Paris Talks God, ADD and Strip Searches

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Tonight was Paris’ time to shine in her one hour interview with CNN’s Larry King. And oh the marvelous things we learned! For example, "God makes everything happen for a reason." Like her brand new mustard colored extensions, for starters. It sure is a good thing we now know WHY there is ugliness living on top her head.

We break down all the deets on Paris and Larry’s chat-fest – after the jump!

  • The baby voice made its first appearance at 9:01 PM, according
    to my TiVo. Well, so much for all those  hyped up "changes" she was
    planning on making. But never fear – later on in the interview when
    Larry asks what about herself she likes the least, that’s the first – and only -
    thing Paris brings up. Her wonky eye feels left out.
  • She claims she has "no idea" why the paparazzi follows her around. How about that rarely covered vagina?
  • Did I mention Paris looks divine in the curtains from my grandmother’s nursing home?
  • The heiress appears to come close to crying at a couple points in
    the interview. It’s unclear if it’s because she was sad that
    she couldn’t hug her dad on Father’s Day, or because her lids were
    caving under the pressure of her 70-pound fake eyelashes.
  • Paris reveals that she suffers from intense claustrophobia, so the first few days in her cell were particularly hard, causing panic
    and anxiety attacks. This is what happens when people who grow up in
    mansions spend time in a space the size of their third favorite
    walk-in closet.
  • She refers to herself as "a little immature." We’ll buy that.
  • Paris reads a few select pieces from her "notes" collection, and not since Jewel‘s A Night Without Armor has a celebrity created such a work of critical, poetic genius for our generation.
  • Of course she denies using drugs, besides her doctor-prescribed Adderall. And she’s NOT lying. As we know, Paris only smokes tampons (NSFW).
  • Larry King is apparently senile, as he keeps referring to ADD as ADT, which is the alarm system he has for his house. But it has a short attention span and a hard time staying focused, so it’s practically the same thing!
  • Oh how cute, little Miss Simple Life considers herself "normal."
  • The poor thing was strip searched in jail, describing it as "the most humiliating experience" of her life. Cuz, you know, that sex tape wasn’t all that bad.
  • Things get awkward when, after claiming to have read the Bible constantly in jail, Paris can’t name one passage from the holy book that she likes. Just say the one with Jesus in it, Paris!
  • Larry ends the interview with the most unintentionally ironic send-off in American journalism to date: "Thank you, Paris Hilton. Tomorrow night, Colin Powell." I can’t wait to hear the General’s baby voice.

If you think you’re sick of Paris, check out this reporter for MSNBC having a mini-meltdown and refusing to cover the Hilton drama. How crazy does she get? Let’s just say it involves fire and and a paper shredder.

Finally, we leave you with this bit of wisdom directly from the jail canteen-purchased notepad and pen of Paris Hilton: They say when we reach a crossroad or turning point in life it really doesn’t matter how we got there, but what we do next after we get there.

So let this be a lesson to us all: after you hit that big turning point in life,  whatever it may be, what truly matters is what you do next. Make a difference? Change someone’s life? Or go on Larry King Live.

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