Ask Doc Ali

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Ask_doc_9

After the jump: the final installment of the Ask Doc Ali advice column.

Hi this is Braynna. I used to be a gymnast at xtreme gymnastics, craig and aimee were my coaches. I saw you on the show scott baio. I was really surprised. I thought I would say hello. It’s kind of cool to watch you on TV. I hope you’re doing great :) – Braynna

Doc says: I am doing great Braynna! Glad you enjoyed the show. We had great times at Xtreme! Xxoo, Doc Ali

I think that I might have dating ADD. I have a beautiful wife at home. I always find myself looking for more. Can you explain to me why i do this. I love and adore her. We are expecting a new baby any day now. I am not saying that I am looking someone to cheat with. I just find myself reaching out to others than the one that I should be reaching for. I do have to admit that I have come along ways and have gotten rid of past interest. – Melton

Doc says: Melton, I’m glad you are not looking for someone to cheat with! I think it’s ok to reach out to others as friends as long as you are reaching for your wife as well. Especially with the new baby here, make time for just the two of you. Remember how you felt when you were first dating and recreate some of that intimacy. Keeping the intimacy alive takes work. It’s easy to find a new thrill, push yourself to find that old thrill with your amazing wife. Doc Ali

I am dating a guy who i met while he had a girlfrend. WE worked together and ended up hooking up. Now we have been together for 7 months he is amazing and loving and he is my best friend. But trust is still an issue. How do i fix that? – Stacy

Doc says: Stacy, the biggest thing to trust is life. You must trust that your life is moving exactly as it should be. Who knows if he will cheat on you. But as long as you keep communication open, and are enjoying each other, you are doing all you can do. Keep talking to him about your fear, but don’t be jealous or controlling. There is nothing that sends a man running faster then a jealous controlling woman. Enjoy your time with him, and when you feel insecure, keep telling yourself that it’s all going to be ok. Doc Ali

Hi Doc Ali! I am sooo happy that you have been on the show! You are a blast to watch and I am always entertained at your suggestions, reactions,and interactions with Scott. So I do hope you continue to be on the show!!! What do I do to mend my fueding family’s relationships when I genuinely feel like it “isn’t my fault!”? Sometimes I feel it’s better to just go my way and let them go their way; but then I feel sad to not be included anymore in the family. Also, my strained relationships with my 2 brothers has caused me to NOT want to have siblings for my daughter! So much, in fact, that I convinced my husband to have a vasectomy! (just because I didn’t want her to have a brother!)Love from the middle child between 2 punk brothers. – Erin

Doc says: Erin, Thanks for enjoying me on the show. It was so much fun and I think Scott got a lot out of it. With family, all you can do is love them. See them for all of their struggles and have compassion for them. Now, that doesn’t mean enable or allow them to abuse you, boundaries are still important. No one knows how to push our buttons more than our family members. Don’t let them do that. When they try, just see them as the little beings they are and have some humor. Humor about family craziness always helps! As for not wanting to have other children remember, we either repeat our past, or do the opposite. Do the opposite! Doc Ali

I am 32 but I feel as if I am dead. I have no fire left in me, my spirit is broken, and my heart is empty. If I connect with a girl, it is very deep and so intense that when it fails, as it always does, then the heartache afterwards, the feeling of loss and emptiness is so unbearable that I get extremely depressed. So after my last experience with that, I can no longer attempt to feel anything because it is too powerful for me to handle. Now I feel like I am dead and that I must be this way in order to survive, because to be alive is so extremely overwhelming to me that I can’t function. – Alex

Doc says: Oh Alex, what a hard place to be! You need to find purpose in your life not related to women or relationships. What do you love to do? What has always felt important to you? What is your gift that everyone tells you about? Once your find your purpose and passion, the fire will come back. I can tell you are a passionate person. Anyone who falls in love the way you do is very intense! Now, find that intensity for your purpose. Again, ask yourself…What was I born to do? Then, move in directions to give that. My video boot camp on www.screamandrunnaked.com can help. Doc Ali

Doc, What kind of seminars do you put on? Please give me some information on them- costs, lenght, etc. I have some of the same issues as Scott. Thanks. - Lou

Hey Lou, I do a weekend retreat called Scream and Run Naked that helps you take off excuses and limitations and live the life you were born to live. See www.screamandrunnaked.com for more information. The weekend is amazing! Doc ali

My boyfriend has been a player and now that he is in his early forties I feel and sense he is ready to change for the better. How can I help him with out getting in the way? – A.

