It’s the last episode of Celebrity Fit Club: Men Vs. Women, and Dustin has a message for everyone.
Don’t you miss him already?
The Fit Camp of the final episode of any given season of Celebrity Fit Club is the same as the first Fit Camp of the season. This way we can tangibly chart the progress of the contestants. So that’s what happens and here are the results:
It’s all pretty routine and dry, as you can see. If only it would stay that way. It doesn’t, thanks to Dustin, who rains on everything.
Don’t confuse the rainy day he brings with sweat, though — on the final event, the stair climb, Dustin decides that he’s going to stop early and not push himself because he has a show to do and he doesn’t want his legs to be sore. My brain is sore trying to make sense of that. How long could his set be anyway that soreness would hurt his capacity to stand through it. Besides, the audience at Foxwoods isn’t at all particular — he can sit down in the middle of his act, after everyone has fallen asleep.
Dustin’s attitude has Maureen pissed.
Dustin continues to throw what’s left of his weight around by threatening not to show up at tomorrow’s final weigh-ins. "I could not show tomorrow and everybody’s screwed," he says. Not the viewers! He says he would do this out of spite and revenge. Dustin: The Revenge — this time it’s nonsensical. Sorry, I shouldn’t compare Dustin to Jaws. A shark avenging the death of the people who killed it three times already by traveling to the Bahamas makes a lot more sense than Dustin Diamond needing to get revenge on people who’ve been decent enough not to ram things down his throat the minute he starts talking. Harvey gets in on this and say he has "this much" respect for Dustin…
…or perhaps Harvey is offering a brief synopsis of Screeched. Hard to tell. Anyway, here are the final results of the stair climb:
And then, it is time for the final weigh-ins. Everyone’s dressed up.
Da Brat is the first person to hit the scale.
She’s lost 5 lbs., which brings her percentage of body weight lost up to 15.1 percent. To show her appreciation for CFC and its panel, she and the rest of the Regulators (who are all musicians, which: weird) performed a Fit Club-themed song.
This is, undoubtedly the first rap song ever to reference Dr. Ian’s diet. Revolutionary! Also note that she writes "chicken wings" like "chicken wangs." Couldn’t be too hard to give those up when you refer to them like that, you know? Anyway, here’s the whole video for your amusement:
Brat also gets a message from Jermaine Dupri, her mentor:
He basically says "Congratulations" in half a dozen different ways during his 30 second slot. He provides as much insight here as he does when he’s doing a call-out intro on a song. "Everybody to the floor…of the gym!" Regardless, he has Brat in tears.
And here are Brat’s final results:
Next up is Tiffany.
She lost 7 lbs., and in the process, blew by her final goal of 125. She’s now just shy of her Playboy weight, which is just about as opposite of baby weight as you can get, come to think of it. Harvey says that Tiffany is hot. And by "Tiffany," he means "Ross."
Speak of the devil, Ross is next!
He has now lost 41 lbs., but not an ounce of gay. Good for him. His original goal was to lose 30 lbs. He’s now lost 19.2 percent of his starting body weight. While appearance is affected by weight-loss, Ross main objective, he reveals, wasn’t to be hotter. He saw his dad die young from not taking care of himself and he didn’t want to follow that same pattern. Way to grab the reigns, Ross.
Then, we see a meeting between Ross and his friend Rosie O’Donnell.
They scream their hellos and it’s utterly impossible to discern whose shrieks belong to whom. Ross tells Rosie that at last weigh-in, it was revealed that he had lost a total 37 lbs. "That’s half Nicole Richie!" he says. You know that Nicole Richie threw up in her mouth a little when she found out that Ross implied that she weighed 74 lbs. Don’t worry, Nicole. You don’t look a pound above 70. Ross is mean.
Ross also explains that he has cracked Harvey. "When he sees me now, he rolls back and gives me his belly," Ross says.
You sure that’s all he’s rolling over and giving you, Ross?
