Yes, Kimberley. That’s exactly what it is.
This week’s Fit Camp takes place on the water:
The celebs are informed that they will be kayaking in one-one-one match races. The team that wins the most out of four heats wins the match. As you can see, Tiffany is thrilled with the prospect of being out on the water:
Lady, you signed up for this!
The women’s team will get a head start that’s based on averages of women’s Olympic kayaking times versus men’s. This makes Brat happy:
She’s most happy because chivalry isn’t dead.
The teams get great incentive to win (besides, you know, that fitness stuff): a trip to Hawaii, the land of Macadamia nuts and stocky men in grass skirts. Try keeping the weight off there, stars!
The celebs begin their kayaking practice. As they do, Dustin sees Kim and says that her wetsuit helps her jiggle.
Is there a wetsuit to keep his jaw from jiggling?
The races begin and are exciting, if brief. Here’s the breakdown:
Maureen vs. Warren: Warren wins
Tiffany vs. Ross: Ross wins
Kim vs. Dustin: Kim wins
Brat vs. Cledus: Brat
Mo takes her loss particularly hard.
Whoa. You mad, huh?
Because the split is even, with two men and two women winning, a tie-breaker round is called. It’s a rematch between Mo and Warren G. Despite an early lead and valiant effort, Mo loses again to Warren.
He mounted up that kayak good.
Then, it’s time for the weigh-ins aka the Dustin Could You Shut Up Please segment of our show.
Before the weigh-ins, Ant brings up Fit Camp and how broken-up Mo was about losing. We find out that Cledus has an announcement to make: he’s going to give his trip to Mo. Mo is stoked.
Last week’s weigh-in was record-breaking for Celebrity Fit Club with 85 lbs. lost. Let’s see if they can do it again. And again and again until they are literally transparent! First up is Mo, who, with 12 percent of her starting body weight already lost, is in first place.
This means that, on just the third episode, she’s breathing down the neck of her original goal of 125 lbs. Ian asks her if she’d like to up her goal further and she would: 118 is Mo’s new goal. Stacy asks Mo why she still has such sad eyes about losing the challenge. Mo explains that she’s a perfectionist. Lies. She just wanted to get leied. Her target for next time is 3 lbs.
Next up is Ross, who’s in second place in the percentage-of-body-weight-loss race:
Ian explains that after Ross lost 15 lbs. last time, he shocked his system — his body doesn’t want to lose more weight. Well, if it won’t behave, then send it to bed without supper! On second thought, don’t do that: it might mess up its metabolism. Ross also reveals that he’s been weighing himself like crazy — he took three different scales out of their boxes at a store to get an accurate reading. Ross, apparently, has more time on his hands than meat on his thighs.
Ross has something of a problem with motivation, so the CFC crew devised a cutesy plan to keep him going at the gym: a portable Harvey.
In podcast fashion, Harvey barks workout orders at Ross via Ross’ iPod. At one point, Harvey says, "Pretend I’m behind you with 100 German shepherds ready to eat your ass." Who’s eating what ass now? The possibly suggestive nature of this order just adds more support to the theory that Harvey is hardcore crushing on Ross.
And Ross loves it!
Ross’ goal for next time is 4 lbs.
Next up is Cledus. Before they can get to crunching numbers, Dr. Ian mentions Cledus’ pink glasses.
They are way distracting. Or in this case, weight distracting. Cledus finally gets on the scale:
So light, he can fly!
Except no he can’t because we come to find that he actually has a fear of flying, developed from a near-death experience he had in a plane. This fear is the reason he gave his Hawaii trip to Maureen. And here we thought he was just a nice guy. Anyway, this fear also prevents Cledus from seeing his daughter as often as he’d like. Because of this, Cledus tears up again:
Poor guy. He really does seem like a great dad.
Cledus’ target for next time is 4 lbs.
And then, there is Dustin. Or should we call him Screeyotch? The celebs are shown a clip of Dustin trashing many of them from last episode, which they didn’t previously know about.
As he watches himself make fun of Kimberely’s career, Brat’s attitude and Cledus’ fears, he laughs.
At least someone finds him entertaining.
Ant asks Kimberley what her response is to being called a big girl and American Idol loser by Dustin. Kim initially takes the higher road and refuses to dignify his words.
Dustin says he often feels attacked. Dude, you’re counter-attacked. You brought this all on yourself. He cites Da Brat’s proclamation that she just doesn’t like him. "I don’t give two squirts of duck s***, so, whatever," is Da Brat’s response. That’s the spirit!
Cledus is even less composed.
He’s mad because just yesterday, during the Fit Camp challenge, Dustin was totally nice and a real team player. Finding out about all this prior trash talk infuriates Cledus. It infuriates him so much, in fact, that he says he’d be willing to hit Dustin and spend 10 days in jail for the satisfaction of it all. Seems like a fair trade-off. Dustin gleefully says that he’s going to call his lawyer. He’s enjoying this whole thing. Apparently, he has a naughty three-year-old’s philosophy when it comes to getting attention.
Dustin’s flip-flopping, in turn, flips Kimberley out:
"You low down, and that’s the bottom line," she says. She brings up the fact that he’s a child star with a porn tape who’s selling T-shirts to pay for his house. "That’s a loser." Could anyone argue with that, really?
The smoke clears and it’s time for Dustin’s weigh-in.
To this, he says: "I don’t believe that." He’s obviously never seen this show before: the scales don’t lie! Ian says that he wonders if Dustin is even worth their time. We’re then treated to a video of Dustin eating like a pig before some gig.
Apparently, this is fine; the scale is the one with the problem. During the video Dustin says, "I’m sure the doctor on the show is cringing." He doesn’t even know Dr. Ian’s first name? No respect, for real.
Despite this, Dr. Ian says he’s willing to wipe the slate clean for Dustin. If Dustin agrees to follow the program, they’ll continue to work with him and leave all justified resentment behind. Dustin doesn’t like when people treat him fairly, apparently, because he threatens to leave the show. Oh, we’re all torn up at the prospect. Stacy says that running away is what he always does. This isn’t true — if he ran so much, he wouldn’t need help with his weight. Harvey is so fed up with Dustin’s lip that when it’s his turn to chime in, he tells Dustin, "You are full of more s*** than a hoghouse in the South, man." Ha. A wonderful metaphor considering Dustin’s piggish eating habits. Dustin says he didn’t come here for this and takes off his mic.
OMG, just leave then!
…except not really, because he makes this big, slow-moving show out of leaving. As he leaves, Harvey and Ant implore him not to quit. Once he’s out, Kim says, "I’m glad he’s gone." Ha! Kim is great.
Dustin calls someone to tell them that he’s leaving the show. Then comes Ant, begging him to stay…
…Ant is followed by Warren G, Ross and, eventually, Tiffany.
Let him go already! Dustin says he has no driver and no way home so he’ll sit out in the room for the rest of the show, and then he’s done. He knew all along he didn’t have a driver. This was just a ploy for attention. Seriously.
He comes back, much to any sensible person’s chagrin…
Because so much time was taken out to coddle Dustin, the rest of the weigh-ins are done lightning-round style:
And then, it’s time to hit the giant scales:
The women are still kicking butt. At the very end of the show, Dr. Ian gives Dustin his weight-loss target for next time: 5 lbs. So that means Dustin is coming back? Aw nuts!