The Rock Life Recap: Episode 3


Rainbow Jeramy

The boys hit the road, with the express purpose of geting Tony Potato laid. Which shouldn’t be a problem, given that Whitestarr has “girls galore.” Post-show, Cisco describes Mr. Potato as “a dancer, a lawyer, an overall renaissance man, but he cannot follow through on anything.” A heart-to-heart ensues after a crestfallen Tony leaves the backstage area to take a leak, and Cisco follows him into the bathroom. Apparently Tony’s trouble isn’t the fact that he’s overweight, balding and in a struggling band (what girl wouldn’t want that!?!), but that he has no follow through.

The band embark on a tour, playing 28 shows in 30 days to bring the music to the people. Cisco doesn’t seem to think of what he does as “touring and playing music” so much as pirating: “taking what we need and leaving some scurvy…new town every night, new girl every night.” This proves more difficult for Tony. In one particularly painful scene, Tony has one unsuspecting female in a half nelson, and as she cackles on his lap she says, “I don’t do dancers. I only do rock stars.” Wrong bus, sister.

The boys arrive in New York, with Cisco arguing that solely by the numbers, population-wise, Tony has to get laid. Cisco charges band assistant Bart with finding someone to have sex with Tony. No dice. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania proves only moderately more promising, when after a show Tony corners a young lady, but blows it when he gets so drunk he spills his drink on her. Also she has a boyfriend. So he moves on to her older married friend, Bonnie, who confesses she’s “kind of intrigued by the whole attorney thing.” With dreams of of Bonnie’s condo dancing in his head, Tony accompanies her outside, only for her to quickly kiss him goodbye and sprint off into the night.

Tony explains his luck with the ladies to Cisco when he returns to the bus (“One was married, one was engaged, and the other ran away.) Three strikes in Harrisburg. The drunken discussion with Cisco escalates, with Cisco calling Tony “handicapped” when it comes to getting laid. A lot of screaming happens, and Tony plays the ultimate trump card — Cisco has a Mercedes and a house in Malibu. Cisco then tells Tony not to look at him ever again in his life. Ever. Amazingly, this huge blowout is resolved the following morning when Tony walks to the back of the bus where Cisco is, shirtless, and the two giggle, then “agree to disagree.”

Best line spoken by Cisco during the episode: “He thinks I bring girls on the bus. Bro, girls would follow me into a f*cking river of acid.”

Disability not mentioned in the Americans With Disabilities Act: Handicapped when it comes to getting laid.

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