On Hogan Knows Best, Nick gets schooled in the ways of the birds and the bees. The episode’s best lesson?
You don’t have to have sex to have fun in the bedroom!
We open on Carmen Electra.
Does it strike anyone else as odd that chest rolls are “great for your abs?” And you’d think that, considering her line of work and claim to fame (“Go Go Dancer,” anyone?), Carmen would have all of her parts straight. Whatever.
Nick and his cute friend watch rapt while Brooke suffers.
“This is like watching porn!” says Brooke, who clearly, has never seen porn before. “This is the breast video ever!” replies Nick. See? It isn’t porn, it’s sexploitation, Russ Meyer style.
Brooke leaves. Nick’s friend, whom we come to find out goes by the name of Stack$, tells Nick about a nude art class he heard about. Nick’s interest is piqued.
Pssst. Nick. There’s this thing called the Internet where you can see not just one but millions of naked girls doing more than just standing on a platform. I know he’s a teen and all and the mere suggestion of the color pink is probably enough to get his blood boiling, but you know, that just makes it more curious that he’s so excited. He should already know about this stuff!
Regardless, he and Stack$ call up a studio to coordinate the lesson.
Nick and Stack$ walk in.
No, Nick, it’s easel making class, and your film crew just happens to have made the same mistake you did by entering it.
The nude model comes in.
Nick and Stack$ goof off, as teens are wont to do, much to the chagrin of the testy instructor, who insists, “This is a serious art class!” Dude, maybe it usually is, but this particular class is little more than an episode of What’s Happenin’.
Nick sketches boobs, boobs and more boobs. Again, the ghost of Russ Meyer smiles upon the episode.
Or, maybe it’s just that the spirit of teenage boys touched Russ Meyer profoundly. Hard to say.
You know what isn’t hard to say, though? Nick didn’t learn a damn thing from this lesson except maybe what a naked girl looks like in person (and you’d be smart to assume that he already knew what that looked like).
Back at the house, the Hogans discuss discussing the birds and the bees. What’s awesome about this is that Linda explains to Terry that she had “the talk” with Brooke a few years ago. “I just had to teach her about intercourse and protection.” Ha! Intercourse! Brooke is mortified.
And then, she becomes oddly comfortable when she recounts walking in on Terry and Linda having sex when she was age 5. She was under the impression that her parents were wrestling, which is fair enough when Hulk Hogan is the one you call daddy. I know Brooke’s mentioned this before, but it never sounds less than TMI. Seriously, please Brooke, go back to being mortified.
Anyway, Terry realizes that he must be the one to deliver “the talk” to Nick. At the gym, he tells his workout buddy this and explains why it’s important: when Terry was little, his brother messed up his head about sex. They once saw two dogs going at it and his brother explained that that’s how it goes down: you put it in the butt.
Only sometimes, Terry. Only sometimes.
Anyway, Terry and his friend go to a bookstore to buy a book that will help explain sex to Nick.
Just in case there’s any other misinformation floating around Terry’s head.
Terry sits Nick down in his bedroom, prefacing his speech with, “I’m definitely not advocating sex before marriage!” Just so you parents don’t call up VH1 complaining.
Nick can barely take his father seriously.
Not that you can blame him when Terry’s saying stuff like, “If you have to draw your weapon out, you know how to protect yourself,” and “the hot dog goes in the bun” and suggesting diaphragm as a reasonable birth control method. Oh you know teenagers and their diaphragms. They’re so popular, they’re now wearing them outside their bodies!
Nick’s lighthearted reaction does not sit well with Terry. “You don’t think I’m serious!” he rants.
And so, to show Nick how serious he is, he buys his son a doll.
Wow, progressive! In actuality, this doll is one of those that you may have used in health class that has sensors to tell how you’ve treated it. It cries if something’s wrong (if it needs to be burped, if its diaper needs changing, etc.). It’s really annoying. A 5-lb. bag of flour would have been a lot more charming.
“You guys suck” says Nick. Which: HA!
When Nick’s friend comes over…
…he helps Nick try to get the crying under control, which is really pretty adorable. Nick’s friend suggests he breast feed the doll. Haha. Nick’s friend is awesome.
Nick takes his screaming doll out to a restaurant.
But the justified stares of everyone send him packing. And so, Nick does the next logical thing:
He straps the doll to himself and goes to a garage. Because clearly, Nick’s in the mood to have his ass kicked.
It doesn’t happen, though. Probably because he pays the mechanic so much money.
Exasperated over this crying doll Nick puts it where it needs to be:
In a guitar case!
After spending 24 hours with the doll, Nick gets his computer generated “report card.” It’s littered with instances of negligence, but whatever, he got a C anyway. After getting just two hours of sleep the night before, Nick has learned that he doesn’t want kids for another 10 years. Again, what he’s taking away from his lesson is nothing he didn’t already know in the first place. Condoms for all!