In this episode, this happens:
If you are looking for anything else in TV or in the realm of human behavior, you’re aiming far too high. Be prepared for a lifetime of disappointment.
When we meet up with the girls, they’re enjoying a peaceful rest.
Big John busts in and wakes them, proclaiming, “This is rock and roll, it ain’t rock and sleep.” How cleverish. It also ain’t rock and pole, but have you seen anyone complaining about the stripper-esque activities that have provided the life force of this show? On second thought, maybe it is rock and pole.
Brandi, whose dry wit and tough-girl humor only gets more endearing as the show progresses, says that for waking her up, she wanted to “punch him in the balls.” As we’ll find out later in the show, that’s just one of many things Brandi can do with balls. The options are endless.
Downstairs the girls get a Bret Mail that says that the challenge today will test the girls’ road skills. Heather thinks they’ll be racing cars. She does not seem to be afraid that if that were the case and there were an explosion, her hair would be the first casualty. Wake up, Heather! Jes thinks they’re racing motorcycles again. Jes, give the producers a little credit: they don’t need to repeat a challenge. There are thousands of ways to put you guys on the spot and make you frantically scramble for the sake of your man. The words “peanut butter and jelly wrestling” haven’t even been spoken yet.
They meet Bret in a parking lot, and he explains to them that he’s “looking for a girl who can handle life on the road and all the insanity that comes with it.” Bret punctuates this with some horns and a grunt.
It would seem that Bret has moved on in the sentence-constructing craft: instead of brilliant beginnings (“As you know, I love to rock…”), he’s now doing perfect endings. I don’t care what he does, as long as he continues flexing those linguistic muscles. His larynx is ripped! Anyway, piggybacking off what he said: these girls lived through Rodeo’s breakdowns, a football field muddied to ensure their demise, enough silicone to fill a hot tub and Tiffany — they can handle insanity. No matter, today’s challenge will find the girls on a scaled-down tour (like, really scaled down): they’ll face a series of challenges in the parking lot their in, and each one will represent a different city.
Before each stop, one girl’s name will be picked out of a hat.
She’ll choose a challenger. Whomever wins gets to go back on the bus and compete in more challenges. Whomever loses gets left behind in whatever “city” they’re in. Pray for the girl who’s left in Philly — she’ll never smell the same again.
The first name out of the hat is Jes, she chooses “Legz.” And by that she means “Magdalena.” These girls change nicknames like Press-On Nails. Anyway, this name is awesome, if only because you can imagine it being short for “Legzdalena.”
The first challenge will be to stuff a bunch of clothes into a suitcase, zip it and drag it back to the bus.
That is so Double Dare that I think I see an orange flag. Anyway, they’re about even when Jes hits a snag, literally. She can’t get the suitcase zippered, but Legzdaquickness does. She hauls the suitcase back to the bus and is named the winner. She does a victory dance that wonders how Betty Boop would act if she were cast in Riverdance.
Apparently, she’d act weirdly.
Anyway, this means Jes is left behind in New York.
A note to Jes on her time in New York: St. Marks is a goldmine of Manic Panic.
Legz just happens to be the next name out of the hat. She chooses Sam as her competitor. Their challenge will be to enter their own port-a-potty…
…(haha the the port-a-potty challenge is in Philly) and change into an outfit that is succinctly and accurately described by Legzdavirgin as “whore clothes.” Just like Bret likes ‘em!
From the bus, Heather watches them holding up the clothes and she says, “That’s awesome.” You know she’s gonna be all, “Can I borrow that?” when the winner reenters the bus.
Anyway, this challenge not only forces the girls’ dignity into the blue-brown water of a port-a-potty, it also gives us an excuse to see them in their underwear.
Score, and score.
Legzdameaned makes it out first. However, she forgot to tie her shoes behind her ankles. Legz, you’d make a rotten whore. As she struggles to complete her outfit properly…
…Sam runs out and takes the win. She strikes a pose so that Big John can inspect her outfit.
Man, is she chaste! Won’t she ever get over her shyness?
