If Brooke is, as Mo’Nique says, "the whore of Charm School"…
…does that mean that she could bring some charm to whore school?
She’d be all, "Good sir, stick thy pinky out when caressing the fruit with thy tongue. If you shan’t, I shall say good day to you!"
Before we get to this week’s episode, it’s worth taking time to listen to the pre-episode recap that preceded it because really it’s ingenious. Here’s the part that goes over the picture incident. It basically squeezes the entire ordeal into 12 seconds of the girls saying, "She said!" and "I said!" If only the tedium of life were so easy to condense. If only reality TV were, too, for that matter.
Anyway, today’s lesson will be:
This lesson will be led by this dude:
Apparently, he’s going to teach the girls what kind of guys they should be attracted to. That’s like teaching magnets alternate methods of polarity. Good luck, King Flex. Meanwhile, Shay gags over the instructor.
And, like, seriously? Flex isn’t a bad-looking guy, but he isn’t exactly a dreamboat. These girls are clearly man-deprived. The very suggestion of testosterone leaves mouths watering. Someone get Shay a buffalo burger before she bites Flex’s butt.
Flex is going to teach the girls about four types of men to avoid. This concept is foreign to Brooke. "I’m surprised to find out there were so many different types of men. I mean, I just thought there was one type of man. The one with the d***." This statement seems like a tossed-off joke at first and then takes a few seconds to become skeevy and then in a few seconds more becomes flat-out sad. If Brooke sees every man as nothing more than a keeper of a penis, Christmas with the relatives must be really weird. And exhausting. On the upside, adopting this attitude means that you can literally go shopping for a husband…at a sex shop.
Meanwhile, as Flex talks, Becky yawns.
Well, either that, or she, too is shopping for a husband in her own, inviting way.
Flex runs down his four P’s — these are the different categories that trifilin’, good-for-nothing men fall under.
(The first one is "player.")
First of all, nice percentages. Clearly, this lesson is based entirely in science. Also, it’s awesome that the parolee has such high sexual aptitude. He gets a lot of practice in jail, probably, if the canceled HBO series Oz is any indication.
Not all men are penises or P’s, it turns out. There’s a fifth kind of man and this is the one that the women should look out for. He is the:
In the words of Beyoncé & co.: a baller! But really: urban renaissance man? To all the ladies in the Midwest: you’re screwed.
The girls will put their skills to the test tonight at the first Charm School prom. There, they’ll pick through an smattering of dudes in the hopes of finding the urban renaissance man. But, like, what if he isn’t hot?
Anyway, they’re given prom dresses…
…which look suspiciously like clothes that Schatar tried to sell to Out of the Closet. Watch for stains and funky smells, girls! Once that funk grabs a hold of you, there’s no turning back.
The girls prepare.
Saaphyri passes Leiliene and tells her, "That’s cute," only to roll her eyes soon after…
Whatever you say, Whitney Rudeston.
Becky succinctly summarizes her outfit, saying it looks like Barbie threw up on her.
Somewhere, Schatar is beaming. "She just compared me to Barbie!!!"
When they’re all ready, the girls file down to the main room:
They look pretty good, which, to hear Saaphyri tell it, makes the guys who come in unfit for their company.
"What the hell? I feel bamboozled! It’s a bunch of ugly-lookin’ fools up in here!" Well, what’d she expect? A room full of Flavs?
We are introduced to the men the girls must sift through:
(Well, Shell, maybe if you specialized in more than just foreplay, girls would stick around long enough for you to have sex with them again. Just a thought!)
And then, there is the grand prize, the testosterone and the end of the rainbow, the unicorn with a penis for a horn, it’s, it’s, it’s…
Leilene, who looks particularly hot…
…thinks she has this challenge in the bag. "I know I’m going to be great at this because I started stripping when I was 17, and I know how to read people. That’s what I do for a living. This is my forté." Who ever could have predicted that the skills learned from stripping would come so in handy in the squeaky clean world of reality TV?
And speaking of squeaky clean…
…Brooke is not. Early on, we see her grinding on a guy and yelling, "This would be so much more fun if we were naked!" That’s because it would be sexual intercourse. Mo, who’s watching with the other judges in a secluded room, concurs, describing Brooke’s behavior as "slutacious." What’s awesome about this isn’t so much that Mo’Nique just made up a new word — it’s the way she says the new word as if it’s just any regular old word that could be used to describe, say, fajitas at Chili’s as well as it could be used to describe Brooke. Hot and hot! Love it.
The girls mill about, with Becky in particular noting that her strategy is to talk to as many guys as possible. This runs counter to Leilene’s strategy, which apparently is to set hooks into the first guy that gives her the time of day. That’s not very stripper-like unless there’s an accompanying lap dance. Sadly, there is not.
Leilene reveals that she loves moves like Dude, Where’s My Car and Revenge of the Nerds. If Owen should request that she pull his finger, she knows she’s found her soulmate. But there’s nothing that intellectually stimulating on the menu: their talk devolves into a game of Rocks, Paper, Scissors.
Then, more Brooke. She talks to the urban renaissance man, but he doesn’t impress her.
She asks him if he likes to "f*** or make love." In the words of Pepa to Spinderella in Salt-n-Pepa’s 1991 hit, "Let’s Talk About Sex": come on, now, how many guys you know make love?
Brooke takes a shot off the giant ice pineapple that’s keeping the room so festive.
