Today’s news of Britney’s Dorito-filled, ice cream-soothing, Coke-through-nipple parenting tickled the trash fiend in me. But really, why should she stop there? Is Britney trash or is she traaaaaaaaaaaash? If she wants to keep her reputation, she’ll listen to our advice and implement the following tools and products guaranteed to raise a toddler good. Who knows? Maybe they’ll come out like her!
For example, when the kids want to be fed but are too lazy to chew solid food, I suggest:
Because nothin’ says lovin’ like Velveeta.
Many more after the jump…
This right here’s a baby monitor. Oh sure, it’s a simple concept, but who can mess with such a classic design?
Here’s a baby mobile that takes full advantage of the soothing power of soda. Ah, the lulling sounds of aluminum tapping. It’s like training wheels for the future barfly.
Yum! Lollipop cigarette butts…just the way mommy likes them! Only…with sticks.
Because a child who isn’t wrapped up like a fish is a child neglected.
Why play in a sandbox when you can get infinitely dirtier and, perhaps, diseased in a mulch box! First one who eats a rotten apple core wins a prize!
Chester Cheetah plush toys are a must for any munchin’ munchkin. Pro: It doubles as a babysitter (I mean, it clearly can take care of children better than Brit). Con: After cuddling with it, you’ll be covered in an orange, smelly powder. Whatever, like anything in life, it’s a trade-off.