Quick quiz. Is statement on Dustin’s shirt true or false?
The answer is…well, the answer is that Dustin is the star of this show like coughing is the star of tuberculosis.
Obviously, the existence of the screenshot above proves that Dustin is back this week…much to most everyone’s dismay. Here are everyone’s faces when Harvey tells them at the start of the episode that Dustin, in fact, will be joining them:
Dustin comes in and talks to his team. Sorry, that’s not quite right. Dustin comes in and fields questions from his team in the most apathetic way possible…
…he wears his headphones in the entire time. Wow, how warm and inviting. How much you wanna bet he’s listening to the Cool As Ice soundtrack? It goes with his slick attitude. Rob Van Winkle has nothing on Dustin Diamond. For that matter, neither does Chester Cheetah.
After such a beautiful reintroduction, Harvey gathers the celebs around to explain this week’s Fit Camp.
They will be taking part in a dirt-bike race, men versus women. Each gender will go two heats.
They do some practicing…
…and boom! Dustin goes down.
Dustin says that he’s sick and cannot breathe without hacking. That isn’t phlegm, dude. It’s karma.
Cledus and Warren finish in the first and second slots of the first race. Brat and Kimberley win it for the girls. This puts the Regulators in the lead.
Dustin doesn’t want to participate in the second race. Does Dustin have to be begged to use the toilet, too? At least that would explain his 24/7 crappy attitude.
He’s coerced into it by just about everyone around the track, only to quit halfway through. The dirt’s all, "Good riddance. He made me feel icky." In the end the Regulators win. They secretly love Dustin if only for a few minutes of victorious bliss.
Then, it is time for weigh-ins. Never one to beat around the bush in any capacity, Ant digs right in and asks the teams how they feel about having Dustin back. They’re positively thrilled, duh! Dustin says he is here with peace in his soul. Is it peace or the peace substitute, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bile?
Kimberley is the first celeb to be weighed in.
Do not throw food at Kimberley — it would likely land in her mouth and probably be counter-productive to her weight loss. Stacy points out that Kimberly seemed to enjoy beating the other team more than anyone else. That’s because kicking his ass in Fit Camp is as close as she can get to kicking his ass for real without running into trouble with the law. Kimberley’s goal for next time is 3 lbs.
Next up is Ross.
He’s now down over 17 percent of his body weight. Because Ross has lost so much, his wardrobe needs sprucing up…
…like, badly. Ross goes through his old clothes. It is basically a comedy routine.
He holds that shirt up and asks, "What was I thinking?" You were probably thinking something along the lines of, "What would Phyllis Diller do?"
Anyway, Ross meets with this guy…
…who basically gives him a room full of clothing.
This makes him verklempt. And fashionably so!
Ross’ target for next time is 3 lbs.
Up next is Brat.
She’s a little disappointed because she didn’t hit her goal of 5 lbs. She says that she worked her butt off. When Ian asks about her diet, Brat admits that she had some drinks at the club. More like dranks. Shawty snappin’ up the beverages!
Since Brat isn’t so great about working out, Harvey decides that she should hit the gymnasium for a trampoline workout.
Brat loves it.
But you know what the best thing about a trampoline workout is? You can do it all by yourself. Her target for next time is 6 lbs.
And then there is Mo.
Someone get this woman a role in a horror movie, already. Mo has lost two more pounds, which brings her body-weight percentage loss up to 20.7 lbs. Mo has lost a fifth of herself! That’s like losing a leg, except, you know, not debilitating. Mo talks about her brother disabled Denny, whom she mentioned earlier in the season. He’s the one she had to put in a home. She felt terrible about that. But the home is close and he comes over a lot and she makes him sandwiches.
After the clip of them spending time together shows, we cut back to Mo and she’s crying. She says she’s so happy to have him in her life. Aw! I will not say anything remotely wise-assed about this, lest my own lungs fill with karma and suffocate me. Mo’s target for next time is 2 lbs.
Cledus is up next. He has one more pound to lose before he hits his target. If he does, he promises to jump into the pool that’s near the weigh-in room. Promises, threatens, same thing. Cledus hops on the scale and…
Score! He’s lost 4 lbs. And he owes it all to an obsessive fixation on chicken and broccoli. His suffering, our reward:
Damn that’s predictable.
But this isn’t:
If Kimberley were wearing a bikini, it would say, "supporting character of the show." Cledus’ goal for next time (set by himself) is 3 lbs.
He’s lost 3 lbs. After questioning, he reports that his weight loss has helped his sex life. "My stamina’s there. The blood is pumping." That’s because he lifts weights with his penis. Just kidding. All this would be TMI if Warren weren’t cute. He is and now more so than ever. He’s almost back to his puppy-dog cuteness of the "This DJ" video. Don’t act like you don’t remember.
Warren is cute and so is his belly:
Warren says he’s developing a six pack. Uh, yeah, Warren. Whatever you say! Not that he needs one. Cute.
Warren’s goal for next time is 3 lbs.
Next is Tiffany.
She lost 3 lbs. At Fit Camp, she fell off her bike and got back up and kept going. This is representative of her general spirit. That kind of mindset is probably really essential for an ’80s teen-pop queen, for real. Keep on keepin’ on, Tiff. Her goal for next time is 4 lbs.
Dustin’s the final celeb to be weighed in.
The good news? He lost 5 lbs. The bad news? He did it using Zantrex. Dr. Ian reminds us that fat burners like Zantrex are not regulated by the FDA and are potentially dangerous.
They are also potentially dangerous because they piss Warren off.
In between Warren’s rants, Dustin tells the panel that he’s "totally at peace, totally calm." Someone’s been dipping into the Calgon supply! Dr. Ian offers one last shot at doing dieting the way he prescribes. Dustin says he’ll think about it. Dude, this show’s over in a week. You don’t have time to think. Ross wonders if Dustin’s weight loss is a sign that he’s there for his team. Dustin replies that he’s there to lose weight. No matter what you ask him, Dustin always finds a way to answer in the jerkiest way possible. Seriously, even if it isn’t true, couldn’t he lie?
Harvey asks Dustin if he traveled to Mecca and Dustin says he has, probably because he doesn’t know what that means and doesn’t want to rock the boat. Best not to lest Harvey balls up his fist and curses through clench teeth again. By any means necessary, you know? Dustin says he’s read a lot of books. Is How To Lose Friends and Alienate People one of them? His target for next time is 6 lbs.
And then: giant scales.
But who cares about weight loss when we’ve got percents?
The numbers are so close! It’s anyone’s game going into next week’s finale. It’s hard, but try not to bite your nails in anticipation — it’s not worth the extra calories.