Hey A, just turn him on to things that could strengthen his sense of integrity. Have him watch the Scott Baio show, or read books like “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Riuz. All you can do is expose him to things and let him take it from there. Also, you help him by what you model for him and what you tolerate. Model trust, and commitment and it will come back to you. Don’t tolerate any of his old player behavior and be sure he knows that if he’s going to act out, then you are going to get out! Doc Ali

Ali,This show is so much my life thats its not even funny, hehe. Iam 38 and have commitment issues more than i thought. I am presently going to see a Marraige Counselor/Relationship expert once a week and tonight will be my 3rd session.I watch this show like clockwork as his life is a mirror image of how i feel and how my life is. I am 38 yrs old, divorced and my last gf was 3 yrs ago in which we lived together. Any woman i come in contact with i seem very hesitant about when it becomes “to serious”. I really would like to be in a relationship, but theres that side of me that has the so-called “walls up”, its really sad. Overall ive been told iam a great guy and have always treated women with respect, but the last 2 yrs or lets just say after my last relationship i have treated women unfairly in that it was all about the sex. Theres a woman in my life right now that we have been going back and forth for the last 6 months. I will enjoy an evening with her and than the next day i will shut her off and not want to talk to her. I really need to distance myself from her and i really want advice as how to do that??? My therapist is trying to help me do this, but i really thought you can give me some imput also. Please advise me in my best plan of action. I really need to focus on myself right now and with this gal in my life or any gal for that matter it really makes my head spin. Lost in California and thank you so much ALI your a great woman as i can sense through this show.- JJ

Doc says: JJ, first of all, it is so awesome that you are aware enough to see that you want to change. Good for you! It sounds like you are going through an insecure time right now and needing to “fix” your insecurity with women. What’s not feeling good inside of you? How are you doubting yourself? Why the need to put up walls? I want you to think about living fearlessly. Not to be afraid to stand by your commitments, keep walls down, or love in a big way. It’s ok not to be in a committed relationship as long as you are honest with the people you are with. If you are treating women with disrespect since your last relationship, I’m thinking you may have some hurt and anger about what happened in the past. Look at that with your therapist, let go, and find the man that you really are. Doc Ali

Even though the show’s taping is probably over (as this is 8/20/07), I’m watching the episode where you asked Scott to attend the cuddle party and I had a lightbulb moment: when you were talking to Scott about the cuddle party, I noticed how he was affectionately rubbing his dog. It dawned on me that he’s very affectionate with his dog and his male friends. It may be that he is/was subconsciously afraid of anyone (women & kids) that could challenge him emotionally, so he was more open and generously giving to the unconditional love types, i.e. his male companions, or his pet. My theory about him (and most, if not all other men) is that he’s unwilling to open up to someone that may challenge him emotionally and would not tolerate unaccountability (the “I’m just being me” syndrome). I have a similar issue with men (as a result of neo-evolution) in that if they won’t open up to me, then I won’t open up to them, but that’s another topic. Sorry that this wasn’t a question, but I was compelled to write you. If you can, please let me know what you think and if I’m way off base with this theory. Thanks. – Dana

Doc says: You’re right Dana! Scott and many other people have a fear of emotional intimacy. They are afraid if they show themselves to people they’ll get hurt. And we all want to avoid pain! You’re a smart cookie, maybe you should be a life coach! Doc Ali

My boyfriend of 9 months and I broke up in June, and I am still really REALLY in love with him. Every time I see a black BMW I think it’s his car. He was recently arrested for stealing alcohol and was imprisoned for 48 hours. He is such a loser! How can I get over him, Doc Ali? – Elana

Doc says: Elana, T.D.D. Time, Distance, Distraction. You need clean time away from this man. No contact! None! Next, be sure there is physical distance. Don’t go to places you used to hang out, or be where he frequents. Finally, distraction. Be with friends, watch movies, go on a blind date, anything to keep your mind moving from him and free. Whenever you feel blue or want to contact you, distract yourself. Exercise or do something that makes you feel good about you. A man that steals is not a man you want in your bed. Clean break is the only way. Be strong. Doc Ali

I have been engaged to a man for a long time. we have a daughter together, but never actually got married. do you think this a bad idea . sometimes he can be controlling,and jealous. do you think i’m sending him the wrong impression, by not marrying him. we do not always agree on things. i told him today if it was not for our daughter, we would not probably be together. - Unhappy in Dallas.

Doc says: Hmmmm…don’t like that sound of that. “if it wasn’t for our daughter we wouldn’t be together”. It’s important to work on the relationship for your daughter’s sake but if it’s not working then you must move on. Your daughter should not grow up in a house where her mom is unhappy in Dallas. Nor witness a father who is controlling and jealous. Get into counseling…if he won’t go, get out. It sounds like there are a lot of issues here that need ironing out. Don’t get married until they are. Marriage won’t change your issues. Only you can, with the help of a little therapy. Doc Ali