Oh Yes They Did: Monday’s Reviews Rage

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Lindsay Lohan in better days.Although this is cruel and unusual and probably qualifies as an editorial instance of kicking a blind and sleeping three-legged dog with steel-toed boots, the following is a reviews round-up of Lindsay Lohan’s I Know Who Killed Me. Every week at VH1.comwe round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. Usually we do this on Fridays. But since I Know Who Killed Me wasn’t screened for critics–wise choice, as it turns out–we waited until Monday to deliver the news. Very few movies can claim to have been so brutally excoriated by the press, but that’s one area where Ms. Lohan’s latest vehicle succeeds admirably.

I Know Who Killed Me: Dead on arrival. Bomb hasn’t got a leg to stand on.” — The New York Post

“Hopelessly muddled plot about a maimed young woman who may be a delusional escapee from a serial killer’s dungeon (think “Captivity” meets “Kiss the Girls”). Pic might possibly benefit, B.O.-wise, from tabloid coverage of Lohan’s ongoing travails. But, then again, probably not.” — Variety

“An unknown sicko is kidnapping the teenage girls of New Salem and lopping off their limbs in stages. Aubrey [Lohan] is the latest to disappear, but then she’s unexpectedly found two weeks later in the woods, missing a hand and a leg. One problem: She now claims she’s not Aubrey but a hard-bitten teen stripper named Dakota Moss (it sounds like a color you’d paint a nursery). This shocks Aubrey’s suburban parents (Neal McDonough and Julia Ormond), although her boyfriend (Brian Geraghty) is delighted that Aubrey is now putting out. It also means we get to see Lohan pole-dance lewdly and have wild amputee sex while keeping just enough clothes on to cover her career. Do you think the girl wants to shock us?” — The Boston Globe

“What was Lohan — whose promising career already has taken a few hits with such films as Just My Luck and Georgia Rule — thinking when she signed on to this nonsense?” — The Hollywood Reporter

“The most shocking thing about this ludicrous serial-killer shocker, released the week troubled 21-year-old former child star Lindsay Lohan was arrested on DUI and cocaine-possession charges, is that it’s the kind of film actresses generally make when their careers are well and truly on the skids.” — TV Guide

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