In this episode, Rock of Love proves what we kinda already knew: when girls are given impossible tasks and filmed attempting to perform them, magic happens.
All together now:
We resume where we left off — it’s just after last week’s elimination and Brandi C is mourning the loss of her best friend Kristia (you know, the one that she met, like, five days ago):
“I need to drown my sorrows with liquor,” she says. It’s sort of impressive that she knows this cliche, but then, it’s sort of impressive that Brandi C knows how to construct complete sentences. Honestly, I’d expect her to say something like, “I need to drown my sorrows…in a well.” And then when you caught her out back and were like, “Brandi C, what on earth are you doing?” her response would be a single, deadpan, “Meow.” Anyway, the point is that Brandi C is not to be underestimated. Or maybe the point is that sorrows are not kittens, lest Lacey attempt to wring the sorrow out of everyone for the sake of hoarding and protecting them. Which, actually, given her sadism, is exactly what seems to be going on. Maybe sorrows are kittens in disguise. Hmmm.
Anyway, remember how Rodeo seemed really pulled-together on the first episode only to get crazy via an idealogical battle with her bikini top on the second episode? Yeah, well, uh, she’s flip-floppin’ again.
As the other girls writhe and shake their upper bodies like they’re trying to put out the imaginary fire on their nipples (they’re just hot like that), Rodeo gets totally serious and lets us know that she’s missing her son.
It’s all fun and games until a Rodeo turns tragic.
Lacey is thrilled. “I see Rodeo’s breakdown as an opportunity,” she explains. Yet another fine example of Lacey’s compassionate lifestyle.
Lacey lets Bret know that Rodeo’s upset. Bret consoles her but tells us, “I just wasn’t sure how long she would last in this crazy house of rock.” Oh House of Rock — you give so much to the viewers and take away so much from the inhabitants. It’s reality TV’s answer to nature’s law.
And then we cut to Brandi C who’s awesomely smashed.
“I wish I was as drunk as I look,” she says. Oh, but you’ll look back in pain on how drunk you sound. Seriously, who says, “I wish I was as drunk as I look,” except for drunks?
Brandi C continues showing how not drunk she is when she throws a temper tantrum to get into Bret’s room.
Big John won’t let her in because Bret is resting. Say what? I wish I was as drunk as Bret is acting, for that’s the only excuse why he’d turn down whatever Brandi C’s offering. Isn’t that the whole point of this show? It could be called Rock of Love starring Bret Michaels…and Va-jay-jay.
But no-way-way is the final answer and Brandi C goes to bed with her stomach empty, you might say.
The next day, Bret calls the girls in for the day’s challenge. Because he is a human and not a rooster, he can’t cock-a-doodle-doo and must, instead, resort to a harmonica.
OMG, how awesome would this show be if it were Rock-a-Doodle of Love, and instead of Bret Michaels, it would feature a cartoon chicken (animated by Don Bluth) over whom real girls would fight? Bret’s great, but just in case anyone needs an idea for a second season, that one’s golden.
“As you know, music is my life…” Bret says. Hm. That’s an OK way to start a sentence, but it doesn’t really hold a candle to, “As you know, I love to rock…” Please hang up and try again, and for the love of god: don’t threaten me with a good time. Bret explains to the girls that he needs a woman who’s musically inclined. Therefore, today’s challenge will find them writing songs and then performing them in groups of two. Ha. Here’s where Rock of Love ceases being a reality show and, instead, becomes a showcase for outsider art. VH1 is getting really edgy in its old age, no? The girls will have their choice of two songs from Bret’s solo album — an uptempo and a ballad. The theme will be, “Love Is…” Because nothing says “rock” like two naked eight-year-olds who are married, right?
The teams will be, as follows: Heather and Magdalena, Jes and Brandi M, Lacey and Erin, Sam and Brandi C, and Rodeo and Mia. Heather complains about being on a team with Magdalena, explaining that we already saw the extent of Mag’s musical skills so far. Cut to one of the highlights of the season so far:
It’s Magdalena singing to Bret in the phone-sex challenge, except her voice is pitched down a bit for maximum hilarity. If that the prospect of Magdalena pursuing you doesn’t make you sweat-ay, your glands don’t work.
The girls get to work and Rodeo, in true Rodeo fashion, continues to prove how awesome she is. (Spoiler alert! You know if she stuck around beyond this episode, she would have eventually turned out to be Wiccan or recited her favorite Pynchon passage or sprouted wings and flew around the house because seriously, the woman only gets more awesome as time goes on.)
Rodeo shows off her songwriting progress: “…While we watch our kids at play under a rainbow of never-ending love.” Whoa. That’s a lot to process. The only thing that could make it more perfect is if the occasionally puppet-like Brandi C came out with an acoustic, singing about the lovers, the dreamers, and she.
And then, something truly amazing happens. Mia speaks!
