In this episode, this happens:
In less exciting news, Dustin is nowhere to be found for most of our show. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing…
If you’ll remember, last episode was to be continued and so it is. We pick up with everyone in shock over Dustin’s dildo outburst.
Dustin sits on a bed backstage ranting, promising that he’ll stay around to rile people up because look what his words did. It’s undoubtedly doing wonders for his approval rating, that’s for sure. On Kimberley, he shrugs and says, "If ya need d***, ya need d***." Who is he to diagnose that, though? Call him Dr. Ruth Westheinie.
Ross confronts Dustin on the bed.
Might not want to get too close, Ross. The dude has dildos.
Ross tells Dustin that he’s appalled. He explains that he’s on Dustin’s team and he likes him as a person, but it’s hard to be on Dustin’s side sometimes.
"It’s not everybody against you, Dustin. Sometimes, it’s you against the world." Ross also implies that Dustin is lacking in humility. He says all of this in his nice, Ross way, but it’s cool that at least someone is attempting to talk sense into Dustin and isn’t intimidated by his mental terrorism. Could it be that, at heart, Ross is the butchest Fit Clubber? Incredible.
Eventually, to no one’s chagrin, Dustin leaves.
And now we can really continue where we left off, at Kimberley’s weigh-in. Ant explains that Tiffany had to leave to collect herself, though she wanted to be there to support Kimberley. She’s with Kimberley in spirit, kind of like sugar is with Splenda in spirit. Kimberley steps on the scale and…
She lost 3 lbs. Also, this week, she shot a video:
Despite the pouting, it is in no way connected to Zoolander. Back at panel, Stacy tells Kimberley that her poise in dealing with Dustin makes her a great role model. Kimberley then breaks down.
She says that she let Dustin steal her joy a little bit. And here, he thought he was giving it back with the dildo suggestion. Damn those communication lines! Kim has an internal conflict — she wonders if by attempting to remain collected in the face of Dustin’s heckling, she’s doing her young fans a disservice. Should she be more aggressive? The answer is: whatever burns the most calories. Restraint exercises are, in fact, effective for many.
Kimberley’s target for next time is 2 lbs.
And then, we flash forward a week.
Stacy leads a meeting with the group to discuss what went down with Dustin. The troublemaker himself does not attend. Imagine! It’s better this way, anyway, because he would either end up being a punching bag or people would end up censoring themselves and not get out their true feelings, which is what the meeting is all about.
Everyone weighs in on Dustin: Tiffany is shocked at new level he’ll take things. Also she feels like she can’t be nice to him or she’s betraying others that he’s hurt. Brat was pissed at his Kimberley-dildo comment. Cledus found Dustin’s comment inexplicable. Maureen wasn’t cool with Dustin’s "retarded joke" because she has a brother who’s retarded. Kim explains how he made it clear that he’s on the show to save his career. Ross tries to be a peacemaker, but this is hard because he isn’t Jesus. Mo adds that she wants him to come back. "I just want to see everyone win." This sounds nice written out, but really, she just wants to mop the floor with him.
What is a public hanging without rope? At least, that’s what the next transition suggests for the teams suit up…
…for a climbing and rope-swinging exercise that Harvey first demonstrates.
Anyone can do this, but it does help if you’ve been bitten by the same bug that bit Spider-Man.
Here’s what the Fit Clubbers must do:
Climb a pole.
Balance on a beam.
Swing off it.
Simple right? Tell that to Warren.
At first, it’s hard to say if he’s scared of heights or if he’s just really attracted to that pole.
It turns out that it’s the latter, and he eventually climbs down without completing the task:
Also notable is Cledus’ triumph over his fear of heights:
It’s really beautiful. Like something out of Titanic.
Da Brat follows Warren’s example and chickens out once she’s made her way up the pole. Warren, on the other hand, turns his back on his example and makes his way up again…
…only to hit a snag and be left hanging as he tries to do his final rope swing…
Is that some bizarre form of pole karma?
No matter. Since this was really just a personal challenge and not a team vs. team effort, no one loses. Alternately, no one wins. Like last week’s challenge in which both teams ultimately were rewarded, this is slightly disappointing.
And then, it’s time for a whole new round of weigh-ins.
Someone’s missing and everyone couldn’t be happier!
In addition to Dustin, Dr. Ian also couldn’t make it. He at least has a reasonable excuse:
A new baby! Wonder if Similac is part of the Smash Diet? Hmmm.
