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Charm School Recap - Finale - Saaphyri, Queen of Queens
In the first episode of Charm School, Saaphyri wondered, "Where is that money?" And now she has an answer:
In her bank account. Boo ya!
Well, it all comes down to this:
Saaphyri’s boobs. What? You don’t like breasts?
Just kidding, although Saaphyri’s fairy pillows will play a prominent role in this episode. Really: how could they not?
But actually, what this whole thing comes down to is four girls: Saaphyri, Becky, Leilene and Shay. While Leilene is off somewhere not being a stripper but being a better person for having stripped, Becky and Saaphyri discuss the final stretch of the competition. Becky says that there are "certain people" whom she can’t see taking the $50,000 prize. Before you can say, "Hmmmm! Whoever could she be talking about?" Saaphyri pipes up, calling Shay a traitor. "And plus, I just don’t like her ass," says Saaphyri. What? You don’t like asses, Saaph?
Meanwhile, Shay sits all alone, looking pathetic, like Celie from The Color Purple waiting for the postman.
Shay reflects on her solitude, saying, "I don’t need nobody." That’s something only people who need people say. Regardless: Shay’s cold, black, she may even be friendless, but dear God she’s here. She’s here!
Soon, Mo’Nique announces over the P.A. what the final commandment will be:
She calls the girls downstairs to tell them that their next challenge will be a pop quiz on all of the lessons they’ve learned throughout their time at Charm School. They have one hour to study. Since they have time to prepare, it isn’t really a pop quiz. It’s more like a slow-fizz quiz. Whatever. A twist (of lime?) to the fizz is that the girls will be given questions that they must ask each other, which, as we’ll see, will give them the chance to strategize by ganging up on one of their peers. Because a school-girl uniform isn’t a school-girl uniform without a knife hanging out of its back.
The girls study. BFFs Saaphyri and Becky team up and practice together. Awesomeness ensues.
To remember all of the commandments, Saaphyri and Becky devise a mnemonic device — it’s a rap, basically, complete with beat-boxing and faux record-scratching from Saaphyri. It is far more catchy than it should be. Listen to it here, but be warned: it will be in your head for the rest of your life. Seriously: the enduring legacy of Charm School all comes down to these 30 seconds. It ends with Becky saying, "Now we fully fabulous / Look what Charm School made!" And then she does this:
She’s a little teapot that could use a few more hours in the kiln. Look what Charm School made, indeed.
Because they’re getting so far (read: nowhere) studying, Saaphyri and Becky begin to strategize.
Hold that thought, because we now cut to Leilene who is predictably frazzled.
Apparently, in addition to being a visual learner, Leilene is a liquid learner.
She says that she’s drinking while she studies to calm her nerves. Great idea! Since drinking helps you forget your problems, it’s exactly what you want to do when you’re trying to…remember things. Makes sense!
Eventually, Leilene makes her way up to Saaphyri and Becky’s room where they explain their plan to knock out Shay. Without hesitation or the drawing of a diagram or the presentation of an informational puppet show, Leilene agrees.
She’s come so far!
Meanwhile, Celie-Shay sits alone (as usual!), mumbling things to herself while she readies for the test.
She explains in a voice over that the majority of girls aren’t talking to her. And by "the majority" she means "each and every one." Keep studying, Shay. Learn your phrases.
And then, it’s time for the quiz, which less like a pop and/or fizz quiz, actually, and more like a quiz show.
The set-up is simple, really: the girls each have cards with questions on them. They go down the line, reading their questions and then choosing a girl to answer. The first girl to get three questions wrong is out of the competition. Becky voice overs that their strategy is foolproof and so it is. Leilene stumbles over a question about wholesale prices, but besides that, we see Shay pretty much being pummeled with questions. She gets two wrong almost immediately (including one about Mikki’s style steps, which: can you blame her for not absorbing what Mikki had to say about style?), much to Saaphyri’s delight.
