Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: The lugubriously briny Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

"Ahoy Vey! After three hours adrift, you’ll beg for the plank." — The New York Post

"Pirates raises everything from the dead, except inspiration." — Rolling Stone

"Overloaded with extraneous characters and weighed down by muddled seafaring mythology." — USA Today

"[Pirates] is a lukewarm maelstrom of secret agendas, double crossings, tricky alliances, back stabbings, familial complications, romantic entanglements, political conspiracies, warring factions, hidden gods, cheeky monkeys, and excessive eyeliner — some of which is linked to events from the previous installments, some of which is freshly pulled out of the collective ass of director Gore Verbinski and writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, and none of which is the least bit captivating or, by and large, comprehensible." — The Village Voice

"The Pirates films, with their merry storm-tossed slapstick, their retro serial corniness, are a bit like the Indiana Jones films, only broader, sloppier, and longer. They make you feel like you’re at a Disney theme restaurant with too many enthusiastic waiters." — Entertainment Weekly