In what, I think, is her first OTF ever (unless she had one during the premiere — hard to remember, a lot of stuff happened that night), she questions Rodeo’s songwriting. “What the f*** is wrong with her, and what is she thinking?” With this Mia ponders reality TV’s answered to “Why is the sky blue?” We’ll never know for sure, but we could talk about it for days.
Rodeo, again in true Rodeo fashion, again proves to be her own biggest fan. After singing about the kids at play and never-ending rainbows, she leaps:
She also proclaims her lyrics “awesome” and has one of those wheezing attacks we’ve come to expect and, in my case at least, love. Everyday is a high-pollen-count day in Rodeo’s world.
Then, we see Brandi C and Sam at work. It’s going well because Sam’s been writing poems the entire time they’ve been there in what Brandi C deems a “creepy little journal.” Brandi C calls it “creepy” because she finds literacy frightening.
Anyway, Sam’s poems will provide the basis of their work.
And then Magdaentertainer and Heather work on their song.
“This is my love. So what ‘love’ rhymes with? Something is taking above. That’s when I know that I’m in love. Yes! Write it down. Seriously.” Scoff if you will, but her English is almost certainly better than your Polish, so…yeah.
And then, more awesomeness worthy of a leap.
Rodeo and Mia practice more, this time to the other, more rockin’ track. “Watch our kids in L.A. sunlight,” is what Rodeo proposes as a lyric. Mia shoots her down because she clearly has no taste. In an interview, Rodeo laments having to cut out yet another lyric. It went, “I would love you just like a rainbow that’s endless in a sky / Grab our kids L.A. style, let’s love right / Baby because I wanna fly.” Rodeo’s really into rainbows, right? Also, how does one grab one’s kids L.A. style? With cocaine caked on your hands? With hands that have been surgically altered to look youthful and emaciated? With hired hands? Is this a trick lyric?
Lacey, who thinks she has this in the bag since she’s, like, Prince or whatever and can play a million instruments at the same time while holding her breath (at that, Rodeo’s all, “Whatever, wheezing is playing an instrument!”), gets frustrated with Erin who can’t keep a beat on a tambourine.
Karma may or may not be a bitch, but one thing’s for sure: it has clown t**s.
Jes and Brandi M are silly and cute and boozy…
…and seriously, they don’t have to be anything else.
And then it is time for the show. And oh what a show it is. Helping Bret judge will be this guy:
You know how Simon Cowell is ultimately purposeless in the scheme of American Idol? Meet his counterpart! As if Bret was going to listen to anyone besides his own heart of rock!
Lacey and Erin are first.
Lacey’s singing is mauled by Erin’s not-even-primative grasp of percussion. The same way a lion mauls a gazelle, or, to put it in PETA terms, broccoli mauls the taste of tofu in the dish of General Tso’s bean curd.
Then go Magdalena and Heather.
Magdada intones, “I never saw you, I never touched you.” Gee, I can’t imagine why.
And then, it’s Jes and Brandi M:
They do a ranty thing that sounds a lot like Bikini Kill, seems to satirize the whole rock wife dilemma (which, btw, is sort of like the “sports wife” dilemma but with more Aqua Net and cleavage) and ends with them both screaming, “Ow!” This is obviously the best song not only in the competition, but in the universe.
And then, it’s time for Rodeo and Mia:
So, they’re in love now? Their song is…pretty. But not as pretty as Rodeo’s…god, what is that? A corset? A bustier? Her own personal prison? Heather, hilariously (but for no intentional reasons) refers to them as “worse and more worse.” She actually starts to call them, “Worse and Worser,” which she really should have just committed to for the sake of artistic parallel, but no matter. Rodeo and Mia do have the strongest dismount, though: at the end, when the music cuts out, they yell, “Rock!” and do this:
Just in case you didn’t know that was rock. Bret immediately asks Rodeo about the fact that she wrote about kids. The most succinct way to sum up Rodeo’s reasons for doing so is: Rodeo believes that children are the future.
Brandi C, meanwhile, does not believe in the future at all.
Finally, it’s time for Sam and Brandi C to perform.
If you can pull your eyes away from Brandi C’s eyeshadow and don’t get caught up gawking at her hair, you can download their track here. At one point Brandi C messes up and thinks it’s hilarious:
If ignorance is bliss, Brandi C’s hometown is Nirvana. Seriously, the girl’s got the roots of a bodhi tree all tangled in her brain. Which probably explains a lot about processing, come to think of it.
And then, it’s time for evaluations.
Magdathinker and Heather’s lyrics are praised. Uhhhh…OK. Richard Blade didn’t like Jes and Brandi M’s pantomimed guitar-playing. “Pull the stick out of your ass, Richard, it was a joke,” says Brandi M in an interview. On America’s Next Top Model, talk like that has gotten girls in trouble. Here, it’s a punchline. This show is amazing. Erin and Lacey song was brought down by Erin’s lack of charisma. Rodeo and Mia turned everyone off with the kids thing. That is such dudeish judging criteria. Brandi C and Sam’s lyrics were good, but their singing was bad. No matter: they win! And so do Magdaraemi and Heather! It’s a tie! Everyone hates that!
