Every week we round up selections from the funniest, most obscene and brutal film criticism out there so that you don’t waste your cash at the theaters and laugh a little at Hollywood’s expense. This week: El Cantante is the story of Hector Lavoe, the king of salsa, brought to the big screen by real-life married couple Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. You’d think, seeing how they’re married, there’d be some chemistry on screen. But no, apparently chemistry costs too much.
“Four years ago, Jennifer Lopez paired up to star in a film with then-boyfriend Ben Affleck, and the result was the famously incompetent Gigli. Apparently she didn’t learn her lesson back then.” — The Newark Star Ledger
“Worse . . . Jennifer Lopez tries to make the film about her; miscast as Lavoe’s missus, Puchi, Lopez hides behind aging makeup that makes her look like Bebe Neuwirth.” — The Village Voice
“The music is as irresistible as the tired story of a musician succumbing to substance abuse is resistible.” — The Hollywood Reporter
“[The director] wallows in the decadence of the drug-fueled era, as if he’d watched Ted Demme’s Blow a few times too many . . . . It’s so obvious at times, it plays like a parody.” — Associated Press
“A virtual template of every imaginable cliche of the musical biopic, pic suffers . . . partly stemming from the need for producer-star Jennifer Lopez . . . to have a co-leading part with substantial playing time alongside Marc Anthony. . . . While pic’s assured a few good weeks based on J-Lo’s fan base, this gig is headed South in short order.” — Variety