Last week, wewere reintroduced to the joys of drunk girls. This week, Rock of Love reintroduces us to the joys of catfights.
Catfights amongst free weights, no less. This show really, really loves us.
We are now down to what Bret has deemed the “awesome threesome.” How nice that he’d choose rhyming over alliteration this time. He really knows how significant these last few shows are. Please tell me that next week, we’ll be faced with the gruesome twosome.
For the time being, the girls remaining in the competition are:
See how Heather’s a slack-jawed yokel in that shot? We’ll soon find out it’s hereditary. See, Bret has invited the parents of the girls to come and spend some time getting to know him. “You marry the girl, you marry the parents,” Bret reasons. If you bang the girl, does that mean you have to bang her parents, too? Kinky.
Heather’s parents arrive.
Heather mentions that she’s only seen them in the same room together twice in her whole life. At least we know that Heather most likely hasn’t been scarred by seeing her parents have sex. Congrats to her.
Next to arrive are Jes’ parents.
Jes informs us that she has a “kick-ass relationship” with her parents, although ass isn’t the only body part applicable in their familial discourse. Jes’ dad mentions the “Jessie Baby Boobie Fund.” “Look at the contrast here! What went wrong?” he says motioning to his wife’s ample endowment…
And Jes’ Stefaniesque paving.
At the end of this episode, is Bret going to pull Jes’ dad’s face off to reveal Joe Simpson underneath?By extension, he’d be pulling the mask off Rock of Love to reveal an episode of Scooby Doo underneath.That would, at least, explain allthe Scooby Snacks we’ve been seeing strewn about the house.
And then come Lacey’s father and stepmother.
Lacey’s dad expresses very explicit regret over his daughter’s PG-13 image on the album cover.
You shoulda seen her last week!
Bret meets Lacey’s peeps…
…meets them again, weirdly enough. Years ago, Bret sat next to Lacey’s dad on a plane. Bret remembers this, which is impressive, for sure. He should have strangled him when he had the chance! During that initial meeting, Lacey’s dad showed Bret a picture of Lacey and Bret asked if he could date her. Because, apparently, he had a hard time meeting women back in the day and needed to rely on strangers he was traveling with to hook him up with their relatives. It’s only now, at 44, that Bret Michaels is coming out of his shell. Anyway, Lacey’s dad thought Lacey was too young for him. Thirteen years in age difference just ain’t what it used to be.
And then: dates. First up will be Heather’s family on a trip to a charming place called the Saddle Ranch.
Heather’s mom immediately announces herself as a firecracker by responding to Bret’s offering from the “beer bong” at their table by saying, “I don’t drink that, babe.” She is her daughter’s mother!
Then, as they’re getting looser, Brenda tells David, “Tell him the story about the Chinese that was next to ya.”
The Chinese? The Chinese? That’s quite the title to hold. Could it have been General Tso?
The story is lovely, something of a retelling of Written on the Windthat loses none of the melodrama.
Who knew Brandi M. was a Chinese baby?
And then, Heather rides the bull…
…with predictable results.
Heather recalls the incident. “The bull starts shimmy-shakin’. My tatters are flip-floppin’ everywhere. People are cheerin’. Gosh.” Heather took most of her “G”s off for that paragraph. Once a stripper, always a stripper. Also: “tatters?” That’s part awesome and part potato. Now all I can think of is lumpy mashed potatoes. That settles it: a portion of the proceeds from this recap are going to breast cancer.
The date with Heather’s fam ends swimmingly.
Bret enjoyed their openness. I suppose the alternative would be to loathe them for it, so good for them!
Next up, Bret will take Jes’ family clothes shopping at Rock and Roll Religion. This woman will help.
Sorry, I should say,“help.” In quotes.For her expertise leads her to call this shirt “gorgeous.”
Apparently, her taste is so advanced that it allows her to travel backwards in timeand south to Carnivale, all without moving!
Outfits are chosen.
Jes’ dad has no problem impersonating Elton John on television.
It’s really admirable, how comfortablehe is with himself.
And, quickly, the date is over.
“Do you all feel rock?” asks the family. Rock, foolish, over-accessorized, discarded. Same things.
Bret rates that date a 9.5 (really?) and proceeds to his next stop: food with Lacey’s family at a place with the obscure name Eat. It’s right down the block from Heather’s place of business: Ogle.
