Quite a few episodes of Rock of Love have passed since we got to revel in the inherent entertainment of trashed girls on film.
And for that reason, this episode feels like home!
Hey, remember how Heather got that tattoo of Bret’s name on her neck?
It’s still there, are you amazed? Also: enjoy remembering that tat while you can, Heaths, because, regardless of the outcome of the show, there will probably come a day in the not-so-distant future that you’d give anything to forget it. Real talk!
Lacey explains that with Sam out of the house, it’s basically a two-on-two game: her and Heather…
…versus Brandi and Jes…
If only she were on the same team as Jes so that the two strippers, Heather and Brandi, could be on the same team. Then it’d be a game of shirts versus skins. The whole evil versus good thing is played out, you know? Love’s feet are a little tired from dancing with the devil.
The girls get a Bret Mail that tells them they’ll be going to Vegas to see him in concert.
They are ecstatic. Note that half of them are ecstatic because this represents a return home. Trusty jokes derived from Showgirls and Simpsons (Vegas Mom!) references swirl, but the truth of the preceding sentence does just fine on its own, no?
Bret explains the impending activity thusly: “They have not got to see Bret Michaels the rock-star side yet.” It’s true. Without a guitar in his hand, he’s just another skirt-chasing long-hair in a cowboy hat. Actually, we all know that isn’t true. His flair for English and all things expressive makes him at least a slight cut above the rest.
The girls and Bret bus.
And then, they arrive in Vegas where Bret must immediately whisk himself away for soundcheck.
“Bret has to rush off to his soundcheck, and that’s so rock-star of him. It’s so sexy,” explains Brandi. So that whole get-turned-on-at-the-drop-of-a-hat-you-probably-had-made thing that Bret’s made his most…endearing quality must be contagious. It’s like a self-perpetuating STD. Someone’s not using protection!
The girls prepare for their night, which is to include a Bret Michaels concert and dinner after.
She looks cold.
Meanwhile, Heather and Lacey bathe together.
You know that they’re completely down to the vagina under those bubbles. Naked in a bath with another girl is how many girls wind up after a night of drinking. Naked in a bath with another girl is how the Rock of Love girls prepare for a night of drinking. They’re so much more hardcore than you are.
Hmmmm. Judging by the picture, I will guess crunchy bangs over blue eye shadow. Am I right?
Oh the irony to come. While Brandi gets all Lacey on Heather, Jes has a more practical strategy: “I really don’t have a huge plan, but I know I don’t want to get completely wasted and make an ass of myself. I can let the other girls do that and I know that they will.” Jes, Queen of Snots, I bow down to thee.
The girls attend Bret’s show.
A few of them refer to the fact that they’re in the front row and, uh…
…I suppose they mean relatively. To be fair, they have to be filmed and set apart from the crowd, but come on, girls. Has not seeing the rock side of Bret for this long damaged your perception entirely?
No matter. Bret plays, among things, the relatable “Bittersweet” and, of course, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” When he plays the latter, this woman who pops up next to Jes for a second…
“This is my favorite song!” Well, duh, lady. Take a number.
The show ends and the girls’ wild night begins backstage.
Seemingly within seconds, Lacey and Brandi are trashed.
Could it have been the Jager?
Lacey, who never needs an excuse like drunkenness to be belligerent or write a song does both with a little gem that must be called “You Can Go F*** Yourself.” It’s like the Divinyls, inside out. Also, can I really, Lacey? Thanks!
It should be noted that while Brandi and Lacey carry on, Heather’s just as lapsed in judgment, just silently:
What her hair lacks in body, her lower legs more than make up for. Is there any doubt that this is her intention completely? Heather explains the next order of business: “Lacey starts attacking Brandi, which would be cool, but she’s so drunk, she has no idea what she’s doing.” Brandi, however, is more lucid and…flatulent.
Brandi lets one rip and then says charmingly, “Get the f*** away from me, I just farted.” God, I need a bath. Whatever, at least she’s resourceful. You’d think that because she went there, this would be enough to deter Lacey. It is not. Lacey keeps right in her face, at one point, pouring vodka on Brandi while chanting…
…”Uh, show me whatcha got. Uhhhh, show me whatcha got.” She’s got gas, and she already showed you. Do you want a freaking tour of her intestines?
Just as Lacey’s at her most tipsy…
…Big John comes in to retrieve the girls for dinner. “Lacey, shut the f*** up and come on!” he yells. She asks for his hand, but he totally ignores her. Big John has revealed the key to dealing with Lacey. Think anyone has taken notice?