Warren is the first celeb to be weighed in:
The two-pound loss is about the extent of the excitement Warren provides. He just couldn’t live up to being left hanging on a pole. Go figure again. His target for next week is 3 lbs.
Next up is Tiffany.
Tiff is miffed that she didn’t reach her goal of 4 lbs. Per Harvey and Stacy, though, she looks great. And isn’t that what really matters? Looks? The scales don’t lie, but the eyeballs are your bread and butter. Or, really, multi-grain bread and no-calorie butter-esque spray. Or something. Tiff also explains her early departure last week, saying that she can’t really deal with screaming and crying. Hmmm. Might want to rethink the reality-TV thing, then, Tiffo. Tiffany’s target for next time is 4 lbs.
And then there is Mo. She weighs in and check the gif above for her reaction. Or just look at this still:
She looks horrified, like if the Tall Man from Phantasm saw himself in the mirror and got scared. Also, she lost a pound. Would her head have popped off if she lost more? Would blood shoot out of her nose like a fountain?
Mo has now lost 19.3 percent of her body weight. This is really amazing. Also, she reveals that her excitement over the weight loss stemmed from the rocky week that preceded it. The day after the Dustin bust-up, Mo stayed in bed. She was depressed over Dustin’s joking about retarded people because she has a brother who’s mentally retarded and she has heard jokes about him all her life. See, this is exactly the reason why you don’t joke about retarded people. You never know who’s going to be rightfully sensitive about such things. You never know what’s going to make you look like a jerk. Well…maybe. Dustin seems to know exactly what’s going to make him look like a jerk.
Then, we see some bizarre footage of Maureen taking a pillow-fighting class.
The pillow-fight instructor explains that pillow fighting takes an old male fantasy idea and turns it into a real sport. Football does that, too – it’s just that the males having that particular fantasy are most likely gay.
At one point, Mo says that she enjoys the submissive aspect of this exercise. Waaaaaaay TMI. She also challenges Harvey to a fight. Harvey declines. The go-figuring continues. Mo’s target for next time (set by herself) is 3 lbs.
And then there is Da Brat.
Oh snap! She gained! She explains that she didn’t work out as much. Well, there’s your problem, Brat. More ass-crunching, less gum-flapping. Harvey calls Brat out for chickening out of the climbing/roping Fit Camp challenge. He offers her to try it again. Brat declines. Big mistake for she has 5 lbs. to lose for next time.
Next up is Ross.
Still kicking ass, Ross is down 15.4 percent of his body weight. When asked about Dustin the peace-making Ross stammers out things like, "I don’t hate Dustin" and "It is lighter without him." Harvey’s response? "You don’t have to hate him to admit he’s a waste of sperm." Ross says he wouldn’t use those words. Harvey says he’ll put them in Ross’ mouth for him. So now Harvey is putting "sperm" in Ross’ mouth? It’s really been beautiful this season, watching their relationship blossom.
Ross’ goal for next time is 3 lbs.
And then, Cledus.
Cledus says his downfall is that he listened to what the judges said and ate three meals a day. He contends that had he stuck to his regimen of chicken and broccoli, that wouldn’t have happened. The judges balk at this. Cledus says he did everything this week to lose weight including getting a colonic. Wow. First it was the submission. Then the sperm in the mouth. And now colonics. We’ve reached a new height of icky. What’s next? Is someone going to make a dildo out of their penis and then offer it to Kimberley Locke? Oh wait. That already happened.
Cledus’ target is 2 lbs.
Finally, there is Kimberley.
She’s lost 2 lbs. And there’s more persevering where that came from: she was ready to leave the show, but her cast mates convinced her to stay. And really, letting Dustin getting to her that much would have been criminal.
Kimberley also went to hand out toys to kids as part of the charitable donation from Fit Clubbers’ challenge last week.
It’s nothing nearly as scary as this screen shot suggests.
Kim’s target for next week is 4 lbs.
And then, time for the scales:
And so, the Dustin-free Athletes are kicking butt. But that doesn’t mean we’ve seen the last of Dustin. As a coda, we’re treated to a rambling interview conducted in a car:
He says things like, "Life without conflict is nirvana and that’s what man has been searching for since the dawn of time," and,
"He who speaks does not know. He who knows does not speak." How all of this applies to him is unclear. Yoda he is not.