While Bret was expecting a nice meal, he finds himself immediately interrogated by Lacey’s father.
What does Bret have to offer a woman? How does he want to end his days? Bret compares this to the Spanish inquisition aunque no habla español. He says he’s on the defense, and really, this does feel something like a cockfight.
To lighten the mood, Bret asks, “Is there some kinda hot sauce on those fries, or is it just my tongue that’s on fire?” The latter Bret. Quick, suck on an extinguisher! Otis responds, “I think it’s all the lies you’re telling.” Ugh. You don’t need me to point out Otis jerkiness – Bret does well on his own. “I’m like, ‘I’m not telling no lies. I’m askin’ ya, is the f***in’ sauce burning anyone’s mouth but mine. I haven’t even gotten to lie because I haven’t even gotten to f***in’ get a word in edgewise, to be honest with ya.” Ha!
Lacey’s dad continues to grate. He says that he’s wealthy and that there will be a prenup involved. Bret wonders, “Who’s getting married?” But to be fair, he did say that comment about marrying the parents at the start of the show. He cursed himself! Lacey’s dad says Lacey has money that that she’s a presidential scholar who doesn’t smoke or do drugs or drink a whole lot. Unless she’s on TV, apparently, because she only has an entire nation judging her. For his final offense, Otis asks if Bret has any hair under his cowboy hat.
Bret says an extremely defensive, “Yes!” OK, so that’s kind of funny. But mostly, it’s telling. Now there shouldn’t be a question as to where Lacey learned her social graces.
Back at the house, Heather is drunk and topless. That’s to say: Heather is Heather.
Oh yeah, it must be weird having older men you have no interest in staring at your naked chest. How uncommon of an occurrence in Heather’s world! Also, if he was staring into your tatters, he may have just been attempting to look into your soul. You should have taken the opportunity to hypnotize him. But, really, Heather, just as long as you keep saying “tatters,” you can be as contradictory and grammatically questionable as you like.
Then, Lacey shows Karen around. She points out the stripper pole…
…and requests that Heather come down and show them some moves. OK, Jerky Jerkerton. But neither Heather nor her tatters will stand for such baiting. Not without singles, anyway.
Heather finds it important to tell her parents exactly what’s been going down in the house.
“Our challenges have been making out with women, fake orgasms, talk dirty to me…” Ah, memories. In my head, I’m seeing a sepia-toned image of Rodeo climaxing with a telephone in her hand. Anyway, Heather is doing this because exposing herself is second nature, but more importantly, because it will make her feel less hypocritical when she exposes Lacey at dinner aka Bret’s 5,000th meal of the day.
Jes says that as soon as everyone sat down, the tension was palpable. Otis thinks that asking for everyone’s “bios” will break the ice. What a great guy, interrogating people to endear himself to them. Imagine him at Christmas. He doesn’t even need to give presents, what with the perpetual gift that is his presence.
Regardless, the girls play along. Heather reports that she holds a B.A. but after school she wound up, “falling into the dancing field.” She puts it so delicately, it’s as though she’s falling into a pillow factory. Otis is allergic to down and/or stripper heels, so he offers her to put his connections to work.
Otis: the gift that keeps on giving.
And then, we find out something about Lacey that we didn’t know before:
Bret thought that she was something of a starving artist, but apparently not. More importantly he will NOT hold this against Lacey because apparently the only thing he’ll hold against Lacey is himself. Bret’s behavior is increasingly inexplicable.
Heather starts in on her bid to expose Lacey, asking if her father knows that Lacey “knocked over 40 bottles.”
It sounds like a euphemism, but apparently it isn’t: Lacey knocked over a bunch of alcohol in Vegas and now has to pay the hotel they were staying at. Heather wonders if Lacey gets the partying from her father. Lacey’s stepmother quickly pulls Lacey into the next room.
Dinner’s over. Well, that sucked. The next day, Bret lets off some steam by boxing outside.
You’ll never guess in a million years who goes out to join him!
Don’t pick your jaw up off your desk just yet, because here’s another doozy (and a real one at that): Lacey concedes that her dad doesn’t always have the best etiquette when Bret complains about Otis’ implication that he was lacking in money. And here, I thought Lacey was just a sociopath with no sense of right and wrong. You learn something new every episode! Lacey goes on to critique Heather’s relationship with her parents. Since Heather holds a degree in espionage, this is not lost on her.
