In this episode, Hulk gets an upgrade…

…or something like that.

And you know what they say: it’s all fun and games…

…until a man-purse ends up in a mall fountain.

We begin with Terry coming home from the gym. His family scoffs him.

They ridicule his Zubaz and his socks. The former, they agree, are M.C. Hammer-esque. This prompts Nick to do a little Chinese typewriter:

Whatever, Hogans. The ’90s are back. You make Terry change his outfit and you’ll be begging him to change back in six months (make that: a few years) when what’s sweeping through New York finally hits Miami. “It’s not a fashion show at the gym,” says Terry. Amen, brother. Seriously: the point is to look cute as a result of the gym. Actually being at the gym and committing to it gives you the right to look however you want. It’s a trade-off.

Terry’s family also criticizes his fanny pack. Terry is very protective of said pack.

A look inside reveals that Terry’s fanny pack is essentially a crotch purse. He carries close to his penis the following: Business cards, a key for his Segway, a wallet, a garage door opener, toothpicks, Japanese eye drops (no idea!), change, a comb, an old-ass cell phone.

Does that fanny pack have a wine cellar, too? Linda refers to it repeatedly as a “fanny sack,” which is funny and genitally confused when you realize that in England, they use “fanny” as a euphemism for “vagina.”

Brooke tells Terry that he should look hot, since they live in South Beach. Since that’s the case, Terry reasons, he should wear his “Richard Simmons shorts” pulled up to his armpits, with his “biz-alls” hanging out to the left. So that’s how they do in South Beach?

The family decides to eat lunch. They eat outside where they spot a guy in fitness gear:

Linda suggests pants like this as an alternative to Terry’s Zubaz. More discourse on Terry’s look takes place. Terry finds this dispiriting.

“I must be terrible,” he says. Aw, poor beloved superstar. He does get a slight revenge on his family: since he couldn’t bring his fanny pack, he couldn’t bring his wallet. Ha!

They were seriously asking for it.

Some time later, Brooke catches Terry in the bathroom spraying something in his eyes and mouth.

She asks what he’s doing and his response is, “If you spray the water in your eyes, you wake up quicker.” O…K? What happens when you spray water in your fanny pack? We never find out as Brooke gives Terry an impromptu makeover.

That’s amazing. The girls decide to mess with his hair. “Truly, you should get a toupee,” says Linda. Truly, your suggestions are terrible. Seriously: we already know he’s bald.

Although, it is fun to pretend that he isn’t:

On this last one, Brooke describes them as looking like Sigfried and Roy. Does that make Linda the tiger?

Terry gets another bit of retribution via a tabloid:

He points out that she was named “worst dressed” at some point. Ha. I can’t believe he’s going there. The only thing better would be to point out that she’s been named “worst dressed” at several points. Brooke, to her credit, takes it in stride and says, “I look cute.” And relatively speaking, she’s telling the truth.

He gets similar digs in with Linda. A trip through his closet ends up being a trip through hers. It’s sort of shocking.

How much more fab would this show be if Linda wore stuff like that on a daily basis. Please, Linda, please? Terry also wonders why she has so many stripper heels. The better to nab a wrestler with, no doubt.

As if things couldn’t get ’80s enough, the episode’s next offering is a shopping montage!

Does the above outfit count as “business casual” considering Hulk Hogan’s work uniform?

They visit another store that’s a little more up Terry’s alley:

Linda notes, “Now you look like a professional athlete!” Whoa. Terry’s a professional athlete. I never thought about it that way.

Also, he’s kind of like the Hulk:

That’s amazing. The Hogans are playing a losing game every step of the way.

They enter another store, which Linda proclaims, “beautiful.” That is so capitalistic. It’s a store that carries the man-purses that Terry ends up throwing in the fountain. Nothing to see here.

As if he hasn’t been emasculated enough, the next activity involves time at a spa:

This event is the least protested by Terry. Cucumbers just feel good on your eyes, no matter how tough you are, damn it!

After a mud wrap, Terry changes into his clothes and even though Brooke knows damn well what he’s doing, she still peaks through the curtains. The result is a glimpse of her father’s “wiener.”

Brooke goes on and on about it. We know, we know: you don’t need to see that. But seriously: the less said about it, the better, Brooke.

The next day at the gym, Terry runs into a buddy:

He tells Terry that he looks like a Philadelphia Eagles cheerleader. Yeah, except Terry has a bigger chest than your typical cheerleader.

The Dog also asks Terry if they shaved his butt at the spa. Dude, if you’re curious enough to ask, you’re curious enough to see for yourself. Why the hell does he want to know that?

The final method of torture involves taking Terry to a, I don’t know, scalp doctor? Someone who specializes in hair replacement. Linda tricks Terry into going by saying they’ll be visiting a hair salon. And you know how Terry loves hair salons!

The doctor proceeds to show Terry what he would look like with (and without) different types of hair.

That’s enough for Terry. He shakes the doctor’s hand, storms out and rants to his family on the way home. It seems like his feelings are genuinely hurt. Poor guy. “How come everybody else in the world loves me except my family?” Drama! Too bad he isn’t wearing one of Linda’s Dynasty-indebted coats while he says that.

At home, he decides he’s going to stay the way he is. Metrosexuality is not for him. So basically, after all that, we’re back where we started. But with a twist!

This might be his most metrosexual moment of the episode, actually.

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