Scott Baio Is 45…and Single Brief-cap – Episode 4 – Hell Isn’t for Children; Hell Is Children


Here’s what Scott’s face looks like when he’s confronted with kids:


Stone. Cold. Fear.

We pick up where we left off — Scott received a call from Renee saying her daughter is in town and he’d like to meet her. He asks Doc Ali for a “Get of Jail Free” card.


She’s all, “Kiss my Wonderbread with some water on the side for dippin’.” Just kidding. She thinks it’s a great idea for Scott to meet Renee’s daughter. Amnesty granted. In fact, this is such a good idea that it sets Doc Ali on a kid kick, if you will. She asks Scott if he’d make a good father. “I’m a good dog owner,” he says. As Renee’s daughter is basically the subject at hand, what the hell does Scott’s response say about his view of young women. Don’t answer that. Doc asks if anyone Scott’s dated has kids now. A few women do, including Sheila Kennedy. Doc asks if she was a Playmate.


Penthouse,” says Scott, pointing. This is actually a good distinction to make as there’s a sizable difference between what goes on in Playboy and what goes on in Penthouse (or, at least there was in the ’80s). However, what that difference is isn’t so printable in a family blog.

Scott’s told to meet with Sheila and, adding insult to nursery, Doc wants him to spend some time at a daycare owned by her friend. Scott doesn’t so much wince at the prospect as he does shut down entirely.


That’s his make-the-world-and-all-its-sperm-go-away expression.

First up is Sheila who seems pleasant enough at first…


…but clearly harbors major resentment. She won’t meet with him indoors, for one thing. She has him meet outside her gym and then basically talks to him while she’s loading the car en route to pick up her kid. Scott explains to Sheila that he hired a life coach. She asks why. “Because I want to get married and have a kid.” Sheila’s response is awesome: “Oh god. No.” It’s as though she’s afraid that Scott’s spawn will be predatory. And really, when it gets to be a certain age and mingles with the opposite sex, the chances are probable. Scott’s DNA seems strong like that, you know? Sheila’s patience for Scott quickly runs out and really, it’s probably best to stay out of her way when her patience runs out lest you be confronted with the phrase, “SHEILA MAD!!!”


Check out those guns!


She is She-Hulk. It’s clear that Sheila has never forgiven Scott for showing up on the set of Charles in Charge with Pam Anderson (Sheila had a bit part and thought that she and Scott were exclusive). So many women on this show are the emotional equivalents of crock pots. They’re stewing for, like, 20 years! “You really shouldn’t have children. I just don’t think that’s a good thing,” says Sheila before zooming off. Scott tells her that it was nice seeing her.


She has no reply. Dissed and dismissed! Scott gets in the final word to the camera on the matter in the car when he says, “At least she still had a nice rack.” If you felt a little bad for him during the Sheila encounter, well, now you don’t.

Next Scott visits the daycare that belongs to Doc Ali’s friend.



He sits on the floor and a bunch of little girls tell him when they have to leave. Scott makes women of all ages at least consider fleeing, it seems. The youth of today is so smart.

Scott paints with the kids and they kind of make a mess that he really isn’t equipped to handle.


And then he naps, because when faced with children, sometimes the best way to handle them is to simply shut down.


Then, it’s time for Scott to meet Renee’s daughter. He decides to visit Costco first to “get her something nice.” God, is he from Brooklyn, or what?


Yeah, good luck finding “nice” amongst disposable plastic half-bodies.

He and his brahs run into this lady who makes them lift things and suggests he buy Renee’s daughter a blender.


More importantly, she reveals the number of cats she has:


Seriously! She also reveals that she was married for 17 years, but her husband ran off with her neighbor. Coming next fall from VH1: Cat Lady Is Older Than You…and Single. Somehow seems less lighthearted than Scott Baio Is 45…and Single, no?

Scott disregards Cat Lady’s advice and instead buys Renee’s daughter a toaster oven and candles.


So nice, you’d swear it was designer.

Scott goes to Renee’s house and her daughter is walking the dog.


Oooh, illicit reunion! And it feels so…naughty. Scott pulls Renee into the room, virtually with his penis alone, and asks how much time they have. Renee surmises 10 or 15 minutes. “I need three,” is Scott’s response. Ha! Scott’s the man. The three-minute man, but the man all the same. Renee fends him off, because seriously, there are cameras everywhere.

Soon Renee’s daughter comes in and we’re formally introduced. Her name is Caitlyn.


Scott gives her the present. When she realizes it’s a toaster oven, Caitlyn deadpans, “Wow.” Well put! They’re going to spend the day together. Caitlyn wants to go shopping. On the way, Caitlyn sort of grills Scott about his love life. Watch the show, girl. It’ll tell you all you need to know. She asks if he’s ever cheated on a girlfriend and he answers honestly. But he adds that he intended no malice — he was just being himself. That’s a great excuse. I’ll have to use it next time I fall asleep at the wheel.

It should be noted that Scott says something slightly uncomfortable regarding Caitlyn (here it’s some iteration of “I didn’t think you’d look like that,”) about one too many times.

Once at the store, Caitlyn plays shrink.


To this, he says, “I’m not crazy. I’m well-grounded.” Is it sad or hopeful that to so many women, this really is enough? Caitlyn then sort of mumbles, “You could marry my mother?” Scott immediately “gets a text” and “responds.” Caitlyn walks away. Scott winces.


That’s his “I wish I had a ‘Go Back to Jail Free’ card” face.

At another store, some guy rolls up on Caitlyn, attempting to mack.


Scott gets all paternal and attempts to intervene, but only half-heartedly, really because the guy ends up getting Caitlyn’s number. So he’s a cool dad?

On the way home, Scott and Caitlyn talk about love. Caitlyn ultimately decides that Scott’s a good guy. Her parting words come in the form of a request: “Don’t hurt my mom.”


Scott reflects: “If I did marry Renee, it would be like having Doc Ali as a stepdaughter. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing.” OK, that makes two too many times.

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