In Bret’s words, let’s get right down to it:
Who wore it best?
My money’s on Jes. She looks way foxy without pupils.
You know what this house needs?
More tude, more bitching and more stink eye. You know how to achieve that? More girls. FACT!
Or so that would seem to be Bret’s train of thought at the start of the episode when he explains this week’s challenge to the remaining girls.
“Well, today I have the most important subject of all for me. That is passion.” Uh, really? It isn’t rock? I feel cheated. “As you know, I love to passion,” just doesn’t have the right ring. This show’s called Rock of Love, it’s not The Passion of the Michaels, even if Bret’s hair is, at least nominally, Christlike.
The way Bret will gauge the girls’ passion is by bringing in more girls who know him. Know as in biblically? Maybe the whole passion thing does make sense.
They are the “superfans,” although is it weird to anyone else that none of these girls were fans of Poison in the band’s late-’80s heyday? Unless you survived “Unskinny Bop,” you can’t really call yourself “super.” You’re merely remarkable. I’m starting to doubt their commitment to Sparkle Motion. Sorry, I mean Poison.
As the superfans file in, Brandi gives her take on them: “My first impression on these girls is, uh, bitch, bitch, bitch.” Oh Brandi, you don’t even know them yet. I guess living in the Rock of Love house has a way of really developing your bitch reflex, which is not to be confused with your sex reflex nor should it be confused with Sex Reflex, the album by Lacey’s friend’s band.
The contestants will be grilled by the superfans. Amy, whose name just happens to share its first letter with the word “alpha,” tells the girls to sit outside and wait to be called.
It’s raining or…something. And you know what happens when Sam gets wet, right? She multiplies. Kidding. She turns into Little Edie Beale from Grey Gardens.
It really would be awesome if Sam would wear an upside down bodysuit and break into an impromptu interpretive dance based on a patriotic march. I wonder if Bret’s a Libra?
The interviews begin. The setup is like a mixture of a standard interrogation, a police lineup in reverse and a student film, what with the harsh lighting and simple contrast of colors. Brandi is first.
The questions begin. Amy asks Brandi what she does and she says she’s a dancer. What kind? Oooh! Let me guess! The kind who does impromptu interpretive dancing to patriotic marches! Judges, let’s see if I’m correct…
Ah, that was my second guess. And also: really? I know that following last week’s amateur photo shoot featuring Brandi and Heather, Lacey made some offhanded remark about that’s what happens when you get two strippers together, but I don’t know, I thought she meant that Brandi was a stripper in spirit or something. I didn’t realize she was an actual stripper. Why are we just learning this now? It’s like a big reveal that, while blindsiding, also makes sense. I wonder if Brandi’s stripper name is “Rosebud.”
Brandi stays cool in the face of the girls’ derision, explaining that she’s going to school for “interior design and architect.” While she’s at it, she could maybe take an English class? Couldn’t hurt. Anyway, apparently the fact that she’s unflustered flusters the superfans.
Yeah, that’s the idea, right? Way to persecute someone for doing exactly what you ask, girls. Nothing is good enough! Are you superfans or, like, the future fathers of high school football players?
Before we can do more pondering, Brandi’s hair almost catches on fire.
They totally don’t tell her at first, which, challenge or no challenge, is assy. I mean it’s a matter of physical safety.
Look at that! It’s as though Brandi’s a little teapot or, like, a perturbed character in some ’50s cartoon. She finally realizes that her bobby pins are going up in smoke and that pretty much ends the interview. As those things tend to do.
Then, there is Sam who seemingly turns into a creature of the night when a light is shined on her.
Remember on The Simpsons, when Bart sold his soul and was prowling the streets and he got caught in Chief Wiggim’s headlights and his eyes turned to cat eyes and he hissed? That’s basically what happens with Sam, which is surprising to say the least considering that she’s noted for being so soulful. Basically, the effect of her cringing is to announce how uncomfortable she is. She might as well just bend over. The superfans, like life according to Mo’Nique, use no Vaseline. The interview is very painful. Sam says she can tell Bret’s into her by the way he looks at her and the stuff they talk about. Sam reveals that she’s insecure in the competition and doesn’t do well with other girls. That’s great. The superfans clearly will respect that and not force you to do anything that might make you uncomfortable. Oh, except they’ll request that you fake an orgasm. Just that. Sam starts, “Oh my god, I, I…,” which is promising until you realize that she’s stammering not in pseudo-ecstasy but in discomfort. She says she isn’t comfortable doing that in front of them and then interviews that she’s not going to embarrass herself in front of these girls. Good for her.
After the interview, Sam cries and cries.
She wouldn’t fake an orgasm but her hair was tussled and her makeup ran all the same.
Jes is up next.