And then, it seems like the plan’s backfiring and Shay fields question after question with the right answer. That’s the thing about Shay: she’s such a formidable opponent because she’s smart. This is all much to Saaphyri’s dismay. "Just go down, bitch! Go down!" says Saaphyri, who, apparently has taken up pimping in her spare time. Shay does indeed go down: she fumbles over a question about which fork you use on frog legs. It’s a trick question: you eat them with your hands. She shoulda just said, "I don’t eat that s***," as it would most likely have been correct and added another layer to the trickery.
Shay is eliminated. Mo tells her that this game is the only reason she’s out: she kicked butt and should leave with her held held high. That’s not happening, though.
Shay is destroyed and she feels betrayed. This would, to some, count as poetic justice if this show were, in fact, poetic.
Mo tells the remaining girls that their next challenge will be to write a speech about their dream and how winning Charm School (and the resulting money) will help them achieve it.
A checked and wrecked Shay gets ready to leave, when Mo’Nique intercepts her.
Shay thinks this is a big deal, as Mo has never stopped a girl before she left before. Not without calling her a "whore," anyway. Mo pulls Shay into her office and we hear Mo say, "I need your help." This is the fore (-shadowing) of Charm School!
Meanwhile, the girls prepare their speeches and guess who expresses her frustration most obviously.
You’re shocked. Admit it.
The girls, now through writing their speeches or whatever, convene downstairs. Mo’Nique announces that they’ll have a guest judge deciding who goes forward. Saaphyri wonders whom it could be. "I’m thinkin’, who could this be? Bill Clinton? He likes school girls!" First of all: he does? Interns count as school girls? What kind of anime do you watch, Saaphyri? Second of all: silly Saaphyri. If it were him, one of the commandments somewhere down the line would have been: "To Get Thy Foot in the Door, Thou Must Dirty Thy Knees."
Anyway, it’s no former commander in chief, but a newly appointed HBIC:
Ha! Mo says that she wanted Shay to judge the speeches to show the girls that the person they kick out of the way could provide their next opportunity. It’s like The Little Red Hen with extensions and neck rolling.
But will the jail the other girls planned for Shay be the one they rot in?
The speeches begin. The money will help Leilene pay for the education of her children. She adds that Charm School as made her a "stronger, newer, self-improved version of myself." Improved, yet redundant. That’s OK — she really does seem more confident. Becky’s speech reveals that she has gained a sense of value in herself an a sense of admiration for those around her. The latter point is so important, in fact, that she most values her friendship with Saaphyri. In closing, she pledges one half of her winnings to Saaphyri should she be the last person standing. Beautiful!
And then, there’s Saaphyri. Saaphyri says that when she looked at what she had prepared, it just seemed like "mumbo jumbo," so she decided to wing it. Saaphyri talks about being put down for being a "little ghetto girl" and adds, "In order to know me, you have to know me." Deep! She reveals that she doesn’t have a home and that the $50,000 would mean having a home to her. Well, that trumps everything else, now doesn’t it?
In response, Shay cries…
…Mo cries…
Soliders cry. And dogs cry. And doves cry. And I cry. We cry, we all f***in’ cry!
Shay runs through the girls’ speeches. She says that Saaphyri touched her the most, and that she understands why Saaphyri felt the way she did about her (because Shay is…frivolous? What?). They embrace.
Saapyhri says that via her tears, she let Saaphyri know that she’s human and not the "mean old green monster that I thought she was." She’s more like a nice, purple monster. It’s official: Shay is now Grimace. What the hell was Grimace supposed to be, anyway? A big, old, moldy hash brown? Anyone? Anyone?
So, Shay obviously chooses Saaphyri to be one of the girls to go forward. And then…uncertainty.
Mo voice overs that Shay’s indecisiveness proves that she’s become a better person. A better person, perhaps. A pain in the ass in restaurants, definitely. Shay really can’t come to a decision, so she turns the choice back over to Mo. Mo concurs with the choice of Saaphyri. She points out the confidence Leilene exhibited in her speech and ultimately chooses her. She asks Becky for her pin back. Becky voice overs that she got what she needed out of Charm School and that Saaphyri and Leilene need the money more than she does.
