Live Blog: Flav Gets Roasted!

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The Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav

We had exclusive backstage reporting access when the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav taped July 22 in Los Angeles. Now that the show’s finally made it to air, you can check our opinions on what went down against your own via our live blog of the event below. Check out what made it to the tube and what ended up on the cutting-room floor (remember, read bottom-to-top):

12:47 AM – And with that, the show is over. In just two hours and 20 minutes, Flav was raked over the coals so much that he barely has any skin left. Check back tomorrow for red-carpet pics and anecdotes.

12:46 AM – Flav says hi to the Flavor of Love girls in the audience and he doesn’t insult them. At all! Amazing!

12:45 AM – Flavor Flav is back on top. We know that because he says so. And really, after being insulted for two hours, up was the only way to go.

12:44 AM – Lisa’s nickname is “5-0.” I’ll let you guess how that relates to her much-discussed interest in black men.

12:42 AM – Jimmy Kimmel’s called “Funny” because “you should hear it at least once before you die.” OK, we’re back on track. Flav also compares Jimmy’s face to Forrest Whitaker’s, which is actually really insightful. Seriously: they’re ringers.

12:41 AM – Sommore’s Flav name is based on a Hurricane Katrina joke. Not going there.

12:39 AM – Carrot Top gets a name referencing his whiteness. Deep.

Brigitte Nielsen12:39 AM – Brigitte gets a two-name nickname that references her breasts twice and uses a “Mc.” It’s our guess as to what words have come together to bestow such an honor.

12:37 AM – Snoop is “Fizzle” because “that’s what all your jokes did.” No wizzle!

12:36 AM – Ice-T is “Fat-T.” How Garbage Pail Kids.

12:35 AM – Oh wait, yes it does. Flav just talks a lot between his points. Katt is “Sickle Cell” because “only black people get you.” Awesome.

12:35 AM – Flav to roasters: I’m gonna give all of you nicknames. As promising as this sounds, it doesn’t pan out. Sadness.

12:34 AM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 9. Well, he did say that he was f***ed up.

12:32 AM – Flav: “After listening to all these jokes about me, I realized something: I’m f***ed up.” This show, in addition to being funny, is also educational.

12:32 AM – Guess Flav’s first word. If you didn’t say, “Woooooooooow,” you clearly have not watched VH1 in the past two years.

12:31 AM – Flav pulls out a pimp cup that’s so big, he could live in it. Comfortably.

12:30 AM – And now: the moment we’ve all been waiting for. “He’s an icon, subversive, prolific and probably a bunch of other words he doesn’t understand,” goes Katt’s into to Flav.

12:22 AM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 8. This one was Imus-esque, too. The show just got infinitely longer.

12:22 AM – Lisa refers to Flav as the “Urkel of VH1.” Did she do that?

12:22 AM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 7. It must really suck to go last.

12:21 AM – Brigitte Nielsen rehab joke count: 4.

12:20 AM – Lisa makes a reference to Greg Giraldo and I’m all, “obtuse!” until I realize that she’s talking about someone on the bill. Who already roasted. Long show.

12:17 AM – Lisa makes a particularly blue joke about the size of Patton Oswalt’s hands and extreme sex and it’s clear that not only will it be hard for Lisa to get half of what she says on air. It really can’t even be printed here lest readers instantaneously be covered by a thin layer of filth.

12:13 AM – Lisa makes some obtuse joke about Sommore’s IUD and Sommore looks PISSED. Apparently, Sommore’s birth control is no laughing matter.

12:13 AM – “Flavor Flav is such a bad father he calls Alec Baldwin for fathering advice,” says Lisa. DATED. Check one of Flav’s clocks, Lise.

12:13 AM – Lisa refers to Flav as “Flavor Flahv.” Classy.

12:11 AM – Lisa Lampanelli, the “queen of mean,” is the final roaster. She looks like Madonna did at that Video Music Awards when she had that tete-a-tete with Courtney Love. Well, she looks like two Madonnas standing side-by-side.

12:10 AM – We return after a break and it turns out that Katt agrees with my last statement: “I just want you to realize that you’re at a Comedy Central roast and you just saw Snoop come up and be 10 times funnier than any other m**********r in the room.”

Snoop Dogg12:02 AM – Snoop’s the official highlight at this point. Way funnier than anyone would expect.

12:01 AM – Now Snoop is roasting Flav with a rap to the cadence of “Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang.” Choice line: “You look like one of my blunts, but only smaller.”

12:00 AM – Snoop is may more lucid than he initially let on. Maybe he smoked himself into some Bizarro World where substance helps him pull himself together.