Heather rolls right up on Lacey, all, “So I’m hearing you up there talking s*** about me, you master manipulator.” Ha. She can be so formal sometimes. Except, instead of “master manipulator,” it would have been better if Heather called Lacey out for what she really is: the Dungeon Master.
They bicker typically. Jes is ecstatic.
At one point, Lacey calls Heather, “sweetie,” which is a big no-no. “Don’t call me sweetie. You’re a f***ing liar and a f***ing bitch!” Heather promises that Lacey’s family will see her for whom she really is. Except, she doesn’t say “whom,” of course.
Heather leaves and Lacey remarks to Bret, “That didn’t go good.” In response, Bret bows his head and says the most solemn, “No,” I’ve ever heard. He’s kind of adorable sometimes.
Bret recommends that Lacey settle this now. Bret is detrimentally optimistic.
Meanwhile, Heather rants and raves upstairs.
“Why don’t you tell your dad how many times you (bleeped curses most likely referencing fellatio) since you been here?” Jes’ response? A simple, cheery, “Oh dear!”
All of a sudden, Jes is Mrs. Poole fromThe Hogan Family.
Lacey briefly talks with her parents about the storm that’s brewing. They seem unaware that it originated in her cauldron, which makes her father’s statement all the more comical: “Next time she tells you that your parents don’t know who you are, tell her I’ve known you for 30 years and I know who you are.” Oh, paternal idealism. Such a reliable source of unintentional comedy.
And then, the final confrontation.
Heather reveals that she’s in love with Bret and reiterates that Lacey’s parents don’t know who their daughter is. Lacey says, “My parents have known me for 30 years…” You know her dad’s thinking, “I knew she’d say that!” Heather unleashes a torrent of insults and vulgarity. She claims that Lacey’s riding her coattails (as if she’d wear something as superfluous as coattails!).
She addresses Otis directly by proclaiming, “Your daughter is a slut!” That sound file makes a nice ringtone, FYI. You’re welcome. She goes even further to point out that Lacey’s the one who’s done “all the sexual s*** with Bret.” “I saw you suck his d***!” she says. Whoa. Lacey OTFs that this is crossing the line and that her alliance with Heather has been severed. To be fair, Heather said that last week. Look what it took to get Lacey to catch up!
Anyway, Otis calls Heather “trashy.” Oh, Otis. You read them so fast.
Heather recaps the incident to her mom.
“Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah bl…manipulation. Whatever.” The Rock of Love house really offers a quick course in summarization. These girls are mad concise!
Lacey’s father then confronts Bret, hilariously announcing himself with, “Sorry to bother you, big boy.” Is he Mae West? Regardless, it goes to show that Otis isn’t all bad.
He’s just a little bit…inappropriate. He asks Bret, balls out, “Did my daughter suck your d***?” Yikes. Aren’t some things best left unknown? Lacey joins them and weeps over the line that Heather has crossed.
Bret has no idea what to do with these respectively curious and sad people. “I’m not a problem-solver!” he says. Ironically, this solves his problem as they go away. Bret Michaels can’t lose!
And then: elimination.
Ugh, and Heather’s hair is about as flat as it’s ever been!
She is so almost dead to me. Any points of awesomeness that she amassed in this recap have been deleted in light of her utter lack of body.
Except, I do think that her use of the word “trifling” in reference to Lacey makes Heather somewhat worthy of redemption.
The parents are sent away.
Good news? Is she pregnant? Otis is all, “If she is, it hadbetter be by immaculate conception!”
Then, the passes. Jes is in, which: DUH. Heather has a tattoo of Bret’s name, Lacey is driven. Who to choose? Bret calls Lacey forward. There’s a side to her that he loves and a side to her that confuses him. That side could ruin their relationship. Later, Lacer!
Outside, Lacey is oddly still.
She says she’s in shock and that she can’t even feel emotions right now. Lacey cold and unemotional? How unusual.
Inside, Bret pledges to Heather, “We will try to work through stuff and make this awesome.” The first order of business? Improving linguistic specificity!
Bret announces that, for this show’s final trick, they’ll all take a trip to Cabo, San Lucas. They all embrace.
And everything comes full circle: this is, indeed, an awesome threesome.