In this episode, Dustin’s manhood makes Kimberley cry.
…but it’s not why you think. Probably.
This week’s Fit Camp won’t take place at a camp at all — it’s a indoor event, and with good reason:
Ross is ecstatic.
He is, after all, light in the loafers.
They’ll be instructed by this guy:
He’s kind of a big deal. While the celebs fumble around on the dance floor, Enio says to Ross, “You need a fruit basket on your head to do the samba.” Corroborating the light-in-the-loafers comment above, Ross replies, “Oh I have one!” Ross is awesome. Rossome, even.
And then, Mo steals away for some drinking.
Oh yeah, loosen up on that Patron, Mo, so you can really get down on the floor. This is totally cheating.
And then, it is time for the competition. It’ll be an old-school dance-off, in which the members will dance till they can’t dance no more. The last duo standing wins it for his or her team. Also, this week, the teams will be playing for $12,000 in children’s toys to donate to charity.
The dancing begins and it’s weird and sort of embarrassing but it mostly does the trick.
They go for a while…
…until, while drinking a bottle of water, Dustin stops to tell the camera that his clothes won’t be stained by the water he dripped on them. Uh, good to know? For stopping, Ant ejects him and his partner, Tiffany. Dustin comes close to blowing up, threatening to bring down the entire competition by “bailing.” “Bail” is such an AC Slater word, isn’t it, little mommas? Dustin isn’t alone in his outrage — Tiffany’s mad that they’re out, too. Dustin yammers on, eventually disrupting the entire competition. The judges are then forced to choose a winner based on technique, not endurance. Apparently, Cledus and Kimberley cut the most impressive rug because they are named the winning team.
Also apparent: dancing only seemed to foster their sexual tension. They’re all over each other! Their victory means that the Regulators get to donate the gifts to their charity. Except, it means more than that because, since it’s for kids, the Athletes will also get to donate $12,000 in gifts to their charity. Everyone wins! How oddly disappointing.
Then, the weigh-ins begin. Up first is Brat who has $300 riding on her weight loss. If she lost 8 lbs., she receives $100 from Ian, Ant and Harvey, per last week’s bet.
…and she did it! She happily collects the funds.
She says she’s going to buy jewelry. Just as long as it’s not Ring Pops and candy neckaces, Brat. Ian asks Brat why he had to pay her to lose weight, and she says that he didn’t — it was just the bet. Haha, sucker! The whole thing teases a smile out of Harvey.
A smile from Harvey is the Fit Club equivalent of Halley’s Comet — you see it, like, once every 75 years and it’s kind of icy. Brat’s target for next week is 2 lbs.
Then, there is Tiffany:
She’s pissed. She admits that she hasn’t been eating very much, and so, she thought that she would have lost some weight. Ian explains that when you don’t eat, you’re throwing your body into starvation mode, which is damaging to your metabolism. Tiffany resolves to eat, thank god. She also reiterates that she thinks Ant’s ejection of Dustin from the dance competition was “bulls***.” But she’s not screaming now, so apparently she’s over it. Tiffany’s goal for next time is 4 lbs.
And then, there is Cledus. Cledus, Ant reminds us, has gone through a variety of looks.
He is the Madonna of the country-music parodist set. His look continues to update as he is now sporting that new hair he mentioned cryptically last week.
Yet another $800 weave graces Celebreality.
Cledus weighs in.
When this show is over, what will be left of Cledus? A pair of wacky glasses and some fake hair if he keeps shrinking at the rate that he is. Ian reminds Cledus to “embrace the food.” He’ll do that, but don’t count on him to eat it. He says that he’s eaten chicken and broccoli for the past 40 days straight. How…boring. Ian says they’ll coordinate to have meals delivered so that he can get some variety in his diet. He’s OK with that, probably because it means that he won’t have to step foot into a grocery store. Cledus’ target for next week is 1 lb.
Maureen is up next:
It’s nice to see that she doesn’t have a hangover. Mo has lost 18.6 percent of her starting body weight. She’s also now below her original weight target of 125 lbs. No one in Fit Club history has lost weight this fast. But it’s not all celebrating — Stacy asks about Mo’s drinking. Mo says she had just a little.
Yeah, but it was a little at 11:30 in the morning! Plus, she looked kinda sauced. Whatever. Stacy asks if Mo’s turned to alcohol to help her cope through recent, previously described hardship. Mo has. She should have just told Stacy that she needed some fuel for her engine. Dancing is so much more effective with alcohol! Anyway, since Mo is under her target weight, she gets to pick her target for next week. She chooses 1 lb.