11:58 PM – Snoop on Ice-T: “When I saw you I thought you was throwing up gang signs, but then I realized it was just your arthritis.” That’s about as mean has he’s getting with Ice. Respect.

11:56 PM – Snoop compares Carrot Top to the Bride of Chucky. Carrot Top seriously looks like he has to go cry.

11:55 PM – After ecstatic applause, we hear Snoop’s first words: “On some real s***: I am f***ed up right now.” Goody!

11:54 PM – Katt says, “This next roaster’s marijuana…” which could only mean one thing: Snoop’s up.

11:52 PM – Patton takes note of the “giant” women in the room: Brigitte, Lisa and Chyna Doll, who’s in the audience. People are obsessed with height, but fair enough. It’s like the amazons versus the elves here (and only some of those elves are wielding unfunny props).

11:51 PM – Patton on Carrot Top: “Do you make those props yourself or is it a workshop of unfunny elves?”

11:49 PM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 6. But it involves an H.G. Wells reference so it’s way highbrow.

11:47 PM – Patton Oswalt’s up. He calls Katt a “pimp in a thimble.” I now wish I’d counted the number of jokes about Katt’s height.

11:43 PM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 5. “You’re welcome, ladies,” says Brigitte, referencing how things didn’t work out with Flav on Strange Love.

11:43 PM – Another Flav viking helment joke. But this one involves oral sex. Oooh! New spin!

11:41 PM – Brigitte on Flav’s penis: “It’s like Katt Williams but funnier.”

11:41 PM – Brigitte on black men’s penises: “Don’t believe the hype.”

11:41 PM – Brigitte lets go a string of jokes that don’t work. “Don’t blame me, I didn’t write it,” she says, getting her biggest laugh yet. Ah, irony.

11:39 PM – Brigitte: “I would f*** anyone to be on TV.” People don’t laugh. There’s a fine line between a statement and a joke.

11:38 PM – Brigitte rehab joke count: 3. Of those that are self-administered: 1. Brigitte hits the stage practically riding the elephant in the room.

11:37 PM – Katt on Carrot Top’s props: “How sad is it when you have to go into your actual routine during a roast?”

11:37 PM – Carrot Top ends his set by giving Flav another clock with just 15 minutes on it. It’d be funny if it were true, but you know, at this point, Flav’s kinda evergreen.

11:36 PM – Carrot Top makes a Hitler joke. It does not go over well. He’s been getting so many laughs that now that seems amazing.

11:34 PM – One of said props is a mini-grandfather clock on a chain — since Flav’s getting old. The crickets that should be chirping are, apparently, on strike. People dig it!

11:33 PM – Carrot Top busts out the props — to applause! Wonders never cease.

11:32 PM – “So Snoop’s here tonight. Somebody tell him,” says Carrot Top. Wow. Carrot Top is actually funny. Pigs are flying all around a rapidly freezing hell, no doubt.

11:31 PM – Carrot Top hits the stage. “What the f*** did I do to any of you people?” He actually might be injured after all the jokes about the state of his face. The state of his face now is one of sadness.

DJ Spinnderella11:29 PM – Spindarella cuts it up two times, mixing Public Enemy’s “Don’t Believe the Hype” and “Can’t Truss It.” Spindarella is officially my new hero.

11:26 PM – Jeff’s off. Katt calls him “Roastmaster General,” but his act was more “Colonel Sanders.” Kinda crappy and chicken.

11:26 PM – Jeff’s off. Katt calls him “Roastmaster General,” but his act was more “Colonel Sanders.” Kinda crappy and chicken.

11:24 PM – Jeff goes in for a joke about Ice-T’s wife, Coco and then stops. Smart man.

11:21 PM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 4. Well, I’m actually just counting Jeff’s block of Flavor of Love girls jokes. He’s kind of wailing on them.

11:20 PM – The jokes about Flav’s viking hat are now too numerous to count. I wish I’d started.

11:18 PM – Jeff Ross hits the stage with an obtuse joke comparing Flav to Bushwick Bill. I get it. Even so, don’t expect it to make it on air.

11:16 PM – Flavor of Love girls joke count: 3 – Katt says the show is becoming a battle of pimps versus h**s. It’s actually kind of unfair that they don’t get to roast back and have to sit in the audience and take what people say about them. Just sayin’.

11:15 PM – Ice makes a joke about the lengths to which the Flavor of Love girls will go to be on TV. The Flavor of Love girls are, once again, not amused.