After a rocky start (she can’t name any Poison albums or the band’s drummer, which makes it a Rockett start, as well), Jes endears herself to the superfans, first by admitting she’s gotten lip injections (Again: really? Rosebuds all around), then by admitting that she hasn’t gotten any sort of breast augmentation (awesomely in a post-interview interview, she says, “Uh, yeah, you stupid bitch. I wouldn’t buy boobs and get ‘em this f***in’ small!“), and finally by making out with Ky.
Ky reveals that Jes is a bit of a biter. And now you know everything there is to know. End of show.
Just kidding because Heather’s up next and she rocks it.
The girls get on Heather for being a stripper. In an OTF, she wonders, “Why are we being judged here?” Oh, Heather. Isn’t the point of your existence, from your choice of work to your choice of hair height to your choice to be on a reality show, to be judged? Heather breaks the ice in a major way when Amy asks if she cares if any of them slept with Bret. “No, ’cause I’m sure you have. You’re all hot. I’d f*** you if I were him, you know?” says Heather. From that point on the superfans are putty in her hands. For some girls, the universal language is love. For some, it is music. For others, especially those prone to peroxide and loving to rock, it is flattery.
Lacey is up last.
The superfans immediately start clawing at Lacey, forcing her to sing one of Bret’s songs (she chooses “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” naturally) and then openly mocking her for it.
Lacey’s also asked about the fact that no one in the house likes her, which everyone apparently revealed in their interviews. God, all this ridicule is making me feel bad for Lacey…until she reveals in an OTF again that she’s “not here to make friends.” Now I feel like banging my head against the wall to provide rhythmic accompaniment to her monotony. Thanks for getting me over the pity, Lace! It’s also revealed that Lacey sees a therapist and is on meds. I don’t think I’ve been this shocked since Sigfried and Roy announced their homosexuality.
And then: mingling. The superfans and the girls do some eating together. Lacey kisses up to Amy with cutlery.
How endearing, it’s like a bouquet of pointed, metal flowers.
Sam flees because she feels the superfans don’t deserve to talk to her. She’s probably right. Meanwhile, the superfans turn out to be kind of cool. Amy tells Jes that she’d look weird with big boobs and that Jes has the Gwen Stefani thing going on. “You know how she rocks the flat chest?” Amy asks. She means this as a compliment. There’s just no point of doing anything in this house unless it’s backhanded.
Bret joins in the fun (“fun”), and wonders where Sam is. Jes goes to find her and guess what? Sam wants out! The girl is a broken boomerang — she doesn’t go anywhere, but she always comes back. Jes doesn’t want Sam to go anywhere because she won’t have anyone to talk to. Oh yeah, Jes, Sam’s discomfort is a small price to pay for the sake of you being occupied. God Sam, just get over it. Jes is actually a great friend and says that she’ll support whatever choice Sam makes. Just as long as the choice is staying. Kidding! They embrace.
Then, it is time to decide who made the best impression on the superfans.
“Allison, Ky and Amy downloaded me with all kinds of information on these girls,” says Bret. DOES NOT COMPUTE. For that to make any sense, they’d be uploading, no? As you know, Bret loves to gossip, so he and the supefans talk about the other girls. Brandi seems fake, but cute. Jes is awesome. Heather would be a perfect match for Bret. Sam is sweet but she doesn’t have what it takes “mentally” to be with Bret. His vocabulary is full of surprises, after all. And Lacey is the devil. The end.
Bret lines the girls up to announce the winner of the challenge. Sam is nowhere to be found.
God, how many clothes does she have? All this girl does is pack.
Meanwhile, Amy announces that the competition came down to Heather and Jes. On hearing this, Heather does a weird lopsided kick. Perhaps she is happy to be in the Top 2, perhaps she is marking her territory. Hard to say.
Regardless, it’s clear that Heather’s got the moves. Her stripping routine is probably amazing. This is only suggested further by her reaction to being announced the winner of the challenge.
She does a cartwheel.
And then, this:
Clearly, she’s a superstar (and, actually, becoming more and more likable — her personality is reaching the heights that her hair has only hinted at thus far).
For their date, Bret calls Heather on the claim she made a few episodes back: he’s going to take her to a tattoo parlor to see if she’ll really get the tattoo of his name on the back of her neck. It’s interesting that in this case, a tattoo parlor is doubling as an Old Country Buffet for Bret’s ego.
Bret even tells her what font to get: “It’s gotta be Old E. You will love it.” Old E? That must be what the cool kids call Old English when they…talk about fonts. You know, cool-kid stuff.
Back at the house, the superfans observe the girls more, which means the girls do what they do, which is to talk crap on Lacey.
You know, as rotten as Lacey can be, at least she gives everyone something to do.
Girls of all kinds agree: Lacey sucks. And by sucking, she’s providing a service: she’s something to bond over. And for that, Lacey kinda rules. Trippy, right?