Becky observes, "If it look like a h**, it smell like a h**, it taste like a h**, it’s probably a h**." In this case, the h** tastes like pumpkin. Yummy, Brooke pie! Just like grandma used to make!
In a later-filmed interview, Brooke recalls her dalliance with Seashell. "I’m definitely not opposed to hooking up at prom, and I think he was hot. I hope he was hot. Was he hot?" Ha! Yes, Brooke, he was hot — he looked exactly like a penis with shells hanging from its surrounding hairs.
And speaking of those hairs, they provide fodder for a blow-up that Seashell has with Saaphyri. It all starts when Brooke refers to her small breasts. She is happy with them. Seashell is too, and says that he doesn’t like big breasts because of their likelihood to have stretch marks. The generously busted Saaphyri takes issue with this immediately and reads him as though Paris and all of its surrounding bodies of water are burning.
"Which ocean did you get them seashells hangin’ from them little tiny-ass braids in the back of your head?" she asks. Truthfully, this isn’t that great of an insult, since, like, duh, seashells do come from the ocean. Like, if he had said, "the Pacific," she really wouldn’t have been able to come back with much, you know? Fortunately, Seashells isn’t so swift. He calls her a "booger-eatin’, snot-drinker with your old ass." If booger-eating, snot-drinking Saaphyri were to star in a movie, Leilene would soooooo be there.
The fight prompts Mo to come down to break up the prom and have the girls vote for whom they thought was the urban renaissance man.
Leilene picks this guy:
As we know, she is wrong (and obsessed!).
Shay and Saaphyri chose him:
They, too, are wrong.
Finally, Brooke and Becky chose this guy:
And they are wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. These girls learned nothing and no one picked the urban renaissance man in the end. Class dismissed!
Except not really. The girl who chose the urban renaissance man was supposed to be safe from elimination, but since no one did that, it’s time for plan B. The girls are hit with this plan the next morning as Leilene reads a note:
The girls must now choose who the best representative of Charm School was at the prom. Whomever gets the most votes will be safe from elimination. They must also pick the girl who did the worst at the prom. Whomever gets the most votes for that category will be called to the carpet. Now that the girls can vote for (and against) each other, it’s strategy time. But what plays out is less like Survivor and more like Sur-doofus.
Saaphyri and Becky are friends and so it is assumed that they will vote for each other. Brooke and Shay team up in response, which means that Leilene’s vote will be the deciding one. The strategy on exactly whom to vote for and out that follows is kind of confusing and of dubious logic. Basically, this is all you need to know:
Brooke attempts to win Leilene over with a pinky swear, while Saaphyri illustrates her way of thinking visually.
Leilene is a visual learner, so Saaphyri wins! End of story!
The votes get put in and tallied and Mikki announces the results: with two votes for her, Becky is safe for elimination. Saaphyri and Brooke both received two votes for worst representative. Mikki, who is undoubtedly holding a s***-stirring spoon behind her back, reveals that it was Leilene’s vote that was the deciding factor. Leilene voted against Brooke. Great. Now we have to listen to her complain.
Upstairs, Brooke rants. "You don’t want the $50,000. You want to better yourself…no. You’re here because you don’t want America to think you’re a stripper." This would be believable if Leilene didn’t mention how handy her stripper background is every time she wipes her butt. Leilene’s retort to Brooke’s harassment is witty: "Well, at least I get paid. You give it for free." Well, at least, it passes for wit here.
Then: elimination. The three girls on the carpet for this episode are…
Leilene was too focused on one guy. She was two-stepping when she should have been walking forward. Apparently, that she was two-stepping in the name of love had no bearing on her performance. Saaphyri is a spaz. Keith has this special message for Brooke: "You can put as much lipstick on a pig as you want, but it’s not going to make her a lady.
" Keith must be unfamiliar with the ways of Muppets. Mo’Nique steps forward to send Saaphyri and Leilene back to the stairs. This way, none of the venom that Mo’s about to spit on Brooke will reach them. Mo takes Brooke to task for sucking the ice sculpture. Brooke corrects her that she was taking a shot off the ice sculpture. A minor distinction, but still an important one for the girl who’s being branded "the whore of Charm School." Brooke doesn’t like that Mo’Nique called her that, so Mo’Nique clarifies: "The whore that you exhibited was whore-like. The whore jumped out and then it jumped back in and we can’t have that here." Is it even worth it pointing out that there’s a difference between a slut and a whore and that Brooke did all of this free of charge? Oh wait, Leilene already did that. It’s a weird day in Charmville when Leilene proves wiser than, well, anyone.
Mo gives Brooke some motivational rap about loving herself but it’s kind of crap after Mo has really just degraded her. Brooke probably wasn’t so smart to do what she did as far as the competition goes (what kind of reaction was she expecting?), but she’s not a bad person for being open about enjoying men and sex with them. She really doesn’t deserve the ridicule. Regardless, she is expelled.
When Brooke reaches the door, she turns and says, "And, no, I’m not gonna f***ing spit, America."
Uh…thanks? Did anyone really think she was going to, anyway?
Outside, Brooke cries and rants. For her final trick, she says, "I am not the whore of Charm School! I just like my f***ing t**s!"
The whore jumps in, the whore jumps out. The whore goes outside and shakes her t**s about. What an ending!
Cracking up, Mo adds, "And if people say, ‘Mo’Nique, how can you laugh at that?’ ‘Cause damn it, it’s funny!" Not even she can hold back on this one. That’s how awesome it is.