Like, let’s all breathe a huge sigh of relief, because The Hills is back with a whole lot of sass, ‘tude, and of course, scandal! Ah, these girls eat scandal up like it’s the last cup of Pinkberry on earth. Delicious.
In the first episode, “You Know What You Did,” Lauren and Whitney are reunited for another year of slaving away at their grueling Teen Vogue internships, where the girls must sit around all day discussing their outfits, guys, and other people’s outfits and guys. Oh – and they occasionally steam a couture dress or two. But now Whitney, as Lauren’s boss, gets paid to do it! Adulthood is like, so amazing. LC immediately fills Whitney in on a bunch of rumors about her that recently made it onto the internet. Is she talking about the sex tape? Or maybe she means the sex tape. Wait – is it the sex tape? Oh snap, we were wrong. Lauren reveals that it was, in fact, a rumor about an “inappropriate videotape.” Yeah, that’s probably what Pam Anderson called it too.
Over at their new apartment, Heidi informs Spencer that she’s made the guest list for their house warming party. Behind them, movers starting pouring water into Spencer’s atrocious new aquarium – which is a just a giant wooden box with a circular glass window in the center. Heidi lists off who she’s gonna invite: Lauren, Audrina and Whitney. But will they come? Maybe, if they like tacky aquariums.
The next day Audrina is at work at that random reception job that she seems way too hot for, when Heidi drops by. She asks, “You just sit here by yourself?” Audrina nods. Again, adulthood is like seriously, SO amazing. Heidi hands over the invites to her party, and after she leaves Audrina rushes off to fill in some intern named Chiara (what kind of name is Chiara?) on all the “mean” things Heidi’s done to Lauren. She ends her rant by announcing, “I have Lauren’s back regardless.” Audrina is, like, so cool with videotaped sex.
Later that night at Les Deux, Lauren is on the prowl for man meat and immediately finds herself a British hottie. He is leaving the States the following day, which makes him a “jackpot.” By jackpot, Lauren means that he’s the perfect partner for inappropriate videotape making. The next morning, Audrina and Lauren dish about their make out sessions. Lauren can hardly believe that she’s been such a kissing ho – but Spencer and Heidi probably can! Across town, the unpopular couple chats over protein shakes and Heidi reveals that she is sad that Lauren bailed on their their bash. Luckily they’re all headed to the same birthday party later that night and so she can confront Lauren with a handwritten letter. Don’t these girls know how to fight over text messages?
At the club, Audrina and Lauren hide in the bathroom and read the note, which is actually a pretty sweet attempt at rekindling their lost BFF-ness. It only pisses Lauren off more and the two finally battle it out face-to-face. Lauren screams that Heidi knows what she did, but again Heidi denies having any idea as to what she is talking about, so Lauren calls her “brainwashed.” Audrina stands in the middle, lapping it all up. Aren’t girls awesome?
The next day at Teen Vogue Lauren and Whitney compliment each other’s outfits and Lauren confesses that she feels like her friendship with Heidi “has died”. The girls decide that she is better off without her. After all that chit chat it’s probably time to do some actually work, but we have yet to see the two Vogue-ers do anything of the sort; proving once again that life really is hard in The Hills.
The second episode, “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” starts us off at the girls’ apartment, where we learn that Audrina has a new man named Justin and Lauren has a cat in a sweater. Lauren thinks this new guy, who Audrina has dated in the past, sounds shady. Apparently she’s such a good friend that she hates all her roommates’ boyfriends. Meanwhile Heidi comes home to discover that Spencer has put graffiti up all over the walls, and it looks like serious ass. She should move out now! Don’t forget the ugly aquarium, Heidi! Spencer smoothes things over by announcing that he’s planned a romantic getaway to Santa Barbara for the weekend and Heidi forgets about the horrible murals, like someone who is, oh, I don’t know…Brainwashed?
Audrina and Justin meet for dinner, where they just stare at each other and sip wine. He has long, girly hair and is wearing a beret-like knit cap. Maybe Lauren was right! Back at the bachelorette pad, Lauren is hanging with her Laguna Beach BFF, Lo, who is still adorable. The friends gossip about Justin, who apparently once ditched Audrina when the two were together in Las Vegas. LC tries to be nice and says she is “all about second chances” – except when it comes to Heidi, obvs. Audrina and her man show up at the apartment, and we learn that all of Justin’s friends call him Bobby. Lo and Lauren make fun of this to his face like the catty California girls that they are, which is why we love them.
The following day Spencer reveals to Brody that he’s going to propose to Heidi. Brody attempts to talk some sense into him by shrieking “Homey, get married at 30 or 35!” Such wise advice. Brody reminds Spencer that he’s just 23-years old, but there’s no stopping him, and the boy BFFS head to a jewelry store. Once there, Spencer shoves Heidi’s future engagement ring onto his pinky finger and makes immature jokes and silly noises like…a 23-year old. On the way out of the jewelry store after purchasing the giant ring, Brody sings “You have officially lost your mind!” Eh, the graffiti walls are WAY crazier.
Lauren heads home to Laguna Beach where she and her Mom chit chat in the family kitchen about Lauren’s trust issues and encounters with bad people in Los Angeles. Her mom is seriously one of those women who could be sisters with her daughter. She is wise and motherly yet also totally smoking hot. She begs Lauren not to get caught up in drama again, but then what would The Hills be, Mom Conrad? Shut your smart mouth.
On the beach, Spencer proposes, and Heidi seems not at all surprised by the ring. They coo about how great the other is and Heidi seems to have forgotten all about the graffiti walls. We haven’t, though. They are seriously horrendous.
The episode ends with a shot of Audrina and Justin riding around on his motorcycle (How 1992! How barftastic!), as Heidi and Spencer frolic on the beach. Lauren, meanwhile, looks wistfully off her parents’ balcony, surveying the kingdom of Laguna Beach. She finally ditches her smart, sexy mom and hops in her convertible Mercedes to speed right back to where we like her – in the middle of all the crazy drama in LA.
More photos of The Hills’ stars. [Getty]