And you know what’s the opposite of that? The girls flood into Sam’s room in an attempt to make her feel better…
…and this leaves her, “more conflicted than ever.” Good intentions result in bad feelings? It’s Opposite Day in the Rock of Love house.
Back at the tattoo parlor, Heather has a lot on her mind.
…or just a lot of Bret, really. She talks to the tattoo artist about her impending ink and…
…and you know, Heather’s really pretty. It’s often difficult to see past the hair and permascowl, but she’s really an attractive girl. So serene!
This is the calm before the storm. As Heather gears up to be tattooed, she clings to Bret. His words of comfort are: “Baby, it feels erotic.” Nice. Add the pummelling of a needle to the list of things that turn Bret on. What’s next? Castration?
The tattooing begins and Heather says, quite hilariously, “Oh my hell!” And then, as if we haven’t gotten enough of a picture of Bret’s masochistic tendencies already, he reveals in an OTF that…
“Getting a tattoo can be a very erotic experience. Not only does the pain start to become this kind of trance feeling, it just kinda gets me aroused. I’ve had some of the best sex ever after getting some tattoo work done.” Hot.
Heather’s done, but she doesn’t seem horny. At least, not any hornier than usual.
So, that’s what forever looks like. Funny, I expected eternity to be written in Helvetica.
Back at the house, the superfans pull Brandi and Lacey for one final chat because they feel like those two girls have performed the worst.
Brandi stands firm — she’s not fake and the superfans are misreading her. Yeah, you know, Brandi’s never seemed anything but genuine. Well, except for the time when she hid her exotic dancing career from us. Lacey, meanwhile, has a makeshift breakdown regarding the perception of her. It’s not hard keeping up her exterior, didn’t you know?
This prompts an awesome imitation by Jes.
Apparently, Jes has gotten facial melting confused with crying. Although when it’s coming from someone as witchy as Lacey, the two can be one in the same.
Heather comes back ranting like a puppet. Instead of turning her on, her tattoo has apparently turned her into a Fraggle.
And a graceful one at that!
She shows the girls her tattoo to varying degrees of amazement. Leave it to Jes to break things down for what they are:
“What kind of a dumb bitch gets a guy’s name tattooed on her neck for her first tattoo and she’s not even technically dating him? This bitch has lost her f***ing mind.” How refreshing to have this point of view — for a while, I had just sort of accepted at face value all of what Jes just pointed out above as ridiculous. This show does things to your perception.
Bret has one more meeting with the superfans…
…and it’s pretty much the same meeting he had with them before. Whatever. Linguistic variation clearly isn’t a necessary trait for a superfan.
And then, it’s the Heather Hair Hour, or as the segment is officially known: eliminations.
We are continuing the upward trajectory in terms of both quality and actual height. Heather’s hair is at its most delicious this week. Seriously. Snap me off a piece of that funnel cake.
Unsurprisingly, Heather’s name is called first. See how far marking your body permanently will get you? You get called first one week! First! Bret calls that tat “pretty insanely awesome.” Well, one out of three ain’t bad. After Heather collects her pass, she points out her tattoo.
Thanks, Heath. I’d forgotten all about it. When you get a chance remind me about your implants, too.
Jes is next and reference to her toothy kissing style is made. When asked, she says she will indeed stay and rock Bret’s world in addition to…
Well, everyone needs a purpose.
Brandi’s next, which leaves Lacey and Sam in the Bottom 2. Bret calls Lacey and, after his spiel, reveals that he’ll be keeping her and sending Sam home. Lacey cries…er…does this…
She’s actually biting her own lips. You gotta get that action somehow, you know?
Bret calls Sam up and they share an arms-length embrace. Oooh! Start twirling, guys!
They don’t, although Bret’s logic seems dizzy nonetheless. He says that what they go through in the house is about a tenth of what they’d face in the real world. If Bret Michaels’ life is ten times as crazy as the Rock of Love house, how the hell is he still alive? At the very least, shouldn’t his penis have been pounded into a permanent pulp by now? Even if it’s twice as crazy, we can rest assured that the life he leads is a charmed one, indeed. He says he’ll be “lifelong friends” with Sam (ooh! maybe he’ll call on her to sort out future girls vying for his attention!) and says that she has an “awesome soul.” And the charm doesn’t stop! Then he makes out with her although there’s very little visible tongue — he is no Flav and Sam is no Beatuful, but somehow they make it work.
Heather looks on.
While this detail is not interesting in itself, I thought you’d like confirmation that her hair looks amazing at any angle.
And then outside, instead of the normal waterworks displayed by the girls, Sam seems cool with everything. More proof of Opposite Day!
“If I’m gonna get rejected, then Bret did it in a very loving, sensual, romantic way,” she gushes. And then she says she’s going out with “guns blazing.”
You know, if she exhibited more of this and less of the crying, she probably would have stuck around. Just saying!