In this episode, Linda goes over the edge.
Over the edge of the world, that is. Wyoming is seriously in the middle of nowhere!
“Don’t look at how pregnant I look!” is how Linda introduces herself this episode. When Brooke asks if she is pregnant, Linda replies, “No, but I wish!”
A baby to this show would be the equivalent of an Oliver on The Brady Bunch or Sam on Diff’rent Strokes. For the love of all things televised, don’t do it!
Also, don’t give us a reenactment of the labor preceding Nick’s birth.
Ah, too late.
Linda complains that everyone always gets to choose their vacation locales, and it’s her turn. “Think West! You get to wear jeans, cowboy boots, cowboy hat.” Alternately, think 2001. Her family is disgusted by her request that they visit Wyoming.
Much more disgusted, in fact, than at that childbirth reenactment. You never know what’s going to strike the Hogans as bizarre.
Anyway, Linda gets her wish and after touching down, they meet with this guy:
He takes them to their cabin — check out the admittedly gorgeous surrounding area.
Cute, right?
And now for something that’s not so cute:
Brooke thinks that being out West gives her the opportunity to wear denim chaps. “These are really sexy, especially with firm, tan thighs,” says Linda. Terry apparently agrees and freaks out saying that Brooke cannot wear the chaps. “Don’t be stupid.” Because Brooke cannot be sexy unless it’s for the sake of her music career. Don’t be stupider.
The first Western activity the Hogans take part in is cattle roping.
While Terry and Nick brood over the suckiness of this vacation…
…Linda has a ball.
So begins a call-and-response string of images, in which we see a Hogan looking miserable and cut to a shot of Linda looking ecstatic. There’s a little bit of sadism in Linda and, seriously, it’s hilarious.
Nick shovels animal crap…
Linda beams.
Nick messes with hay…
…Linda beams.
Broke milks a cow…
…(explicitly! They can show that on TV?)…
…Linda beams.
It’s important to note that, while milking, Brooke wonders aloud if the cow gives 1 or 2 percent milk. It’s chocolate milk, actually Brooke. Not sure of the percentage.
Then, there is horse riding and guess who’s happy about that?
The horse. He loves blondes.
But yeah, the rest of the family is cool with the horse riding.
Finally, they stop their complaining and give into the fact that riding horses is fun. Enlightenment comes at the most unpredictable times!
The Hogans then attend a cookout, which features the milk that Brooke milked…
…and some music that Linda deems “soothing” and “peaceful.”
Ah. You can almost taste the Hickory Farms.
The Hogans move the party inside, where Nick decides to play a practical joke on Brooke:
She’s hiding out in her room, so Nick’s way of getting people to bug her is to have them use her bathroom. Brooke hears a guy peeing and it’s as though she saw a ghost.
The moral of the story is that pee sounds are scary.
You know what else is scary? Taxidermy.
Nick plays yet another practical joke on Brooke by retrieving an antelope head that’s on the wall of the cabin and then placing it outside of her window.
Brooke looks out, sees the head and freaks out, waving her hair around as though she’s infested with something.
Lady, it’s an antelope, not lice.
And then Brooke realizes it’s a joke and it’s all good.
Ah, serenity.
The Hogans then go shooting…
Guess who’s no longer smiling!
Kickback is revenge!
For their final trick, the Hogans go fishing.
Brooke has a moral dispute with using live worms as bait. She doesn’t want to kill them.
Wait till she finds out that fishing requires killing the fish! Shh. Don’t tell her. Let her remain innocent.
In the end, the family admits that the trip has been great. Terry says that it’s rare for them to all be in the same spot and wonders when it’ll happen again.
Uh, next week, maybe?