This means the unfortunate situation of staying in Philly rests on Legzdastreetwalker.
If you go to any Philly bus station, you’ll see tons of women looking just like that, waiting for the bus to Atlantic City. True story.
Lacey’s picked next and she chooses Sam, because she figures that Sam’s probably worn out after just having been in a challenge. This one will require the girls to troll through a dumpster in search of Bret’s guitar pick.
No, really. If the suitcase challenge was like Double Dare, this seedier, rip-offy challenge is all Fun House. No matter: the girls want to win this challenge. Or maybe they don’t want to lose. Or maybe, they just want to prove their superiority to each other in whatever way possible. Hard to say.
Lacey dives in butt first…
…which is probably the best way to attack any Rock of Love challenge, especially those that involve securing the attention of Bret.
The girls sort through the trash and it’s really disgusting.
But in the end, Sam reigns supreme.
She found the guitar pick and all it cost her was her dignity. Trade-off.
As the girls near the next challenge, they see guitars and amps. Detecting that it will involve some sort of electronic set-up, Brandi says…
Remember this, for it’s the beginning of proof that Brandi is the smartest person in the house. Heather’s the next name pulled out of the hat and she chooses Mia. They have to hook up guitars to an amp and get them to make sound.
On the bus, Brandi reveals to Sam that she said that thing about hooking up her mom’s surround sound because she actually sucks at that sort of thing and she figured she could psych out whomever was chosen. It worked. Again and again, these girls are diving, simply diving, into the schemes of their competitors. Some people were made for TV; these girls were made for reality TV.
After much disgruntled strumming and cavegirl-esque grunting, Big John lets Mia and Heather in on an important clue: electric guitars need electricity to work. Apparently, so do figurative overhead light bulbs because they’re still not going off — the girls still sort of mill about, even after everything’s plugged in. Mia finally gets her guitar to make noise through the amp and is thus the winner. The loser is not Heather, but the IQs of everyone who just witnessed that.
Brandi’s chosen for the next challenge and she picks Mia to go against. This challenge is the best of all: the words to the chorus of “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” are scrambled on a board, magnetic-poetry style.
Whomever unscrambles the words in the shortest amount of time wins. Here’s Mia’s guess:
“Every rose has its thorn just like every rose has his thorn.” A simile and an anatomy lesson. How brilliant. Mia is, obviously, wrong. Brandi, who takes a little more time gets it right:
And if you didn’t know that, your childhood clearly differed considerably from mine.
With Mia out, only Brandi and Sam are left in the competition. Their challenge is a hurdle race culminating with a physical struggle against one of those metal-and-foam dummies they use in football practice. The girls prepare:
It’s now abundantly clear that Sam is dressed like Cher in the “If I Could Turn Back Time” video. Which makes Bret, what, a randy sailor? A Cher fan? Who knows. Anyway, the race begins and it’s over relatively quickly.
Brandi aka Brandi M. aka Wild Thing aka B.B. is named the winner. Sam’s left literally bare-assed in the wind.
It’s funny because earlier, during the first challenge she participated in, Sam said that the whore-clothes skirt was like a belt and, uh, she was right.
Brandi gets back on the bus, which takes her to Bret, who just happens to be playing guitar when she pulls up. You know, he’s just whiling away the hours, standing on a street corner with his guitar and amp plugged in.
It’d be so awesome if he’d turn to the camera and say, “Oh. Hello.” He, however, does not. Damn it, Michaels!
Back at the house, the girls file in from the challenge and we find out that Lacey’s skirt is ripped.
It turns you on. Admit it.
Gee, who could that be? Roaches that traveled back from “Philly” in Legz’s underwear? The pack of scheming cartoon mice from Cinderella? Brandi C. talking to a sock puppet after sneaking back into the house? No, no and no.
And if you thought anything else, hang your head in shame, for Rock of Love has outsmarted you.
Anyway, today’s Bret’s birthday, so the girls are doing something special for him. And that something special involves making signs with nail polish.
Go with what you know, y’know?
Also, they blow up balloons with a helium tank. They also huff it, which duh.