Back at panel, Ross notes that Harvey is wearing pink and that he’s wearing blue. "Who would have thought on the final episode that I’d be wearing blue and you’d be wearing pink?" I did. Harvey further cements his love for Ross by giving him a Marine Corps coin for being the most outstanding performer.
Then, they embrace.
Tension released. This is exactly like when Ross (Geller, not the Intern) finally kissed Rachel.
Kimberley is up next.
She receives a special message from her mom.
She cries as if Jermaine Dupri himself reached out to her. Kimberley says he’s moved because she wants her mom to be healthy, too — her mom is close to being diabetic and she just lost her mother. The tears dry up when Stacy mentions Dustin. How does Kimberley feel about him at this point? She says she feels sorry for him — he didn’t take advantage of the experience and missed out on making friends with seven people. Maybe instead of feeling sorry for him, you should just consider yourself lucky and call it a day, Kimbo.
Get ready for a crazy face because Maureen is up next.
She’s lost a total of 34 lbs. — 9 more than her original target. She’s also lost the highest percentage of her body weight (22.6 percent). Maureen wins the individual award! For that, she is bizarrely serenaded by a gospel choir.
It wasn’t dieting and hard work that allowed Maureen to lose the weight, it was Jesus.
As if being taken there by a chorus of red-robed religious folk weren’t enough, Mo gets some prizes, too:
And a trip for four to the Banff National Park in Alberta, Canada.
Mo’s accomplishment makes her giddy as a school girl.
Or maybe giddy as a home-schooled girl. Seriously, doesn’t she look like Amy Poehler doing Dakota Fanning in that shot?
Next is Warren.
Warren receives a message of congratulations and support from his bad-ass wife.
She says she felt like he lost the weight for her. But don’t worry, that doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t enjoy Warren’s adorably beefy new bod.
Warren tells the panel, "I love all y’all." Not as much as I love you, Warren.
Cledus is next.
He lost another 2 lbs. He says he’s a better man because of CFC. But still, he hasn’t conquered all of his demons. We see footage of him and Stacy at an airport.
It feels painful, apparently.
Stacy finally gets him on the plane and before he can leave, springs something on him.
The plane is en route to Phoenix, where his daughter is. If he doesn’t get off and takes the flight, he can see her. Cledus eventually relents.
He sees his daughter and she’s seriously adorable.
…is worth a million panic attacks and years worth of airplane food.
Last and least as far as respect goes, is Dustin.
He’s lost 13 lbs., and none of it in bile! Ian is apprehensive about congratulating him, knowing Dustin’s history of cheating and refusing to do things healthily. Dustin gets mad about this and says that he went on this show to prove a point and so he did: he lost weight his way. Whoop dee doo. After tomorrow, we’ll all have forgotten his point and remember how excruciating he can be. Case and point?
This woefully unfunny exchange between Dustin’s impersonation of Cledus and Da Brat. His Cledus cries about his daughter constantly, while Brat is some thugged out caricature that’s just shy of being racist. Seriously: not funny.
Cledus gets mad because he feels that Dustin is making fun of his daughter.
Really, though, Dustin isn’t. I’m not defending him just saying that his attack was wholly on Cledus’ expression of feelings about his daughter, and not his actual daughter. This may be a sign of Dustin’s utter lack of a capacity to love something (or understand people who do), but he’s not a child-basher. Not in front of the cameras, anyway.
Still, Harvey notes Dustin’s utter lack of respect. He sends the D-man off with, "Get the f*** off my scale and have a lovely f***in’ day." Harvey, for a fleeting moment, is the voice of a nation.
And then, final weigh-ins.
The Athletes take it! While it sucks to see Dustin rewarded, everyone can take consolation in Ant’s caveat. He tells them that Maureen, Ross and Tiffany lost the highest percentage of weight, so it wouldn’t have mattered who their fourth member was — they would have won even without Dustin. Ha! The only ending more satisfying than this wouldn’t have been humane or legal. Take what you can get.