This is the story of, Whitestarr, a band given the heady charge of resurrecting rock n’ roll. In addition to the obstacles an up-and-coming band might face, the task proves even more difficult, given that rock hasn’t necessarily died. Our scene is set in picturesque Malibu, California, where the band, who put out a record on Atlantic three years ago, have been honing their craft, living the privileged life of rock stars, without the whole being rock stars part.
In the first episode, we meet our players. There’s Damon, the youngest and least verbal. Drummer Orbi, Roy Orbison’s son, is the self-proclaimed “guy that your mom told you about.” Which actually would have helped, because then I’d know who this band was. Thanks a lot, Mom.
Next up, Tony Potato, “professional sexy dancer.” Sometimes his dancing will make you feel a little uneasy. Also, fun fact about Tony – he’s a criminal attorney.
WOULD YOU LET THIS MAN REPRESENT YOU IN A COURT OF LAW?
The Sideshow Bob-esque guitarist is named Rainbow. He’s from the East Coast, which is Malibuese for “poor.” Not only is he “East Coast,” he’s also the only one with a girlfriend, which is a big no-no.
Finally, there’s frontman Cisco – former Mischa Barton arm candy and producer Lou Adler progeny.
The entire episode is leading up to a make-or-break sold-out show at the Roxy, an absolute clutch situation the band need to nail if they’re going to “make it.” Being that this is L.A., Slash and Tommy Lee show up with the band’s prospective manager. Just so happens they’re Rainbow’s heroes, which might in small part have contributed to what happens when the band take the stage.
Rainbow feels this is the night that could “get you the house. Get you the cars. Get you the girls.” He then likens it to Beatlemania (which he obviously has no concept of). In an ill-planned attempt to impress his idols, Rainbow launches into a several-minute guitar solo that looked long even after the VH1 producers took a crack at it. All hell breaks lose after the show, yet Rainbow feels he’s “won the chess game.” At the end of the show, the boys are left in peril, having possibly put their only chance at another record deal at risk.
Rationale Rainbow attempts to dissuade his girlfriend’s attendance from the Roxy show: “Well what if I was a lawyer and you came to my job with me?”
Obligatory shot of fully-clothed band member unwillingly thrown in the pool: Check.
Number of times the band’s “second chance” is brought up: 2.
Cisco’s success as a songwriter for Mickey Avalon’s “Jane Fonda” (sample lyric: “And maybe if you were lucky licky licky sucky sucky”) bums him out putting more pressure on the band to get a deal. Tony Stubner signs on as their manager, and since desperate times call for desperate measures, Cisco has the boys move into his hilltop mansion. Tony Potato’s luggage consists of Glad bags. Orbi has the easiest time adjusting to sleeping in a tent on an indoor racquet ball court, given that he’s “been a homeless crack smoker before,” Cisco explains.
The following days recording sessions are tense, given Rainbow’s producing prowess and Cisco’s capablities. Rainbow encourages the band to challenge Cisco, a la seventh-grade-girl-steez, i.e., behind his back.
With the day’s demos recorded, the boys decide to throw a kegger prior to playing for their new manager. A miscommunication leaves the manager expecting to see a live show, but by that time the boys have become too inebriated in their celebratory demo-recording. Even Tony sits this one out.
The following morning, Cisco heads to New York for starlet-girlfriend Mischa Barton’s birthday. And that’s when disaster strikes. “I lost my furry little daughter,” Cisco says when he learns that his beloved pup Bean has died. “Before I got sober, Bean and I weren’t really friends,” Orbi says, completely straight-faced. Tony Potato stares bereft into the camera as he traces the evolution of his relationship with Bean. Amazingly, we find out the cause at least one of Mischa and Cisco’s on-again, off-again relationship — they got into a fight over the dog. Eat our dust, UsWeekly.
The loss of Bean snowballs, with Cisco dedicating the set to his deceased pooch, and ending with him ultimately inciting a riot, screaming “All you people take your clothes off and f*ck the person next to you,” before taking down his own pants. How this serves as a touching memorial to his dead dog, we have no idea.
Next morning’s reckoning is explained concisely when a very hungover Cisco tells his brother to let the Viper Room know that his dog died and his girlfriend won’t talk to him. In his aggrieved state, Cisco forgot the advent of camera phones, and Voila! His balls are all over the internet.
Rationale Rainbow attempts to dissuade his girlfriend’s attendance at Cisco’s mansion: “If I’m a dentist, you’re not going to come up and hang out with me while I give someone a root canal.”
Number of trash bags Tony Potato requires to move his possessions into the house: 3.
Length of photo montage and eulogies delivered for Cisco’s dead dog in a 21 minute show: 1 minute, 30 seconds