You know how when you’re drunk, every single moment seems to be important, whether or not you remember it the next day? This episode has an uncanny ability of portraying such pseudo-significance. The girls walk to their meal…
Somewhere along the way, the girls flip-flop and s*** talk.
Here’s Brandi’s attempt at staking a divide between Lacey and Heather. Because we didn’t actually see Lacey saying this, it is suspect information at best and, more realistically, more hot hair blown from Brandi’s body. Heather is not drunk but she is a girl on Rock of Love, which means she willfully jumps into the blatant machinations of her peers.
That’s Heather’s “Oh no she di’int” face. It is so on, which is really wonderful news for us. Though Heather is generally regarded as a villain, she is awesome. I’m going to start counting her points of awesomeness in this episode from this point on. So far we have Heather Point of Awesomeness 1: Her teased-out boots. Heather Point of Awesomeness 2: Her reaction to Brandi’s teasing. Count along, it’ll be fun!
In their dining room (which also might be Bret’s hotel room?), Lacey continues her offensive, this time less coherent than last.
“Don’t give the fake bitches nothin’!” says Lacey. Brandi, the only person drunk enough to think engaging Lacey is a good idea, asks how they’re fake. “You just wanna f***in’ party!” slurs Lacey. Lacey, unlike her adversaries, wants to skip the party and get right to the part where she sticks her head in the toilet and calls it a night. This is because she is classy.
Jes snaps at Lacey’s lack of respect for…well, everything at this moment. In an OTF, Jes describes Lacey as a “cracked-out cat,” but you know what?
…that’s giving Lacey waaaay too much credit. A cracked-out cat would still have more coordination.
Bret joins the group and Jes pleads with Lacey to pull it together.
Jes has way too much patience. She should seriously look into teaching preschool. Bret’s sort of appalled at all that’s going on, which is kind of amazing if you consider the sights he’s seen in his 20+ years of the rock and roll lifestyle. He must have a high tolerance for this kind of crap and his patience is being tested. He asks if a nice meal is too much to ask. Obviously! “All’s I want is some shrimp!” he says. Oh, Bret. Such carnal desires might as well be your claim to fame.
Lacey’s condition rapidly deteriorates.
And so, Bret finally calls Big John in to get her out of there.
He literally carries her.
All of that nonsense for a little bit of romance with Big John. Hope it was worth it.
Brandi, too, deteriorates rapidly. Heather offers her an oyster and Brandi replies, “No, I don’t f***in’ want oysters.”
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 3: Her response to Brandi’s oyster-bashing is, “Why? They’re so yum-ola.” Yum-ola. Because oysters are the SpaghettiO’s of the sea. Heather loves them, too and we see her slurping them down. It’s virtually pornographic.
And then, something amazing happens. Brandi looks like she’s going to unleash (out of her mouth, FYI, because there should be a question at this point) or perhaps turns into the Blob, if Heather’s horror-movie reaction (Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 4, btw) is an indication:
And then it happens:
Amazing. I want a stone representation of that for the fountain in my imaginary garden.
Brandi is shipped to the bathroom. Reflecting on the situation in an OTF, Jes says, “Bret should have known that it was gonna be impossible to have a nice dinner with two drunk Froot Loops and a f***in’ hungry stripper!” The Rock Star, the Cynic, the Two Drunk Froot Loops and the Hungry Stripper sounds like the best Peter Greenway movie that hasn’t yet been made.
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 5 is her reaction to Brandi’s removal:
“Oh my hell. F***in’ rookies. I’m so bored.” Ah, the experienced winee and dinee. Sophistication!
Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 6:
The frosted shellac with which she coats her lips. To say it is poppin’ would be an understatement.
In the bathroom, where Brandi is tended to by Bret and Jes, a starling revelation:
“Bret, I really f***in’ love you,” says Brandi. She immediately backpedals, saying that it’s too soon to use the word “love.” “You can say it,” Bret assures her. So much ha! Bret wants to be adored.
Here’s Jes’ reaction to Brandi professing her love for Bret while trashed in a bathroom:
You know, Jes is really outrageously gorgeous, but I’ll be damned if she didn’t turn into Phyllis Diller for a second.
Bret decides that he’s going to ask Jes to stay with him for the night. This prompts the jilted Heather to have a doggy bag assembled for herself…
…and to make this OTF statement: “What the f*** is that? She said, like, 1.5 word…s at the table.” Being attuned to the basic math that’s going on in someone’s head is a bonding experience. For this reason, it is Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 7.
