That ice sculpture is mad prescient!
It’s the last episode and it’s decision time: will Scott ask Renee to marry him, or will he spend the rest of his life in arrested development? Undoubtedly, there are people who wish he had the opportunity to spend the rest of his life on Arrested Development (RIP!), but it was not meant to be.
Doc Ali and Scott meet in what she announces is their last session. Scott couldn’t be more thrilled.
Dude, you’re the one who hired her. Also: way to apply all those lessons you’ve learned on how to treat women. Doc Ali’s self-esteem is undoubtedly through the roof right about now.
Doc Ali asks Scott if he knows why he’s 45 and single after going through the process. Because it makes for good TV, duh. Just kidding: it’s because he’s fixated on the next best thing.
Doc Ali asks Scott if he’s ready to marry Renee. Conveniently, he gets a text immediately that he can apparently play an audio version of. It’s as if Steven Hawking himself were in Scott’s Envy. Some carry brilliance on their shoulders; others, in their pockets. The text is from Johnny V, so, uh, forget what I just said about brilliance.
Doc Ali asks Scott again if he knows if he’s ready to get married. He’s not into the wedding process — the ring-buying, the scheduling, etc. “Who the hell needs it?”
Doc Ali suggests he go prepare anyway. Doc Ali inquires about whether Renee is the right girl for Scott, explaining that she wanted to meet Renee for herself at the start of this whole process. Scott suggests doing it now. Fine. Session is over and Scott has successfully transferred his life coach to another person. Yippee. Deserves a hug, no?
And then, there is golfing. Ah, scenic bookends.
Steve and Jason golf with Scott, but Johnny V doesn’t. Steve wonders where Johnny V is. Scott explains that he had to “break up” with him. In response, Scott reveals, Johnny V sent pictures of himself. Johnny V is convinced that his beauty is that enticing.
We then see Scott making the first of his possible wedding preparations: visiting a lawyer to work on a prenup agreement.
Scott says he wants to make sure that in the event of divorce, he won’t be pumping gas. The lawyer suggests getting the prenup going even before he possibly proposes. How Cali. She says, point blank, “You need a prenup?” He says he’ll get back to her.
Back at Scott’s place, Doc Ali meets with Renee.
Renee says if Scott hasn’t changed, she’s gone. She doesn’t have to be with a man. Is it shocking to anyone else that Scott would be interested in someone with even a modicum of empowerment?
Doc Ali wonders if Renee wants to have another kid with Scott, and Renee answers an unequivocal yes.
And then, part two of preparations for the wedding that might never be: Scott meets Cooch at a jewelry store to look at rings.
At one point, Scott suggests buying the “chromium zucchini” and saying that she’ll never know the difference. Uh, she’ll probably notice when you plop a shiny gourd on her finger. How dumb does he think women are?
And then: another message from Johnny. Johnny is the human equivalent of herpes: treatable but always on the brink of returning.
Back at the ranch, Renee tells Doc Ali of how Scott is there for her. For example, one time he cut pizza for her. Scott’s generosity is overwhelming. I defy you not to well up at the image of Scott running a knife through homemade pizza.
And then, more rings.
…and more Johnny V.
What’s more disgusting: bruising one’s niz-utz, or imagining that Johnny V has a nitz-hutz in the first place? The answer is neither: the most disgusting thing is that Johnny V speaks in izzle-isms.
Scott prepares for his “graduation party,” where he’ll see Renee again for the first time in…a few episodes. But this time he can have sex with her! Yay, Scott Baio’s sex life. You know you’re invested. He talks to Jason, who won’t be making it, about what’s going down.
Clearly, from Scott’s Gollum-like stance he’ll miss his presssshus freedom. He also may demand that Renee give him a ring.
Then, the party.
Nicole Eggert is there.
As is this lovely ice sculpture sent by Jason. Aww, how…cold, of him.
Doc Ali tells Scott what a pleasure it was working with him.
Clearly, he concurs.
Whatshername and Whostheex are also there.
Scott says that Sue, the first ex he met with, hit it on the head when she told him that he’s always looking for the next best thing. The next seven weeks were just for confirmation. Now, Scott’s really, really sure.
Cooch calls Scott a “modern day Rudolph Valentino.” Disagree with this at will.
And then, Renee enters. She and Scott hug as Julie looks on. Makes sense.
Julie and Renee end up talking. Scott pulls Renee away and then: ugh.
It’s too bad that fence doesn’t have an electric charge. No matter: there are more pressing things at hand. Like closure we actually care about. Scott thanks Renee for going through this process.
Scott hems and haws and looks around as though he’s on Candid Camera. He then says what everyone wants to hear: he’s ready to get married.
Scott says that all the stress of rings, marriage and monogamy all faded away. That’s a powerful kiss.
And then, the blonde bombshell to end all blonde bombshells:
So now, Scott Baio is 45, engaged and expecting a child. Who’s up for a new round of counseling?