There is a man who few outside the “seduction community” are aware of, but VH1 has sought him out to help eight unlucky-in-love bachelors find the women of their dreams. Or at least become capable of approaching a girl without sweating profusely and stuttering uncontrollably. This man’s name is Mystery, and while he may look like a cross between a cowboy and a vampire, he is quite successful with the ladies.
The contestants are invited to move into a sick mansion in Austin, Texas to undergo Mystery’s rigorous pick-up training. With the help of J-Dog and Matador, Mystery’s brothers in booty, they can hopefully create one master Pick-Up Artist, who will win the title, the ability to tour around the world with the knowledge he has, and $50,000, which at this point would probably go to video games and online dating services.
Without further delay, our (mostly) adorable contestants:
Joe D.: Looks like the chubby kid from the Van Wilder movies. He has a hard time making the “switch from friends.” He has a droopy eye, and a fake tooth that glows funny in blacklight. First suggestion — remove blacklights from your life, Joe.
Pradeep: Can’t stop talking. He describes himself at one point as a “vagabond transient mathematician.” He also shares that he’s uncircumcised. “Which the world doesn’t need to know,” admits Pradeep. We disagree.
Spoon: Nicknamed as such because his name is Stephen Poon, and the surname wouldn’t be at all accurate. He gets nervous around the ladies.
Alvaro: He’s never had a girlfriend, and a boxer who can’t talk to girls. He admits he’s a good-looking guy, but can’t approach women.
Fred: The 40-year-old virgin, plus five years. Problems arise for Fred in the house when he’s left with the top bunk, and his back doesn’t permit the climb. For real.
Scott: Has no problem talking to dudes, and is still a virgin. Dudes don’t get you to non-virgin status, Scotty. Or maybe they do.
Joe: A decent-looking Minnesotan who women think is gay. We have no idea why, given his squeal of excitement at entering the walk-in pantry in the home.
Brady: He’s a photographer with a fear of rejection.
Tensions already arise in the house as the guys realize Fred is old enough to have fathered all the guys in the house, had he ever had sex. The Mystery Phone rings, and the boys are to face their demons. The clatch of virgins are whisked to a club in a bus titled “Destination Manhood.” In a rap session prior to their being unleashed in the club, the boys reveal their deepest desires and fears. Spoon wants to be like James Bond. Fred wants to be married to the same women for 51 years, which given his age, simply doesn’t seem feasible. Science works hard for us, but not that hard. Pradeep reveals himself as the most annoying contestant on any VH1 show ever.
The club the boys enter is wired with hidden cameras to pick up each and every humiliating interaction they have with the seemingly normal clientele therein. We learn some fun vocabulary from the Mystery method; a “two set” is two girls. A “thread” is a line of conversation. Where does this guy come up with this stuff?!?
As they head into the club, Joe D. announces that it’s time to “poop or get off the pot.” Or time to poop in their pants trying to talk to girls for the first time ever. Rather than go through each of their crash-and-burn attempts, we’ll leave you with these, the worst opening lines and answers uttered in the history of dating:
“How did your family do in Katrina?”
“Hi, I’m Stephen. I’m just not good at talking.”
Alvaro neglected to talk to anyone, while Pradeep took an interesting tact in zoning in on the boyfriends of girls. At the end of the evening, two are in tears. Mystery solemnly states, “They don’t understand the purpose of life.”
Then it’s Mystery’s turn, and he and his brothers in booty walk into the club like vampires who’ve seen The Matrix too many times. Within moments, they have girls fawning over them, professing love, and one offering to hoist her leg up over Mystery’s shoulder. J-Dog entices women with tales of a week-long shopping spree in L.A. (uh…OK) and Matador woos women with number tricks and dance moves — not unlike behavior employed to entertain children at a 5-year-old’s birthday.
After showing the boys how it’s done, Mystery announces, “Who you are today dies here. tomorrow your education begins.” As does ours, dear viewer.