It makes Legzdabaritone’s voice sound feminine. She should carry a tank around with her with a breathing tube hooked into her nose.
Anyway, soon Bret shows up and the birthday party begins.
But then, it’s not a party until Heather contorts her face manically and points.
Ah, that’s better.
Anyway, pole festivities break out.
You know, the girls do this a lot, but I bet that it never gets old for Bret. It’s like sex away from sex.
Even Sam gets strippy with it.
Bret, quite awesomely, takes all of this in like the dirty-old man he’s 15 minutes away from being.
That is the face of a connoisseur.
Sensing that Sam’s actually getting attention, Heather and Lacey resolve to steal it away.
That they go out of their way to be devious and manipulative and announce all of it to the cameras is pretty obnoxious. But you know what? They’re really just playing the game. The whole point of this show is to monopolize Bret’s attention. It’s not called Monopoly of Love for nothing.
Can you, though, imagine if there were a Monopoly of Love and it featured 20 bodacious babes vying for the love of Uncle Pennybags? You know they’d be all, “Monocles are hot!” and flashing him, like, “Here’s my community chest!”
Heather and Lacey’s attention stealing forces Sam to stalk off. She’s still sore about it the next morning when she screams at Lacey in the kitchen. This makes Lacey and Heather predictably happy.
Lacey runs off to basically inform Bret that her machination is working, which prompts Magdalena to comment:
I don’t know, Legz, what kind of balls? You tell me. How ’bout it?
Lacey gets in, and basically shows him the poop in her diaper.
Bret loves it. Apparently, he wants a tattletale for his very own. He wonders if Sam is too sensitive for the rock-and-roll, orgy-filled lifestyle.
Lacey reports her progress to Heather, who’s hanging out by the pool topless.
Clearly, she’s still in mourning from last episode about exposing herself so much.
Bret attempts to get to the bottom of Sam’s situation.
She’s packing. Hmmm. He asks if she had fun last night and she says, unconvincingly, that she did. “I said hey, that girl’s got pole skills,” Bret says. He then smirks because he’s satisfied that he just made a joke. How funny that he thinks that’s…funny.
He wonders allowed what her deal is. Sam’s a private person and she doesn’t know whom to trust. She asks Bret, “How am I supposed to get close to you when girls are grinding up on you?” The answer is simple: GRIND HARDER. Duh. Sam reveals that she was once in an abusive relationship that made her feel bad about herself, but now she’s on Prozac. Sam’s sharing a lot. I’m starting to get uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Brandi gets the Bret Mail announcing her date: she’ll be attending a hockey game with Bret. She is ecstatic. “Nothin’ like beer and men with sticks. Bring it.” Amen, sister.
She and Bret eat in a special section reserved for the high-class sticks-and-beer enthusiasts.
Brandi reveals that she has more guy friends than girl friends and that the girl friends that she does have are lesbians. Heh. Bret says this worries him. Really? Brandi assures him that it shouldn’t: “I’m not gonna turn gay. No, no. I can’t see myself marrying a woman. I’ll have sex with one, though. Don’t get me wrong. But then I’ll kick her out afterwards.”
Ha! Her sharp tongue just got a hell of a lot sharper, in at least a few respects. She is officially amazing. The whole throw-her-out-of-bed thing would seem to be at the exact level of dudeishness that Bret wants his woman. Is Brandi taking over as the front runner?
Meanwhile, at home, the girls have a task: as a group, they must come up with reasons why each of the girls should go home.
