done this anyway, what with their biological predisposition and all. You know women: can’t keep ‘em out of the kitchen! (So so kidding!)

As everyone eats, Dustin brings up a topic sure to enhance any meal: his sex tape.

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You know what? The very thought of Screech engaging in nasty porno sex should be enough to shut down everyone’s appetite. Easiest diet ever! Dustin is a boon to this competition, it’s just that no one realizes it yet.

He talks and talks (a lot, in fact, for someone who’s said countless times that he doesn’t want to talk about it) and it becomes so tiresome. Like, you could have lived and died happily without having to face the fact that Dustin is "packing heat," right? Cledus attempts to change the subject politely, while Da Brat just mocks Dustin to his face.

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Dustin finds this offensive and can’t believe that no one wants to talk about his porn. It’s porn, dude. Talking about it isn’t what it’s good for! It’s not personal! It’s also noted that people don’t really care about what Dustin has to say because of his foul behavior during last episode’s weigh-in. Kimberley said that Dustin left a "bad taste in everyone’s mouth." He gave his fellow celebs a virtual dirty sanchez, if you will.

Back at the cabin (Fit Camp is an overnight outing this time out, see), Dustin complains to Maureen about his fellow celebs not really caring about what he has to say. He feels bashed and disrespected. Does this guy really think that he can walk in and insult people and make ridiculous proclamations about weight loss and that everyone, in return, will kiss his ass? Dustin looks as idiotic as his sentiment:

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Dustin says Kim is "barking with the big dogs and she’s not a big dog." Maureen says, "But none of us are big dogs!" Whenever you get a flash of that kind of self-awareness from these types, it’s like a wind of change. And they didn’t have to travel through Gorky Park or anything!

Meanwhile Ross, is listening in and he diligently reports back to his other team members:

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"OK, so I don’t really like gossip…" is how he prefaces himself. Oh yeah, Ross. You hate gossip like Liberace hated Swarovski.

Back at the Screeching room, Dustin says that he feels like Cledus doesn’t care if he stays or goes. Cledus enters the room and Maureen suggests they talk. Dustin says he won’t be forced into conversations. He’d rather just play the persecution game, solitaire style. Seriously, Dustin: SHUT UP. Cledus calls out Dustin for advising people not to lose weight on purpose, because that would end up equaling more TV time. Dustin says that’s not what he said. Cledus and Maureen both ask, "Then what did you say?" Dustin asks, "What is this, a lecture?" No, son, it’s an interrogation. Answer!

He does not.

Then, it’s time for the weigh-ins. Ant massages even more drama out of the situation by asking Brat to recount what happened at dinner. Brat explains, "He wanted to tell us he was King Kong long dong." Ant seems scandalized.

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He might even be frightened, which is weird, because Ant totally comes off as a size queen.

Anyway, the weigh-ins begin. Dustin the Unbearable is first.

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If you’ll recall, Dustin pledged last week to attempt to be the first person in the world "to eat crap and be healthy." To that end, it would seem that Dustin is succeeding. Damn it! Ian notes that Dustin’s food log is ridiculous — there’s no way someone could eat the way he’s claiming to, not work out and still drop 9 lbs. He wonders if his portion size was inaccurate. If we never have to hear about the size of Dustin’s anything, it will be too soon.

Oh, Dustin also bought his team a set of fleeces. That’s nice, although if he brought in sheep who could spin fleeces out of their wool themselves, it still wouldn’t make up for having to listen to him.

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Dustin’s target for next week is 5 lbs. Everyone else’s target for next week is Dustin.

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Then, the team names and captains are decided. The men will be called The Regulators (after Warren G’s hit single) and Warren will be the captain. The women will be called the Shady Lady Bunch and Kim will be the captain.

Kim, by the way, is up next:

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Nine pounds lost, and something gained: a boyfriend. There’s more man meat where that came from if you keep losing weight like that, Kim! Kim’s target for next week is 4 lbs.

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Next up is Ross, who, prior to CFC was anti-exercise. To help whip him into shape, Warren G took him boxing.

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What’s more hilarious — the look on Warren’s face in response to Ross’ attempt at looking rough, or his Martian shirt?

Anyway, Ross ends up doing pretty well for someone who thinks boxing gloves look like "Muppets."

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Ross steps on the scale.

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Yo, that’s insane. And apparently, it’s not going to stop anytime soon — Ross loves working out and says that he doesn’t get that "tingly" feeling when he skips a day. Careful, Ross. You’ll go blind if you do it too much.

Ross’ target weight-loss for next week is 4 lbs.

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Next up is Warren.

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Jeez, everyone’s losing so much weight that this is almost unexciting. Someone fail, already. Quick!

Warren recently found himself embroiled in temptation when some Cognac and chicken wings were before him.

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Warren resisted, but Dr. Ian points out that you’re allowed to have the things you like, just in moderation. Ian says that Warren could have had the fried chicken without the skin. Oh, then what would be the point? For real!

Warren’s target for next week is 4 lbs.

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And then, there is Maureen, whom everyone has taken to calling "Mo." Nice. That’s what she’ll be known as here, as it’s quicker to type.

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We’ll tell you how Mo didn’t lose the weight: bulimia. That, apparently, has been left in her past, though earlier in her life, for about 10 years, starting when she was a teenager, Mo struggled with the disease.

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Her retelling of results in far fewer tears spilled than when she talked about it recently on The Insider. Just saying!

Mo’s goal for next week is 4 lbs.

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Next up is Tiffany.

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Dr. Ian notes Tiffany’s lack of enthusiasm over her loss. "I was hoping for more," she says. OK, crazy lady. Tiffany won’t be happy till she’s see-through. Ian can’t believe that she’s unhappy with losing 9 lbs.

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Boxing gloves may look like Muppets, but this dude is straight-up Gonzo.

Tiffany’s goal for next week is 4 lbs.

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Cledus’s turn is next.

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Losing 12 lbs. is great, but Cledus’ eyeglasses are what’s truly fantastic.

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Because Cledus has a fear of grocery shopping, Stacy thought that it would be a good idea to take him and allow him to confront his fear. Makes sense.

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The act of picking out a salad dressing is difficult for Cledus. You might even say it’s disdressing. Anyway, Cledus makes it through OK and, when they’re done, says he wants to go back in. Slow your roll, there, buddy, before you become a shopaholic. One compulsion to the next, you know?

Cledus’ goal for next time is 4 lbs.

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Finally, there is Brat.

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Brat explains that her new, bean-rich diet made her gassy. She even demonstrates visually:

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Yeah. Guess who’s not coming to dinner? Brat also rants about Dustin, saying his eat-junk-food-loose-weight philosophy is a bunch of crap.

Brat’s goal for next week is 5 lbs.

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Before the team weigh-in, Dustin starts up again about how no one wants to listen to him. Dustin get the hint and SHUT UP. Try out life as a people-pleaser. Dustin’s words are this tiresome:

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Brat points out to Dustin that they aren’t there for TV and that he looks like an a****** on it. Succinct! This leads to a rant from Dustin in the form of an individual interview, in which he rags on Kimberley for losing American Idol, Da Brat for being "gangsta" and Cledus for his supermarket phobia. Compassion.

Then, it’s time for the final weigh-ins.

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It would seem that the men are in the lead, except that this season, they’ll be judged not on weight lost but percentage of weight lost. This means the girls actually take it:

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How slick to change things up like that! Oh, Fit Club! What will you think of next?

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