With friends like this…
…who needs scabies?
When we meet up with Scott he is, where else, in session with Doc Ali.
Doc Ali asks Scott about his friends. He explains that while Steve is about to be married, Johnny V. still runs around bagging girls under 21, which is the single most amazing feat described on this show and perhaps in the history of VH1. As they’re talking a girl walks out…
…but before you can say, “Vow of celibacy,” Johnny comes out, following her…
Doc is scandalized.
She’s amazed that Johnny uses Scott’s pad as a “sex shack,” and goes on to call Johnny a parasite. He’s more a virus, I think. Parasites you can remove. Johnny’s whoring ways are problematic, as they represent a lifestyle Scott is supposed to be progressing from. Doc Ali explains the importance of surrounding yourself with people that support the man you’re trying to become. Next time Focus on the Family rolls into town, Scott’s throwing a total kegger. The good doctor suggests Scott meet up with these twins he and Steve used to hook up with as a way of saying goodbye to his former life. But while he’s preparing to do that, she wants to say hello, as it were, to his current friends.
Upon greeting Doc Ali, Johnny V. says, “Don’t get too close. I don’t want to know about myself.” What a fabulous way to endear yourself to a stranger who’s already wary of you! But at the same time, he’s probably smart to remain blissfully ignorant. A good reading of him would take longer than this show’s running time by far, anyway. Johnny’s immediately on the defensive with Doc, proclaiming himself “smart from life.” Or maybe that’s Life as in the cereal. That would explain why he’s still wearing pajamas with cowboys on them. Johnny doesn’t think Scott needs a life coach. Doc Ali points out the undercurrent of selfishness in Johnny’s protest and Johnny says, “Don’t end this for us!”
When Doc Ali points out how gay this sounds, Johnny eventually comes back with, “Don’t stifle my times with Scott Baio!” He’s stifled enough with his head constantly in Scott’s lap, damn it.
Meanwhile, Steve asks Scott to be his best man.
To be fair, that’s also kinda gay, asking some guy on a beach to be your man. Kidding!
Scott and Steve then meet up with the Morel Twins as something of an “instant bachelor party” for Steve.
Their names are Carla and Carmen, but they might as well be Donatella and Donatella for as Versace as they look. That you, Maya Rudolph?
Anyway, they kinda seem like they might be obnoxious, but they’re actually a lot of fun, grabbing each other’s boobs and doing this…
As they play pool with Scott and Steve, they reveal they have plans to go watch mud wrestling that evening. Who are these people? Seriously: has anyone in your life ever answered, “Watching mud wrestling,” to the question, “What are you doing tonight?” It would seem that improbably similar DNA is but one of the amazing, amazing things about the Morel Twins.
So Scott and Steve corral the brahs and they all hit the mud wrestling, uh, arena, where they meet up with the Morel Twins.
Clearly, they’re well-seasoned fans of mud-wrestling.
Someone alerts the ref to the “instant bachelor party” for Steve…
They want Steve to wrestle with two scantly clad women. Steve resists. Shouts of “Cooch! Cooch!” become shouts of “Johnny! Johnny!” and the reliable Johnny V. steps up to the challenge.
Johnny suits up.
Oh! Now it makes sense that he bags chicks half his age!
Wrestling commences and it is, naturally, suggestive.
After, Steve decides to spread the love with Scott.
This, rightfully, pisses Scott off. Scott decides he’s done with hanging out. Johnny turns virtually autistic, imploring Scott repeatedly to, “Have some fun! Have some fun!” Game over, mate.
Johnny goes as far as pulling Scott to keep him around. How inviting. “What do you have to blow something for?” asks Johnny angrily. Them’s lovin’ words, methinks.
The next day, Scott tells Doc Ali about what went down and how annoying Johnny was.
Doc Ali proclaims Johnny “toxic” and says that Scott needs a clean break from him. Scott eventually agrees and arranges a meal with Johnny.
“What’s she doing here?” says Johnny in greeting. The charm train never stops rolling. He also makes fun of Doc’s biceps. Ooooh, making fun of someone’s heightened level of fitness! Burn! Doc counters with, “Johnny, do you have a bed?” Ha! Unironically, it’s Scott’s. Scott begins to explain to Johnny the nature of this meeting and Johnny is, understandably, upset. He points out that you don’t just break up with friends. Even though he has a point, the level of his protesting makes it obsolete. You don’t break up with friends, but you do ignore annoying people, you know? Who has time to put up with whining?
Scott dismisses Doc Ali and tells Johnny that he can’t see him anymore.
“Don’t break my balls about this!” says Scott before kissing Johnny goodbye (!) and leaving him sitting there. On second thought, don’t do anything to Scott’s balls, Johnny.