She adds that Buckwild didn’t go anywhere, but that she learned to like herself a lot more via Charm School. Becky Buckwild as a class act? Amazing. She really did get something out of this. It actually sucks seeing her go.
Shay says that she’s leaving feeling proud of herself, too.
As well she should. This is touching already and we haven’t even seen the new weaves or anything yet!
Speaking of that: Mo tells Saaphyri and Leilene that they will receive makeovers. First stop is Allen Schwartz, where we become more acquainted with Saaphyri’s breasts than we ever were as she tries on dress after dress with the help of a newly nice Keith.
Pretty amazing, right? Keith says, "There’s not a lot of places you can put those." Of the few places, however, all over your TV screen is one of them. The Internet is another. Saaphyri finally finds a dress that is acceptable.
Leilene’s up next. "I feel like Pretty Woman!" she exclaims. But before you can snort, she adds, "…but I’m not a hooker." Heh. Leilene’s sense of humor about herself is pretty great, actually. Exhibit B in that theory is this dress she picks out:
Keith gets on her for picking out something so stripper-ish, but you know, she’s just trying to be true to herself. She ends up going with something a bit more conservative. Something that’s more Kit DeLuca than Skinny Marie.
Then, it’s time for hair and makeup.
Saaphyri isn’t so sure about the salon because she doesn’t see any hair hanging up on racks. Oh, Saaphyri, and her weave-wearing ways! What a card. They take out her current two-toned weave, but she tells them that she wants to save her hair as she likes the colors.
She’s not saying that because she’s afraid that they’ll throw it out; she’s afraid it’s going to get up and walk out on its own. Doesn’t it look like an alien?
Meanwhile, when Leilene gets her hair done, she sips coffee and says it’s the best day of her life.
And, you know, considering how she’s been kicked around in the past, she might be telling the sad truth. Are you pulling for Leilene to find happiness like I am? She deserves it, damn it! She’s a damn good mother!!!!
Once the girls are all prettied up and go over all of their Charm School-oriented accomplishments via voice overs, it’s time for the final eliminations.
Mo reiterates what the girls just told us: they’ve both come a long way.
Leilene has become a strong, confident woman while Saaphyri’s rough edges have softened. You could still get cut on them, but they no longer have the power to take an eye out. Progress. Mo calls Leilene to the front.
She reminds Leilene how far she’s come before saying, "Unfortunately…" And then it’s obvious: Saaphyri is the winner of Charm School. To Leilene’s unending credit, she is extremely gracious.
Saaphyri, understandably, begins to lose it.
Mo informs Leilene that Dean Keith’s Morgan Talent Agency has offered her representation. At this, Leilene is ecstatic. "I’m gonna be in Hollywood pursuing the Hollywood dream!" she says. That sounds…arduous. But more power to her. Leilene seems more than eager for the challenge.
Almost chillingly so.
Meanwhile, Saaphyri collapses into Mo’s arms.
Mo presents her with the $50,000 check and something that’s even better than money:
Her Ugg Boots. Oh, sorry, did I say "better than?" I meant, "despite its self-reflexive cutsieness, not nearly as good as…" Easy mistake.
Mo explains that she chose Saaphyri because she changed people’s minds and stopped them from being judgmental. Well, you know what they say, if you changed one person, it’s all been worth it. Consider me that person. Go Saaphyri!
Saaphyri voice overs that without God, she never would have hit H-Town, which is what got her to Charm School. Saaphyri’s God must be the Old Testament, vengeful one, huh?
She drops to her knees and starts thanking God.
It would be awesome if Mo would say right now, "Suga, my name ain’t God. It’s Mo’Nique. But you can continue calling me that, if you like!" But alas — it’s not meant to be.
Saaphyri, in her final voice over, says that she’s a polished-up diamond. Not spit-shined or anything!
And so, Charm School comes to an end…until next week’s reunion, that is. You know it ain’t over till the fat lady puts the smack down on some skinny bitches in front of a live audience! Be here then.