Lacey, because she cares the most (if an emotion as basic as caring can be attributed to the exponentially complex Lacey), does most of the deciding. Sam is deemed jealous and insecure. Sam curses Lacey repeatedly. While this is going down, Heather is rocking an outfit that looks exactly like one of those gimmicky dolls they shilled to girls in the ’80s like P.J. Sparkles or Baby Skates or something…
…she notes that, “This is so awkward and it’s definitely gonna start a fight.” Well, duh. That’s the idea, isn’t it? The girls decide that they don’t know who she really is. How much more of her do we need exposed? For Mia, the girls decide that they’re not sure she’s there for Bret. It’s true — she’s there to impersonate the wallpaper. Brandi, the only girl who doesn’t get any say in this, it’s decided, may not be right for Bret as she’s known for her oral talent. Seriously. We get a flashback to her date with Bret and Rodeo…
She explains that she’s known as, “B***j** Brandi” back home. Did we know this before? I’m thinking that this is news. Either that, or I was too busy contemplating Rodeo’s sword collection the first time around. If nothing else, it explains why everyone’s taken to calling her “B.B.” of late.
Jes’ bad qualities are “age and location.” But not sex, of course.
Legz should go home because she keeps her feelings inside and she might be there to be on TV. Fair enough: withholding that rumbling basso from the world would be criminal. In response to Lacey’s criticism, Legz quite awesomely says: “Lacey’s just a f***in’ dirty sneaky bitch. She looks like a man. She looks like she’s possessed by devils. She’s just a freak.” Cut to Lacey looking…possessed by devils.
Speaking of Lacey, she’s up next. The girls decide that she’s insincere and out of control.
Lacey disagrees. However, she does tell the girls that, “I’m not here to make friends!” Well, it’s about time someone announced that! Now it’s a reality show. Finally.
Meanwhile, Bret and Brandi enjoy their hockey date, which involves appearing on the Jumbotron and a game of show-and-tongue.
Back at home, Brandi catches wind of the back-stabbing challenge the girls underwent in her absence. She asks what they came up with for her. Here’s Mia’s answer:
We’re really learning so much about Brandi this episode. Next time on Rock of Love: a tour of Brandi’s womb!
Brandi investigates this, foolishly talking to Lacey who tells her the other girls said she was slutty, and then she confronts Jes and Mia about those allegations and they said that Lacey was the one who said them. Which she was. This must be why Brandi hangs with lesbians. Because they’re not dramatic or anything.
Before elimination, Bret talks to a few of the girls.
Legzdaquestionmark is even-keeled and, though Bret announces that he’s stopping short of calling her cold, it’s exactly what he means to say she is.
He and Sam rehash their previous conversation.
She announces that she’s too sensitive to be in the house. Even though some will undoubtedly decry this self discovery, saying that Sam should have known what she was getting into, there’s something to be said for needing to experience something before you understand how it’ll make you feel. Sam’s young. She says that she doesn’t want to fall in love in front of millions of people, only to have Bret break her heart.
Bret’s response? “Hold me.”
But he holds her instead. Uh, weird.
The girls get ready for elimination…
Just before, Bret reads what the girls prepared for him…
…well, he reads it assuming that he can get over the shock of it not being written in nail polish. Isn’t there at least an eyeliner pencil or 5,000 in the house?
And then, we come to eliminations.
Bret is wearing red PVC.
Heather’s hair is decidedly less fun.
I mean, it’s fun, but it’s not the alien-queen hood that the progression of previous weeks suggested it would be by now. Keep reaching for the stars, Heather! Reaching, that is, with your hair.
Brandi is the first girl called. Bret notes her “very special sexual qualities.” Makes that upcoming tour of her womb something to really look forward to.
When Lacey’s called, Bret refers to her as “Cankles.” Ugh. You know, the thing about names and nicknames is that they help identify whomever they’re referring to and they can’t do that if they’re changing all the damn time. Let the nicknames do their jobs, Bret! Your status as a renaissance man stops just short of taking over duties from nicknames.
Finally, it comes down to Sam and Legz.
Unfortunately, there is no such luck: Sam gets over her vapors when she realizes that Legz has been called up by Bret because he’s letting her go. Which means Sam gets at least one more week to feel uncomfortable and conflicted. What a relief!
Bret says he ultimately did not feel passion and excitement with Legz. So he’s an ass man. Sue him. In her exit interview, Legz says, “I appreciate that he’s not wasting my time and more, because I have more important things to do.” Like think of new nicknames for herself, probably. You’ll always be Legzdagirlofmanynames to me.