11:14 PM – Ice-T’s joke about Flav’s former names (“Toasty Toast,” “Stanky Smell”) falls totally flat. Other than that, his particularly brutal routine is decent. For a rapper-turned-actor.

11:12 PM – Breaking! Breaking! Ice-T has not had sex with Lisa Lampanelli. Her interest in black men has already been well-documented that this comes as a revelation.

11:11 PM – Jimmy’s done and Ice-T’s up. “If you thought his acting was bad, wait till you see his comedy,” says Katt. A more promising intro has not yet been delivered.

Jimmy Kimmel11:09 PM – Jimmy on Flav: “We might as well enjoy him now before Oprah has him destroyed.” So far, Jimmy’s wiped the floor with everyone who came before him. I mean that just short of literally.

11:08 PM – Jimmy’s retort? “Yeah, that’s a great way to change people’s perceptions.” Touché!

11:07 PM – Jimmy refers to the Flavor of Love girls as “whores.” Many, including Deelishis, Schatar, Leilene, Becky and Shay are the audience. To that, they all salute Jimmy with their middle fingers.

11:05 PM – Jimmy bemoans Lisa Lampanelli’s weightloss, saying it’s now hard to make fat jokes about her. “Thank god for ugly jokes,” says Jimmy to a rapturous round of laughter from Lisa herself. Amazing that a woman whose job description involves saying the words “c******r,” “c**t,” and “m**********r” is, really, a class act.

11:04 PM – Brigitte rehab joke count: 2.

11:02 PM – Jimmy Kimmel hits the stage with an obtuse joke comparing Sommore to the ’80s funk act Cameo. I don’t really get it. Don’t expect that one to make the air.

11:01 PM – Sommore’s off. She’s a “nice-looking raggedy car,” says Katt. Not an amazingly funny joke, but isn’t “raggedy” like, the best word ever?

11:00 PM – Sommore also refers to Akon as a “rapper” (he’s mentioned in reference to Flav’s skin tone — apparently, Flav makes Akon look like an albino). Sommore’s flubs are about as awesome as her words that come out right.

10:58 PM – Sommore calls Jimmy Kimmel “Jimmy Kimbel.” Even though it’s by mistake, it’s an early contendor for the most savage joke of the night.

10:57 PM – Sommore keeps on Katt, saying it’s nice to have George Jefferson back. This is particularly hilarious coming from a woman who looks kinda like and sounds exactly like Weezie.

10:55 PM – Sommore hits the stage, saying of the diminutively statured Katt, “I don’t know whether to f*** him or change him.”

10:50 PM – Salt-N-Pepa’s DJ and tonight’s musical entertainment Spinderella cuts it up one time.

10:48 PM – After a particularly race-obsessed routine, Greg exits the stage. “Let’s give it up one more time for Michael Richards.” At this point, I realize how nice it is to not have to make up the jokes and just reiterate them.

10:44 PM – Greg calls Jimmy Kimmell “overrated,” to the gasps of the audience. “That was the one that got you?” Right?

10:42 PM – Greg makes fun of Flav’s crown.

10:40 PM – Greg Giraldo is the first comedian to hit the stage. Within his first two minutes, he’s already taken down Katt’s hair, Lisa Lampanelli’s taste for black men, Ice-T’s age and Brigitte’s rehab. For the latter, he tells her, “It’s good to see you sitting up.”

10:39 PM – Of note: a post Brigitte Nielsen is in the building and on the stage!

10:38 PM – The introductions continue with Katt offering the most succint description of Carrot Top’s current appearance: “If Ronald McDonald f***ed Wendys.”

10:34 PM – Katt warns that there will be a gratiutious use of the “N word” tonight. Duh, it’s a roast. Except, Katt explains the N is for “nobodies.” Talent intro begins.

10:32 PM – Flav hits the stage as “Fight the Power” pumps. It wouldn’t be bettter if Rosie Perez were here dancing in spandex.

10:30 PM – True story: Pumkin’s infamous loogie aimed at New York still elicits gasps…from an auditorium full of people.

10:29 PM – A look back at the life and times of Flav, “none of which he can remember,” according to Katt.

10:27 PM – “I came to honor a friend the collection agency knows as William Drayton,” so begins the Katt Williams’ intro of Flav. IRS jokes already? Harsh. What’ll they make fun of next, Flav’s crown?

Pre-show – What would this roast be without the girls of Charm School? Click to see full-size pics of the ladies arriving on the red carpet.

Saaphyri Windsor Charm School’s Becky Johnston

Schatar Taylor Leilene Ondrade

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