Rodeo, in fact, cries over what went down because she feels like she’s somehow been accused of using her kid to try and win a challenge. She really hasn’t, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t get a great OTF out of this.
“Kids love music and I’m trying to bring them into good music. And I love rock and I love country. That’s why I wear my hat. That’s why kids love me,” says Rodeo, through tears. We get a good five seconds of her sniffling and just standing there looking around after.
Because, really, what could you say after that?
Brandi C comments on Rodeo’s situation with:
Kinda puts everything into perspective…or, uh, not.
For his date with Heather and Magdalena, Bret takes them to a restaurant called the Geisha House. If anyone detects the irony of the restaurant’s name given Bret’s current living situation, no one lets on.
Magdainstigator mentions something about Heather’s stripping, much to Heather’s chagrin. If she isn’t swinging from a pole giving free stripper lessons, apparently you aren’t allowed to mention her chosen vocation. She explains that she got into stripping four and a half years ago and told herself that she’d do it for five years. Basically, she has six months left. Magdatruthful says that the whole I’m-on-my-way-out bit is a classic stripper line. I’ve seen Showgirls, Strip Tease, Exotica and I Know Who Killed Me, and so I have the authority to tell you that what Magdalena says is correct.
Bret presents the girls with guitars.
Hopefully, this means that the duo of Magdaheather have many, many more songs on the way.
On the way home, they share a three-way kiss.
And things only progress from there.
While Brandi M inexplicably/explicably looks queasy…
…(inexplicably, because we’re never actually explained how much she’s drunk, but explicably because…look where she is)…Heather smashes a guitar.
So much for that hands-off-the-guitars rule.
Bret explains, “The party was getting out of control and it possibly could kill me. And I’m not talking about in a good dying way, but an actual dying way.” And so he retires to his room with Brandi C, Lacey and Heather, the only girls who are left up.
Oh yes they did.
The next day, the other girls have caught wind about the possible four-gy that went on the night before. Lacey says that she refuses to answer any of “you guys’ questions.” Sam feels like she can’t trust Bret if he’s cheating on her before they’re even together.
Complaining about sex in the Rock of Love house is like complaining about rock in the Rock of Love house. It’s like complaining about love in the Rock of Love house. It’s like complaining about of in the Rock of Love house!
Whatever. It’s time for Bret’s date with Brandi C and Sam, which will be to a horse ranch. This makes Rodeo cry some more because she wanted to ride horses with Bret. Yee-naw, Rodeo. Yee-naw.
Brandi C interviews about horses.
“I love the way that they smell. Not, like, when they’re going to the bathroom, but they just smell good.” Whether a horse is or isn’t, it always smells like it’s going to the bathroom. Is Brandi C so far beyond kinky that I can’t even ponder the extent of her kink in this space? I’m going to guess that the answer is yes.
They have a little picnic and Bret gives Sam and Brandi C acoustic guitars.
Brandi C smells hers.
It kind of makes you wonder what it smells like when a guitar goes to the bathroom.
Bret and Sam have a one-on-one discussion in which she pours her heart out to him.
She has trust issues because her dad cheated on her mom. Bret somehow shows that he’s understanding and trustworthy. By the end of the conversation, Sam’s his for the taking. He’s really that good.
As we’ll see during this week’s elimination…
The hair’s bigger…
…the Lacey’s prettier…
…and the setup is…different. Bret wastes no time in his first elimination — he calls Rodeo up and tells her that he has to let her go.
He says the house is too crazy for her, which, be that as it may, is sort of her decision, you know? Ugh. This sucks. He’s determined to let her go with dignity, though. He gives her the hat on his head, saying, “I had this thing made.”
He had a hat made! That’s the ultimate sign of affection in this house…or could it be that he’s merely regifting the hat Tiffany had made? Hmmmm. Bret escorts Rodeo to the door, sniffling the whole way. If it’s that hard, don’t let her go, Bret! Who’s going to laugh until she has an asthma attack? Who’s going to break up the fights in a no-nonsense mom manner? Who’s going to intimidate the rest of the girls with her muscles? I’ll take care of the rainbows, but then, who’s going to collect the swords. WHO?!?!?
Until we meet again, Rodeo. I’ll know it’s you when I see the wings.
And then, perhaps even more bizarrely, Mia is called first.
Must have been the sapphic duet.
And then, another terrible thing happens: Bret lets go of Brandi C!
That’s so terrible. Bret breaks the rationale of his decision down by naming the rose and the thorn of it. Seriously. Even more seriously: “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” plays in the background as he does so. It’s actually kind of moving. The rose is that Brandi C’s a free spirit. The thorn is that their relationship was probably based solely on sex. And that’s a thorn…how?
Well, because Bret has decided that he needs more than that. To underscore this, tonight he and the girls toast not with alcohol…
…but with bottled water. Oh snap, it’s about to get classy up in here. Yous ready?