…sex, apparently. Of his night with Jes, Bret reports: “After everyone left, Jes and Me, um, got along quite well. We got to learn, um, each other both inside and out.” That sounds so clinical, I hope they used surgical gloves. This would seem to be a bunch of macho blahblahblah, except that when we see Jes the next morning…
…her story matches. She says that as a result of their night together, she feels closer to Bret physically, emotionally and sexually. For this reason, she must now go away. Seriously: Bret knows that he’s already made a connection with her and so she can go back to L.A. to sit by the pool. Ah, the charmed life of a reality TV contestant who’s good at what she does.
Back in the Hangover Hut…
…Brandi reveals to Lacey and Heather that Bret is not the man for her. B-b…but, you just s…said. Ugh. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
The girls join Bret by the pool.
“I gotta admit, they looked a little tore up from the floor up. And Brandi looked like she had been beat up,” says Bret. The poetic repetition is astounding. Bret reveals to the girls that they’ll take it easy by the pool for today and that he’ll have one-on-one time with each of them in a series of massages. Heather is the first up.
Next is Brandi.
You know, this time the first “B” in her occasionally used “B.B.” nickname stands for “Backpedaling” because Brandi again contradicts what she said earlier — she likes Bret and she wants to be with him. Again, I don’t know what to believe.
When Bret and Brandi are done, Heather asks her in front of him, “Did you talk to him what you said you were going to talk to him about?” Brandi yesses in a way that makes it clear that she didn’t, and so Lacey the tattletale gets to reveal to Bret what’s really going on or at least what she hopes it to be:
Lacey reveals Brandi’s “not the one for me” statements of the morning regarding Bret. Bret points out that Brandi could just be messing with Lacey. Despite his wariness and the fact that he calls Lacey “malicious” to her face, he still ends up sending Brandi home. He’ll share dinner with Heather and Lacey.
Bret doesn’t want to be hurt by Heather. He’s been hurt in the past by a dancer. In fact, that hurt is what propelled him to write “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” Just when you thought it was impossible for that song to have more meaning, it’s revealed that it’s about a stripper. It is officially the best song in the history of music.
In an OTF, Bret reveals, “Here’s the thing with Heather, and I call it, pole emotions, right? And by pole emotions, I mean, can I get her off that pole and get her onto my pole? It’s a big, big thought going through my mind right now.” Gee, Bret, have you tried whistling? Snapping? Yelling, “Here, girl!”? Putting seafood on your pole? The point is, it shouldn’t be too hard of a transplant.
Onto Lacey, Bret says this: “What scares me is the seesawness in your manipulatalalalaiveness.” You know what else scares Bret? Real words.
Lacey is adamant about getting to spend the night with Bret as she hasn’t had any one-on-one time with him except, you know, every episode when she runs to his room to tell on people. She also starts in on a story about her mother dying. The best thing about this is it leads to the Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 8:
Her level of sensitivity is completely appropriate.
In the end, Bret ends up choosing Lacey to spend the night with. Poor Heather. At least we get to hear her say, “Oh my hell!” again, which is the show’s greatest catchphrase since, “Don’t threaten me with a good time.” (It is, at least, better than, “What’s-a goin’ on.”) Heather Point of Awesomeness No. 9 achieved. Also, Heather declares her alliance with Lacey officially severed. I know, you’re shocked.
Bret and Lacey do their thing and…
…it makes me happy that doors have the fundamental ability to close. This show sometimes brings you face-to-face with the little things that make life good.
And then, a tragedy.
Heather’s hair has deflated. Where’s the big mess of teased tresses we’ve come to depend on? I’m taking off at least two Points of Awesomeness because of this.
While you’re sulking, missy, you could be spraying and teasing!
Jes gets her pass first and Lacey follows. This leaves Brandi and Heather in the Bottom 2.
Heather, of course, reveals what Brandi said the morning after the drunken fit. Bret notes that those words contradict what she told him later that day. Ugh, we know, we know. Then, contradicting herself again, Brandi reveals that she can see Jes or maybe Heather with Bret but not her. She doesn’t think she can let her guard down. “You could have told me this a long time ago!” says Bret. Seriously. Brandi wipes a tear away…
…revealing chipped nail polish. Well that just makes things more pathetic. Aw. I can’t be mad at her. So, basically, she’s eliminated herself. Bret tells her to have a nice life, but he at least hugs her. He’s so charitable.
Outside, Brandi says that she didn’t mean for it to seem like she didn’t care. Ugh. Enough. We could spend the next 10 years trying to figure out what Brandi did and didn’t mean. Really, it’s best that she’s going.