In the past year of working at VH1 and covering its Celebreality slate, there’s no one that I wanted to talk to more than Charm School‘s Larissa. Unlike virtually everyone else who watches the show, I like Larissa — I don’t condone her behavior, but I admire her spunk, her sharp tongue and her commitment to making what those in the business call "good TV." I’ve talked to and even met her before, but I was really excited about discussing her turn on Charm School, which is either star-making or stomach-turning depending on what you look for in your Celebreality drama.
Imagine my disappointment when, after attempting to contact her for the past two weeks, her manager told me that Larissa was not interested in speaking about her time on the show. Imagine my despair when she chose to dish her dirt to another outlet.
As sad as this makes me, I still love her. She was eliminated from Charm School this week and I really can’t let her go without a tribute. Since I couldn’t post an interview with her, I did the next best thing: I made one up. Using sound bites from Charm School, I’ve constructed a completely hypothetical, not at all real conversation between Larissa and me. It’s after the jump — I only wish I could have experienced this level of attitude firsthand.
VH1: Sounds great! How is your attitude today, anyway?
VH1: I thought you might say that. Any ground rules you’d like to impose on this interview?
VH1: Aw, come on, Larissa. How could anyone not look at you? You’s fine!
VH1: Oh totally! Please do. Anyway, why are you so crabby today? Was it something you ate? What did you have for lunch?
Larissa: A big-ass tamale!
VH1: Oh wow, you sound so excited about that. It must have been good. What about after? Did it affect you? Did your food disagree with you and, in turn, cause you to be disagreeable? Can you describe to me what Mexican usually does to your digestive system?
VH1: Yeah, you said that already. It’s very enticing and not at all hypocritical when held up against all the trash you talked on Leilene for being a stripper. What will you be wearing when you bend over and shake your ass?
Larissa: Your dirty draws! And fess up to it!
VH1: Oh, I fess. I fess. If they’re my draws, they’re definitely soiled.
Larissa: You’re the whore I knew you were.
VH1: You read me like an open…pair of legs.
Larissa: That ain’t cute.
VH1: Well, if that’s your opinion, you clearly haven’t seen my naked, tender thighs.
VH1: You’re right, you’re right. Not all of us can be as naturally well-endowed as you. Anyway, can I ask you about your time on Charm School?
Larissa: Hell no.
VH1: Well, that’s sort of the point of this interview. I’m going to pretend like I didn’t just pretend that you said that. What are your feelings on your participation in the show and the way you were portrayed?
Larissa: I am so pissed.
VH1: Why is that?
VH1: Yeah, I understand that you’re frustrated, but for all the effort you claim to have put into your time on Charm School, it was really hard to see past your antagonizing. You really have a bad attitude and that reads all over your face.
Larissa: I think that you just don’t like me and that’s your issue with me. That’s how I feel. ‘Cause when you come to me, you said you see a look on my face that I have an attitude, but when you’re up there and talking to me, I see the same thing.
VH1: Larissa, I like you more than anyone else on the Internet does. Plus, and I hate to break it to you, but you can’t see me. This is a fake interview and even if it weren’t, we’d be on the phone and you still wouldn’t be able to see me. Unless, that is, you are a Jetson. Let’s not go there.
Larissa: Yes, I’m gonna go there!
VH1: To infinity and beyond, Larissa. Anyway, let’s talk some smack about the people on the show. How ’bout those judges? You weren’t really interested in listening to what they had to say, huh?
VH1: Fascinating. A more Joyce-ian sentence hasn’t been been spoken in the entire Flavor of Love universe. Bravo!
VH1: I don’t know about that, babe. I’m a little more psychedelic than that. Tell me how you feel about that lovable Cheshire cat who hosts the show, or, as you know her, Mo’Nique.
Larissa: I think she’s a hater!
VH1: Takes one to know one, I suppose. How about Brooke?
Larissa: I think Brooke is so nasty.
VH1: That’s like the weave calling the extension fake. Speaking of: thoughts on Schatar?
VH1: It turns me on when you say "ass" a lot.
VH1: Whoo! I think you gave me a hot flash. Tell me how you feel about Shay.
Larissa: I don’t like snitches.
VH1: Predictable answer. Got anything a little more…colorful?
Larissa: Chocolate-ass Big Bird.
VH1: See, that’s the kind of stuff I live for. Tell me how you feel about Courtney.
Larissa: I want Courtney, for sure.
VH1: Scandalous! Any final thoughts on Leilene?
VH1: I know, Larissa, and it tears me up inside. What should we know about you?
VH1: Well, that’s what you aren’t. But what are you?
Larissa: I know who I am. I know who I am.
VH1: Tell me who that is. Please! The suspense is killing me.
VH1: Ooooh! Can I, as well? Anyway, what’s next for you Bootz? Any career ambitions?
Larissa: I’m gon’ be a judge!
VH1: I fear the day I end up in traffic court. What’s your life philosophy?
Larissa: Everybody has to agree!
VH1: Frankly, that doesn’t sound like you at all. And if that’s true, I have to say I find that disappointing.
VH1: It’s funny ’cause it’s true. Any final words, Larissa?
Larissa: Damn crack whore.
VH1: Ah. That’s more like it!