He thought he’d lose more as he’s been working hard. Except for the night before when he ate three cookies. Oops. He says this is cheating, but Stacy says that this is being human. No it’s not. It’s being Muppet. Warren G is Cookie Monster. His target for next time is 2 lbs.
Ross’ turn for weigh-in is next.
Ross has lost 15 percent of his body weight and is nipping at Mo’s heels. Like Mo, he’s now below his initial target. And he couldn’t be more sassy/happy!
He, too, gets to pick his own target for next time. He chooses 2 lbs.
And then, it’s time for Dustin to wreak his weekly havoc. We find out, via video of Mo complaining, that he had a donut at Fit Camp yesterday.
A donut! Scandal!
We see footage of Dustin complaining about his cast mates. “F*** ‘em in the ass,” he says at one point. Nice. Dustin brings up the fact that Mo cheated with vodka (“liquid calories”) and Warren did with cookies and no one complained. This is hypocrisy, according to Dustin. Ant brings up the fact that they’ve lost more weight than he has. Touché.
Dustin is weighed in and…
He’s gained 5 lbs.! Ian is astounded while Kimberley…
…thrilled. She mouths, “I love this,” to the camera. Throwing come com-petty all around the room!
Dustin explains that he was on tour and at Sundance since the last weigh-in and therefore could not monitor his diet since he’s so important and producers were buying him steak-and-lobster dinners left and right. Also, this meant he couldn’t meet with his trainer. Also, he doesn’t like the final target of 184 that was set for him because if you take 20 lbs. of this…
…it wouldn’t look good. Or something. Try it and see, Dustin! Ian nerdily produces a chart to show Dustin just how wrong he is.
Oh, Ian, don’t waste your breath. Dustin doesn’t deal in logic and reason. Oh, wait.
Ross says he’s disappointed in Dustin because Dustin just didn’t try. Dustin says that he did try, explaining that what he said before didn’t mean that he didn’t exercise at all or that he pigged out every night. Uh, actually, that’s exactly what it meant. Brat says that Dustin sounds “f***ing retarded,” and Dustin takes offense to her making fun of retarded people. Did he just call himself retarded?
He might as well have, for we then see footage of him at a porn convention, repping his “leaked” tape.
Dustin explains what he’s been explaining all season — that the tape caused a rift in his relationship with his girlfriend of four years, Jennifer. This is because the tape was filmed four years ago, after he’d gotten together with Jennifer. But this was all remedied with a conversation, in which Dustin informed Jennifer that at first, she was just “road ass,” at first. And their relationship blossomed from there. That is beautiful.
We see Dustin showing his penis off to a porn girl.
She seems impressed, which in turn, should impress us. Has anyone seen his sex tape and if so, can you please describe his penis in the comments? We’re curious, but, uh, not that curious. The porn-convention reel ends with Dustin saying that if he markets a dildo modeled after his own penis, he will give one to Kimberley. He then laughs at his own joke:
He goes on to tell Stacy that he’ll give her one, too. Special! Cledus leaves. And then Kimberley. And then , completing the rapid succession, Tiffany.
Backstage, Kimberley tells someone on the phone that he told her he was going to give her a dildo of his penis and she doesn’t like that. Well, a simple “No thank you” will suffice.
Back at panel, Dustin talks about how he’s not a porn star and everyone points out that if he wasn’t into being a porn star, he wouldn’t have been at a convention, marketing his porn. Touché: the revenge. Dustin says that he isn’t a porn star and asks if anyone even knows what that means. It’s kind of true: one film doesn’t make you a star. Just ask Toasteee. Ant then asks if he’ll admit that he’s a porn peddler and Dustin does. He’s a pornographer! Dustin says that it’s “retarded,” which would seem to be the sort of hypocrisy that he regularly rages against. Ant points this out and Dustin says, “When retarded people fall, it’s funny. It’s f***ing hilarious.” Be that as it may, Dustin’s losing the arm-wrestling match to truth and logic.
Mo, Brat and Warren all leave. The only person that’s left behind is Ross.
The mere act of turning around causes Dustin to bring up Ant’s call at yesterday’s dance off. Dustin says that he challenged Ant to physical combat and then challenges Harvey, which sets off the blow-up that you’ve seen a million times by now. If not, go here and watch it a million times because it’s awesome.
Harvey actually has to be consoled afterward.
Somewhere in there, we hear that Dustin’s target for next week is 3 lbs. If he lives that long!